in association with

The C00l Thing

M3genTøky0 1k d3n Cø0l3n T1ngy

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

Performed mainly by:

BG Master
William Trent

Røt3n nik 4kt3n D1

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">


DietWater Czar
Silent Rogue


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Also appearing:


Al5ø w1k

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Also also appearing:

Meagen * Shadowdancer
Tohru * Phydeaux
Zeth * AC Dragonmaster
Snow * Count Alpicola
Sabyr * Wizard of Kitty
Durden * Veterini
Integral * McFinnigan
Charles Fox * Derian Hatcheter
Kit-chan * Deutsch Sniper
Tohya * Earthstar
Aisling * Ryo-san
Ph00t * Minstrel
Inspector Sonoda

Al5ø al5ø w1k

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Camera Operator SERAPHIM
Camera Focus BOO
Camera Assistant CEA AGENT 3
Camera Grip BOO
Chargehand Electrician SKULD-REI
Rostrum Cameraman ASMODEUS

Wi nøt tr3i 4 hø1id4y 1n J4p4n th1s yër ?

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Sound Recordist FRED
Sound Mixer FRED
Boom Swinger FRED
Sound Maintenance FRED
Sound Assistant FRED
Dubbing Editor DOM
Sound Effects DOM

S33 teh løv31i m4ng4

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Continuity TC MONK
Production Secretary INTELLIAYANAMI
Property Master JOSHUA COFFIN
Property Men DIG, DOUG, DAG
Catering OSCB

Teh wøndërfu1 g4ming sy5t3mz

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Assistant Art Director VORLON
Carpenters MCTD MINIONS #345, #457
Stagehand MEGUMI
Rigger ED

ünd mäni int3r3st1ng furri3s

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With special extra thanks to:

Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Connie Booth, Carol Cleveland, Neil Innes, Bee Duffell, John Young, Rita Davies, Mark Zycon, Elspeth Cameron, Mitsuko Forstater, Sandy Johnson, Sandy Rose, Romilly Squire, Joni Flynn, Alison Walker, Avril Stewart, Sally Kinghon

Made entirely on location in Scotland at Megatokyo, The Plot Limbo Cafe, Chat MT, Cave of Evil,
Magical Cake, The Grand Canyon, Authorspace.

By Coffin (Joshua) Pictures Limited, 19, Evangel University, Springfield America.
And completed at Blackmaster Computer, America.
Non-Copyright © 2003 National Fic Trustee Company Limited.
All rights reserved.

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">
The Producers would like to thank the Zilla Commission,
Kit Admissions Ltd, CoM & UFL Estates, Evangel University, and the people of the Italian Mafia for their help in the making of this film.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and
any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely
accidental and unintentional.

Includ1ng the m4jestik cøspl4y3rz

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">


Additional music

A cøspl4y3r 0nc3 bit my s1ster...

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

Costume Designer

No r34lli! She was glømping teh cøspl4y3r tø c4ptur3 h1m for
h3r b1shy a1t4r given her by Shvadøwdanc3r - her s3nsei -an 4lsø
an l4rge v4t 0v m3lted pøcky: "Chocolate pøcky", "Cøc0nut pøcky,
"A1m0nd pøcky", "3xtr4 Møøse pøcky" "G pøcky"...

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

We apologise for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible have been

Mynd j00, fürry b1t3s K4n b3 pre77y n4sti...

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

We apologise again for the fault in the
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

Production Manager JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Assistant Director FORD HARRISON
Choreography MRS. BELLOTAY
Fight Director, Period Consultant BRUCE LEE
Special Effects Photography JULIAN DOYLE

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Lighting Cameraman TERRY BROOKS
Special cøspl4y3r Effects MAGICAL GIRL SNOW
cøspl4y3r Costumes AC DRAGONMASTER

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

cøspl4y3r choreographed by KING GEORGE III
Miss Daisy's cøspl4y3r by HER CHAUFFEUR
cøspl4y3r trained to mix pøcky and sign complicated insurance forms by I. M. SLICK

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

cøspl4y3r noses wiped by DOM
Largo cøspl4y3r on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, Japanese and Na Pali Level Geography by LUCIFERASCENTION

Suggestive poses for the cøspl4y3r suggested by KIT-CHAN
Antler-care by LIV TYLER

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been

The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at great
expense and at the last minute.

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

Executive Producer
RAVENSKYE & "S4B!||F!G4R0" The Wonder N1nj4

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">


Assisted By
L33T N1NJ4

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

Directed By






76000 BATTERY N1NJ45


(Whom we blame for all of this)

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">

<hr/></blockquote><font class="post">


[opening music]

The wind whistles slightly as it swept over the landscape, bringing with it, the faint sound of canting horses. Our cameras moves in across the landing, swooshing in complex loops and wondrous curves, until it focuses in on a wall, behind which several knights are riding. The camera follows our assumed heroes as they ride alongside the wall. Such poise! Such posture! They will certainly save the land from whatever horror is currently plaguing it but has not yet been revealed! The walls ends, and the great knights are revealed, hopping carefully to the beat of tapping grenades. They approach a large castle.

KING BG: Whoa there!

The knights pull up stylishly, as their squires tap their grenades in a halting manner. Over the castle, one of the guards (dressed in a neatly cut lab coat) shouts out.

CADUCEUSKUN: Halt! Who goes there?

BG: It is I, BG, son of Tragic Billdragon, from the castle of Plot Limbo. King of the Arpiers, defeater of the Yankees, Sovereign of all Megatokyo!

CADUCEUSKUN: Pull the other one!

BG: [to SILENT_ROGUE] No, no, not the grenade, you fool! [to CADUCEUSKUN] I am,... and this is my trusty servant Silent Rogue. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my Arpe at Plot Limbo. I must speak with your lord and master.

CADUCEUSKUN: What? Ridden on a horse?

BG: Yes!

CADUCEUSKUN: You're using grenades!

BG: What?

CADUCEUSKUN: You've got pinned grenades and you're bangin' 'em together.

BG:So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Real Life, through--

CADUCEUSKUN: Where'd you get the grenades?

BG: We found them.

CADUCEUSKUN: Found them? In Real Life? They haven't got any!

BG: What do you mean?

CADUCEUSKUN: Well, it is a Mecha zone.

BG: The Gundam may fly south with the sun or the Pat Labor or the Valkyrie may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

CADUCEUSKUN: Are you suggesting grenades migrate?

BG: Not at all. They could be carried.

CADUCEUSKUN: What? A Gundam carrying a grenade?

BG: It could grip it by the handle!

CADUCEUSKUN: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weapons ratios! A 70-ton Gundam would not carry a one pound grenade.

BG: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that BG from the Court of Plot Limbo is here?

CADUCEUSKUN: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a Gundam needs to fire it's rockets at 57 pounds per square inch, right?

BG: Please!


BG: I'm not interested!

IZUKO: It could be carried by an Guymelef!

CADUCEUSKUN: Oh, yeah, an Guymelef maybe, but not a Gundam. That's my point.

IZUKO: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

BG: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my Arpe at Plot Limbo?!

CADUCEUSKUN: But then of course a-- Guymelefs are non-migratory.

IZUKO: Oh, yeah.

CADUCEUSKUN: So, they couldn't bring a grenade back anyway.

King BG looks at the two guards in disgust, and signals to Silent Rogue, who begins tapping his grenades again. The great knights begin hopping away.

IZUKO: Wait a minute! Supposing the pilot carried it?

CADUCEUSKUN: No, it'd roll around on the floor.

IZUKO: Well, simple! They'd just use a strip of duct tape!

CADUCEUSKUN: What, taped under the seat?

IZUKO: Well, why not?
Scene 2

Our camera now moves slowly through a dying street, where millions (yes, millions) of wounded and dead lay moaning (the dead, too) and crying in the dirt. A young man in an a stylish jacket and cap rolls through the street with a cart. A body falls the the grow in from of him with a thud.


He quickly checks to see if there's a pulse, rifles through the man's wallet, and then throws him up on the cart with the rest of the bodies. Pocketing the money he found, he clangs his bell and begins calling out.


Mike the Vagrant: Bring out your moofed!

Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!

Some men cough to the side. He tips his hat to them cheerfully, and hands out a gallon of bleach.

MIKE: Keep that, you'll need it later.

[...cough cough]
Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!

A man walks out carrying a body. Mike looks it other and nods to the cart.

MIKE: Ninepence.

Bring out your moofed!
Bring out your moofed!
Bring out...

"Rewr!" A cat shoots in front of him, followed by another, and another, and another, and another.

"...your moofed??"

The cats keep coming, all strangely exactly the same. He could swear he'd someone who looked just like them, too... He raised his bell again.

Bring out your moofed!

A YOUNG LADY: Here's one.

MIKE: Ninepence.

DEATHBUNNYVORKON: I'm not moofied! They haven't got me yet!

MIKE: What?

PHYDEAUX: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.

DEATHBUNNYVORKON: I'm not moofied!

MIKE: 'Ere. He says he's not moofied!

PHYDEAUX: Yes, he is.


MIKE: He isn't?

PHYDEAUX: Well, he will be soon. His connection's very bad.

DEATHBUNNYVORKON: It's getting better!

PHYDEAUX: No, you're not. You'll be dead moofied in a moment.

MIKE: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

DEATHBUNNYVORKON: I don't want to go on the cart!

PHYDEAUX: Oh, don't be such a baby.

MIKE: I can't take him.


PHYDEAUX: Well, do us a favour.

MIKE: I can't.

PHYDEAUX: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

MIKE: No, I've got to go to the Plot Chat Room. They've lost nine today.

PHYDEAUX: Well, when's your next round?

MIKE: Thursday.

DEATHBUNNYVORKON: I think I'll go for a glomp.

PHYDEAUX: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?

DEATHBUNNYVORKON (singing): I feel happy. I feel happy. Teehee!

WHAP! Vorkon collapses, unconscious. Mike pockets his stolen mallet.

PHYDEAUX (suspiciously): Where'd you get that from?!

MIKE: Took it from a moofied nurse. She won't be needing it.


MIKE (not quite himself from the blow): Great Googly Moogly!

TOHRU: ('spaces her mallet): Baka! [Disappears]

MIKE: Oww...

PHYDEAUX (smirks): Serves you right. Thanks, though

MIKE (rubbing his head): Not at all. See you on Thursday.

PHYDEAUX: Right. All right.

Dogs everywhere begin howling, as BG and his minions trot by, tapping their grenades. Phy and Mike stare.

PHYDEAUX: Who's that, then?

MIKE: I dunno. Must be a king.


MIKE: He hasn't got chocolate all over him.
Scene 3

[King BG music]
[thud thud thud]
[King BG music stops]

BG: Old man!


BG: Mouse. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen.

BG: I-- what?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen. I'm not old.

BG: Well, I can't just call you 'Mouse'.

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you could say 'Count Alpicola'.

BG: Well, I didn't know you were a Count.

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

BG: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old man', but from a distance you looked--

COUNT ALPICOLA: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

BG: Well, I am King!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the 'wombicon! By 'anging on to outdated role-playing structures which perpetuate the imbalanced power and social differences in our clans! If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

AC DRAGONMASTER: Count, there's some lovely outfits down here. Oh! How d'you do?

BG: How do you do, good lady? I am BG, King of the Arpiers. Who's castle is that?

AC: King of the who?

BG: The Arpiers.

AC: Who are the Arpiers?

BG: Well, we all are. We are all Arpier, and I am your king.

AC: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

COUNT ALPICOLA: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the non-CoM classes-

AC: Oh, there you go bringing factions into it again.

COUNT ALPICOLA: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-

BG: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

AC: No one lives there.

BG: Then who is your Head of Plot Development?

AC: We don't have a Head of Plot Development.

BG: What?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of Arpee starter for the thread,...

BG: Yes.

COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but all the decisions of that thread-starter have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly chat...

BG: Yes, I see.

COUNT ALPICOLA: a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

BG: Be quiet!

COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

BG: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

AC: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

BG: I am your king!

AC: Well, I didn't vote for you.

BG: You don't vote for kings!

AC: Well, how did you become King, then?

BG: The Lady of the Darkness,...

[angels sing]
...her hair woven with the purest shimmering ribbon, held aloft the Necrowombicon from the cave of the darkness signifying by Divine Providence that I, BG, was to carry the 'wombicon.
[/angels sing]

is why I am your king!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Listen. Dead women sneaking about in dark caves distributing moldy books is no basis for a system of government. Supreme faction power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical necromantic ceremony.

BG: Be quiet!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme faction power just 'cause some psychotic deadie threw the book at you!

BG: Shut up!

COUNT ALPICOLA: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some decaying jailbait had lobbed a cookbook at me, they'd put me away!

BG: Shut up, will you? Shut up! [Begins beating Count]

COUNT ALPICOLA: Ahhh-! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

BG: Shut up!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

BG: Bloody n00b! [Begins riding away]

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
Scene 4

King BG music - Our heroes ride bravely through the forest to Plot Limbo, not knowing the danger that lies ahead.


The music stops suddenly as we abruptly see swords clash and men bellow in the fury of battle!

King BG music - Back to our heroes, who are still riding complacently in the forest.

"Aaagh!" CLASH!


King BG music - It really is quite a nice day... so peaceful and quiet...




King BG music - The camera swerves around to take a frontal shot of our heroes, casually galloping forward with their trusty grenades. All is well.

"Erg!" The two knights struggle against each other, steel on steel, trying to gain some leverage. They shove each other backwards, to reveal BG and his men coming out of the forest. BG holds up his hand and they all come to a halt and watch.

"Aaaagh!" The FAN-BOY swings, and misses as the BLACK KNIGHT jumps back. They both swing their swords forward.


Their swords locked, the FAN-BOY kicks the BLACK KNIGHT in the shin and slams him in the helmet with his sword. Then he brings down his sword for the final blow, but the BLACK KNIGHT blocks it! Much fighting ensues, involving swings, bangs, bams, magic of incredible power and sparkly effects, incredible displays of swordsmanship and knowledge, and masterful head slaps with salmon.

Finally, the BLACK KNIGHT begins a speech so long and complex that the FAN-BOY looses patience and just charges him. The BLACK KNIGHT, irritated at the interruption, swings back his sword and throws it through the air, shooting it straight through the FAN-BOY's helmet. 11.37 gallons of blood are released at a pressure of 35 psi, and the FAN-BOY falls to the ground dead.

BG looks tolerably impressed, and rides up to the BLACK KNIGHT as he pulled out his sword.

BG: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.


I am BG, King of the Arpiers.


I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Plot Limbo.


You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?


You make me sad. So be it. Come, Silent Rogue.

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

BG: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.

BG: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

BG: I command you, as King of the Arpiers, to stand aside!

BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

BG: How about women?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm afraid not.

BG: So be it!

Dramatic music cues up as BG and the BLACK KNIGHT begin fighting with excellent skill!

BG and BLACK KNIGHT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

[BG chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]

BG: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.

BG: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

BG: Well, what's that, then?

The BLACK KNIGHT looks at his stump, and pulls a cybernetic arm out of Quake-space. He attaches to to himself.

BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

BG: You liar!

BLACK KNIGHT: [his arm glowing purple]: Come on, you pansy!







[BG chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]

BG: Victory is mine!

[he kneels] We thank Thee oh Miho, that in Thy mer--

"iHah!" A foot slams BG in the head.

BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, then.

BG: What?

BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! [kick]

BG: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?

BG: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes, I have.

BG: [EMPs the cybernetic arm] Not anymore!

BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. [boots him]

BG: Look, stop that.


[kicks BG's arse again]


BG: Look, I'll have your leg. [is kicked again]



[BG chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]

BLACK KNIGHT: Right. I'll do you for that!

BG: You'll what?

BLACK KNIGHT: Come here!

BG: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!

BG: You're a looney.

BLACK KNIGHT: The Knightwalker always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.


[BG chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]

KNIGHTWALKER: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.

BG [exasperated]: Come, Silent Rogue.

KNIGHTWALKER: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5

Our camera swings in to another common village down through the street where venders are outs sellings their goods and people roam about doing their business. As we slide along the street, some monks walk past, holding some thin tomes and solemning chanting their songs. After every so many words, they smack their heads with the tomes in holy reverence and impeccable beat.

Pieiz best, yuca notbeat, wondroustas stine pieovping.
Pieiz best, yuca notbeat,...
...wondroustas stine pieovping.
Pieiz best, yuca notbeat,...
...wondroustas stine pieovping.

A blip! A blip!
A blip! A blip!

A large crowd rushes by the monks, incredibly excited for some reason, shoving everything and everyone in every way to get to the village's magistrate.

MONKS: [chanting] Pieiz best, yuca notbeat...

CROWD: A blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! We've found a blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! We've got a blip! A blip! A blip! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a blip! We've found a blip! A blip! A blip! A blip!

DURDEN: We have found a blip. May we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

They've thrown a ragged woman forwards, with all sorts of patches and pro-MC merchadise. None of them are for the same character. The Magistrate, PSIEYE, peers curiously at the her with his monocle.

PSIEYE: How do you know she is a blip?

DEUTSCH SNIPER: She looks like one.

CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

PSIEYE: Bring her forward.

ZETH: I'm not a blip. I'm not a blip.

PSIEYE: Ah, but you are dressed as one.

ZETH: They dressed me up like this!

CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

ZETH: And this isn't my patch. It's a false one.


DURDEN: Well, we did do the Ed patch.

PSIEYE: The Ed patch?

DURDEN: And the Miho blanket, but she is a blip!


CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

PSIEYE: Did you dress her up like this?








DURDEN: Yes. Yeah, a bit.

IZUKO: A bit.


IZUKO: A bit.

DURDEN: She does want Largo and Erika dating.

RANDOM: [cough]

PSIEYE: What makes you think she is a blip?

IZUKO: She turned me into a girly were-cheetah!

PSIEYE: A girly were-cheetah?


IZUKO: ...I got better.

DEUTSCH: Burn her anyway!


CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

PSIEYE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a blip.

DURDEN: Are there?


DURDEN: What are they?

CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...

PSIEYE: Tell me. What do you do with blips?



CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

PSIEYE: And what do you burn apart from blips?

DURDEN: More blips!


DEUTSCH: Houses!

PSIEYE: So, why do blips burn?


IZUKO: B--... 'cause they're made of... houses?

PSIEYE: Good! Heh heh.

CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.

PSIEYE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of houses?

DURDEN: Build a strip mall out of her!

PSIEYE: Ah, but are not strip malls made out of stores?

DURDEN: Oh, yeah.

RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

PSIEYE: Do houses sink in water?




DEUTSCH: Yes, yes, they do sink!

DURDEN: How about ships? They burn!

IZUKO: They must be houses!

PSIEYE: Close enough. Do ships sink in water?


IZUKO: No, they float! They float!

DURDEN: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!

PSIEYE: What also floats in water?



IZUKO: Uh, very small rocks!

DURDEN: Chocolate!

DEUTSCH: Uh, gra-- gravy!


DEUTSCH: Custard Grenades!

IZUKO: Uh, churches! Churches!

DEUTSCH: Lead! Hot lead!

BG: A duck!

CROWD: Oooh.

PSIEYE: Exactly. So, logically...

DURDEN: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of buildings.

PSIEYE: And therefore?

DEUTSCH: A blip!

DURDEN: A blip!

CROWD: A blip! A blip!...

MYXTHOL: Here is a duck. Use this duck.

[quack quack quack]

PSIEYE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the blip! Burn the blip! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

They all rush (somewhat slowly) over to a large set of golden scales that just happen to be about twenty feet away. Hoisting ZETH up, they place her on the right side and place the duck on the left.

PSIEYE: Right. Remove the supports!


...They balance...

CROWD: A blip! A blip! A blip!

ZETH: It's a fair cop.

IZUKO: Burn her!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...

The crowd rushes away with ZETH, already lighting torches and grabbing pitchforks! PSIEYE approaches BG with admiration.

PSIEYE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

BG: I am BG, King of the Arpiers.

PSIEYE: My liege!

BG: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Plot Limbo and join us at the Coffee Table? It has very good coffee!

PSIEYE: My liege! I would be honored.

BG: What is your name?

PSIEYE: 'PSIEYE', my liege.

BG: Then I dub you 'Sir PSIEYE, Knight of the Coffee Table'.
Scene 7 - A blessing from the Lord!

After deciding not to go to their fair Cage, the knights rode on, in search of no clue, when suddenly-


Thunder rolled and angels sang, and the Lord appeared in the clouds!

ELY: BG! BG, King of the Arpiers!

BG and his knights immediately fell to their knees and abased themselves before their master.

ELYh, don't grovel! [singing stops] One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

BG: Terribly sorry! [begins to rise]

ELY: Well... keep groveling a little more, if you like. Extra groveling never hurt anyone. But no more after this!


ELY: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.


ELY:What are you doing now?!

BG: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.

ELY: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Filks-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!

BG: Yes, Lord.

ELY: Right! BG, King of the Arpiers, your Knights of the Coffee Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

BG: Good idea, O Lord!

ELY: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!

Angelic voices sang softly across the plain as a brilliant silver... thing appeared in the air, flashing brilliantly in devine light.

ELY:BG, this is the C00l Thing. Look well, BG, for it is your sacred task to seek this thing. That is your purpose, BG: the quest for the C00l Thing.


The singing drifted away as the doors of heaven shut, grating distinctly like stone instead of cloud.

LIGHTSIDER: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!

DRAEGOS: Yuki be praised!


DRAEGOS: Er, God! I mean God!

Scene 8 - The Scot's Castle

[King BG music]

Our knights ride yet again, only this time in search for the C00l Thing! Many, many miles they traverse, over rocky terrain and high paths! Through night and mist, and great fields of heather! Finally, they see a castle in the distance, and approach!

BG: Halt!





MCFINNIGAN: Hallo! Who is it?

BG: It is King BG, and these are my Knights of the Coffee Table. Whose castle is this?

MCFINNIGAN:This's th' castle a' ma master, Guy McPhearsom.

BG: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the C00l Thing.

MCFINNIGAN: Well, Ah'll havt'ask'im, but Ah dinnae think 'e'll be vera keen aboot it. Uh'e's alreade got one, y'ken.

BG: What?

DRAEGOS: He says they've already got one!

BG: Are you sure he's got one?

MCFINNIGAN: Oh, yes. It's vera fine thing, 'tis! (Ah told 'im we've alreade got one.)

GUARDS: [chuckling]

BG: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

MCFINNIGAN: 'A course not! Yuer'n Anglish bastard!!

BG: Well, what are you, then?

MCFINNIGAN: Ah'm Scottish! Why d'ya think Ah've got this ridiculous accent, ya silly king?!

CODE Wait a second, I thought we were Canadian, eh?

NUVAN: Aye, Take off ya friggin' hoser, I'm as Canadian as the day the doc slapped me upside the arse!

MCFINNIGAN: Wheesht, ye damned CoMmies, we're Scotsmen 'cause yuer Lord's a Scot!

NUVAN: 'ey! I'm KFH, eh!

DRAEGOS: What are you doing in England?

MCFINNIGAN: Mind yuer own business!

BG: If you will not show us the Thing, we shall take your castle by force!

MCFINNIGAN: Ya don't frighten us, ya Anglish pigs! Gae an' boil yer arse, ya stupid galoot's git. Ah blow ma nose at ye, so-called BG King, yeu an' aw yer Anglish Nichts!. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

DRAEGOS: What a strange person.

BG: Now look here, my good man--

MCFINNIGAN: Ah don' wante' talk ta ye no more, ye hauf-witted pussy-whipped tattie wha livens deid fools! Ah fart in yer general direction! Yeur mither wis a poodle an' yer faither smelt of elderberries!

DRAEGOS: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MCFINNIGAN: No. Na, gae away, or Ah'll taunt ye a second time!

BG: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

MCFINNIGAN: (Aff th' coo intae th'auld Sassenachs.)

CODE: (Eh?)

MCFINNIGAN: (Aff th' coo intae th'auld Sassenachs!)


BG: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--


Suddenly from the castle flies a huge lowing badger! The sheer size it! And on top of all that, it sounds like a cow! Or was that an ominous crash of thunder...? At any rate-

BG: Miho Tohya!

<b>KNIGHTS</b>: MIHO! L33t 0n3! Yuki's Red Hot Mamma! Ah! Ohh!

[Badger slams into one of the poor squires and quite flattens him]

BG: Right! Charge!

<b>KNIGHTS</b>: Charge!

[mayhem] [with lots of tossed animals and sword-banging against the castle]

MCFINNIGAN: Aye, this one's fer yer mither! There ye gae!. [a squirrel is thrown]


MCFINNIGAN: An' this one's fer yer faither! [a pig is thrown]

BG: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!


SCOTS: [taunting]

Our fair heros regroup below a small hill.

LIGHTSIDER: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

BG: No, no. No, no.

PSIEYE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

Our brave knights push a giant wooden duck up to the castle front and run away! The castle's front door squeaks as the Scots tip-toe out (so it was more like stomping! So !)

SCOTS: [whispering] A' dook, maed a' coille!
Whit? A Gift? Aye, Aye!
Hurry. Whit? Let's gae. Oh.
Wan gaes there. Guid!
O'er here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
The Scots push the duck into the castle and close the door

BG: What happens now?

PSIEYE:Well, now, uh, LIGHTSIDER, DRAEGOS, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the duck, taking the Scots, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

BG: Who leaps out?

PSIEYE: U-- u-- uh, LIGHTSIDER, DRAEGOS, and I, uh, leap out of the duck, uh, and uh...

BG: Ohh.
PSIEYE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden hamster--


The duck comes flying back out of the castle at our heroes!

BG: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!


SCOTS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Scene 9 - The Historian

A hand reaches out in front of the camera with a scene board.


VOICE: Picture for Schools, take eight.


ASIMOV: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King BG. The ferocity of the Scottish taunting, as well as the dark brooding Canadian looks, took him completely by surprise, and BG became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the C00l Thing were to be brought to a successful conclusion. BG, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Thing individually.

[clop clop clop]

Now, this is what they did: Lightsider--

KNIGHT: Aaaah!


AREE: Frank!

ASIMOV: I... I... told you not to call me that... [dies]
Nyi, you've already cut and burned me in almost every way known to man ~ Josh Coffin, AIM conversation.

Sir William and the Three-Headed Knnnnigget

NARRATOR CHARLES FOX: The Tale of SIR WILLIAM. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. SIR WILLIAM rode north, through the dark forest of Ebay, accompanied by his favourite MINSTRELs.

MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely bold SIR WILLIAM rode forth from the Cafe.
He was not afraid to die, O brave SIR WILLIAM.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave SIR WILLIAM!

He was not in the least bit scared to be stomped by a zilla,
Or to have his eyes bleached out and his brain-cells fried,
To have a girl hammer him, his post flamed away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave SIR WILLIAM!

His head pied in and his heart stole out
And his gender undone and his bowels tied up
And his nostrils glomped and his bottom burned off
And his pants--

SIR WILLIAM: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

[INTERUPTION] (brought to you by the people's republic of freeing rp)
COUNT ALPICOLA: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

AC DRAGONMASTER: Oh, Alpi, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

[SIR WILLIAM stops abruptly as he comes across a giant three-headed knight!]

ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?

MINSTREL: [singing]
He is brave SIR WILLIAM, brave SIR WILLIAM, who--

WILLIAM: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.

ALL HEADS: What do you want?

MINSTREL: [singing]
To fight and--

WILLIAM: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.

ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!

WILLIAM: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Coffee Table.

ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Coffee Table?


SNOW (LEFT HEAD): In that case, I shall have to kill you.


ARRAM (RIGHT HEAD): Oh, I don't think so.

VET (MIDDLE): Well, what do I think?

SNOW (LEFT): I think kill him.

ARRAM (RIGHT): Oh, let's be nice to him. [to WILLIAM] Do you like Yuki?

SNOW (LEFT): Oh, shut up.

WILLIAM: Perhaps I could--

SNOW (LEFT): And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

ARRAM (RIGHT): Oh, cut your own head off!

VET (MIDDLE): Yes, do us all a favour!

SNOW (LEFT): What?

ARRAM (RIGHT): Yapping on all the time.

VET (MIDDLE): You're lucky. You're not next to him.

SNOW (LEFT): What do you mean?

VET (MIDDLE): What, waking up to you every time you go magical girl?! I'm the one who has to deal with your PMS!

SNOW (LEFT): I do not! Anyways, you've got bad breath.

VET (MIDDLE): Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

ARRAM (RIGHT): Oh, quit whining and let's go have dinner.

SNOW (LEFT): Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then I'll cook.


ARRAM (RIGHT): No! Have you forgetten what happened last time?! I've still got a hickey from that tentacle slap...

SNOW (LEFT): All right. All right, Vet will cook, but let's kill him anyway!


VET (MIDDLE): ...he buggered off!

ARRAM (RIGHT): So he has. He's scampered.

[Some ways away...]

MINSTREL: [singing]
Brave SIR WILLIAM ran away,


MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely ran away, away.

WILLIAM: I didn't!

MINSTREL: [singing]
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.


MINSTREL: [singing]
Yes, brave SIR WILLIAM turned about

WILLIAM: I didn't!

MINSTREL: [singing]
And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

WILLIAM: I never did!

MINSTREL: [singing]
He beat a very brave retreat,

WILLIAM: All lies!

MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravest of the brave, SIR WILLIAM.

WILLIAM: I never!


Will's claims are all quite true. I did it all.
Scene 11: Castle Anthrax

INTEGRAL: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Chat MT.


INTEGRAL: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every

DRAEGOS: You are the keepers of the C00l Thing?

INTEGRAL: The what?

DRAEGOS: The Thing. It is here?

INTEGRAL: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Zeth! Earthstar!


INTEGRAL: Prepare a bed for our guest.

ZETH and EARTHSTAR: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

INTEGRAL: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

DRAEGOS: Well, look, I-- I, uh--

INTEGRAL: What is your name, handsome knight?

DRAEGOS: 'Sir Draegos... the Chaste'.

INTEGRAL: Mine is 'Int'. Just 'Int'. Oh, but come.

DRAEGOS: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Thing!

INTEGRAL: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

DRAEGOS: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

INTEGRAL: Sir Draegos! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

DRAEGOS: Well, I-- I, uh--

INTEGRAL: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this chat with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, undressing, dressing in chocolate, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

DRAEGOS: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.

INTEGRAL: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.

[clap clap]

NYI KEENE:Well, what seems to be the trouble?

DRAEGOS: They're doctors?!

INTEGRAL: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.

DRAEGOS: B-- but--

INTEGRAL: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Phy! Doctor WoK! Practice your art.

BEWILDERME: Try to relax.

DRAEGOS: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

NYI KEENE: We must examine you.

DRAEGOS: There's nothing wrong with that!

NYI KEENE: Please. We are doctors.

DRAEGOS: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

NYI KEENE: Back to your bed! At once!

DRAEGOS: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Thing!

NYI KEENE: There's no Thing here. Just Int's hole!

DRAEGOS: I have seen it! I have seen it!
I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.


GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.


KIT-CHAN: No, I am Integral's identical twin sister, Kit-Chan.

DRAEGOS: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

KIT-CHAN: Where are you going?

DRAEGOS: I seek the Thing! I have seen it, here in this castle!

KIT-CHAN: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Integral!

DRAEGOS: Well, what is it?

KIT-CHAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Integral! She has been setting alight to our bishie-altar, which, I have just remembered, is Thing-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

DRAEGOS: It's not the real Thing?

KIT-CHAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Integral! She is a bad person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Chat MT, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Thing-shaped altar: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

KIT-CHAN: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.


AIS: And me.

TOHYA: And me.

KIT-CHAN: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

KIT-CHAN: And after the spanking, the sexy ravishing.

GIRLS: The ravishing! The ravishing!
DRAEGOS: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

LIGHTSIDER: Sir Draegos!

DRAEGOS: Oh, hello.





LIGHTSIDER: You are in great peril!

KIT-CHAN: No, he isn't.

LIGHTSIDER: Silence, foul temptress!

DRAEGOS: You know, she's got a point.

LIGHTSIDER: Come on! We will cover your escape!

DRAEGOS: Look, I'm fine!


GIRLS: Sir Draegos!

DRAEGOS: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

KIT-CHAN: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

LIGHTSIDER: No, Sir Draegos. Come on!

DRAEGOS: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

KIT-CHAN: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

LIGHTSIDER: No. Quick! Quick!

DRAEGOS: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

KIT-CHAN: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...


KIT-CHAN: Oh, crap.

LIGHTSIDER: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

DRAEGOS: I don't think I was.

LIGHTSIDER: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

DRAEGOS: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

LIGHTSIDER: No, it's too perilous.

DRAEGOS: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

LIGHTSIDER: No, we've got to find the C00l Thing. Come on!

DRAEGOS: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

LIGHTSIDER: No. It's unhealthy.

DRAEGOS: I bet you're gay.

LIGHTSIDER: No, I'm not.

DRAEGOS: Bishie.
NARRATOR FOX: Sir LIGHTSIDER had saved Sir DRAEGOS from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Thing. Meanwhile, King BG and Sir PSIEYE, not more than a Gundam's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen Gundam's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden Gundam flights away-- four, really, if they had a grenade on a line between them. I mean, if the mechs were walking and dragging--

CROWD: Get on with it!

NARRATOR FOX: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which BG discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any Gundams, although I think you can hear a Valkyrie-- oooh!

Scene 12

The scene begins with a closeup of an old man's face, laughing hysterically. As the camera zooms out, we can see that he is huddled around a fire in a tent with King BG and Sir PSIEYE.

DIETWATERCZAR: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...

BG: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Thing?

DWC: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...

BG: Where does he live?

DWC: ...Heh heh heh heh...

BG: Old man, where does he live?

DWC: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a Cave, a Cave of Evil which no man has entered.

BG: And the Thing. The Thing is there?

DWC: There is much danger, for beyond the Evil Cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Wai, which no man has ever crossed.

BG: But the Thing! Where is the Thing?!

DWC: Seek you the Bridge of Glomp.

BG: The Bridge of Glomp, which leads to uncovering the Thing?

DWC: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...
Scene 13: The Knights of L33t

The camera rushes jerkily through the forest, swinging and turning wildly while terrified music play in the background. Shadows flicker uncertainly behind black trees, and hearts beat skittishly as birds cry out eerily, unseen in the thick foliage. Suddenly-!

LARGO 0F L33T:L33t!

KNIGHTS 0F L33T: L33t! L33t! L33t! L33t! L33t!

BG: Who are you?

LARGO: We are the Knights Who Say... 'L33t'!


BG: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'L33t'!

LARGO: The same!

PSIEYE: Who are they?

LARGO: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'L33t', 'W00t', and 'L33333t-0n3'!

RANDOM: L33333t-0n3!

BG: Those who hear them seldom live to think again!

LARGO: The Knights Who Say 'L33t' demand.... a sacrifice!

BG: Knight 0f L33t, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

LARGO: L33t!

K.0.L.: L33t! L33t! L33t! L33t! L33t!...

BG: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

LARGO: We shall say 'l33t' again to you if you do not appease us.

BG: Well, what is it you want?

LARGO: We want... a b33r garden!

[dramatic chord]

BG: A what?

K.0.L.: L33t! L33t! L33t! L33t!

BG and PARTY: Ow! Oh!

BG: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a b33r garden.

LARGO: You must return here with a b33r garden, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.

SKORPION: What if they're undead?

HALFELFGAREN: Then we BURN them! Burn the witches!

LAZY-ASS: I hear the undead burn fairly good around this time of year...

LARGO: Silence! We use crossbows!

K.0.L.: Oooooo...

BG: O Knights 0f L33t, you are just and fair, and we will return with a b33r garden.

LARGO: A fairly old vintage.

BG: Of course.

LARGO: And not too rich!

BG: Yes.

LARGO: Now... go!
Hold on, folks, it's a long one!

NOTE: The ecchi is all in your brain. Control your corrupted mind!

Scene 14 – Make sure he doesn't leave!


MEAGEN: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE BLISS: What, the curtains?

MEAGEN: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

BLISS: But Father—

MEAGEN: Mother, lad. Mother.

BLISS: B-- b-- but Mother, I don't want any of that.

MEAGEN: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

BLISS: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather—

MEAGEN: Rather what?!

BLISS: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing!

MEAGEN: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

BLISS: B-- but I don't want land.

MEAGEN: Listen, Alice,--


MEAGEN: Bliss. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

BLISS: But-- but I don't like her.

MEAGEN: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

BLISS: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something!

MEAGEN: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Shadow, so you'd better get used to the idea!
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD SABYR: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.


MEAGEN: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD SABYR: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

MEAGEN: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: And you'll come and get him.


MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

MEAGEN: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD SABYR: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff]

MEAGEN: All right?



MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

MEAGEN: Yes? What is it?

GUARD SABYR: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh—

MEAGEN: Look, it's quite simple.


MEAGEN: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?


MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

MEAGEN: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he—

GUARD SABYR: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him—

MEAGEN: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here—

GUARD SABYR: Until you or anyone else—

MEAGEN: No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD SABYR: Just you.


MEAGEN: Get back.

GUARD SABYR: Get back.

MEAGEN: All right?

GUARD SABYR: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.


MEAGEN: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.


MEAGEN: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: The Prince?

MEAGEN: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, yes, of course.


GUARD SABYR: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

MEAGEN: Is that clear?


GUARD SABYR: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

MEAGEN: Right. Where are you going?

GUARD SABYR: We're coming with you.

MEAGEN: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, I see. Right.

BLISS: But Mother!

MEAGEN: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
And no singing!


MEAGEN: What's with 'im?

GUARD SABYR: Oh, he just got into the Iced Tea again.

While MEAGEN and SABYR talk, the wily girly Prince BLISS quickly, stealthily, and quite obviously scribbles down a note, ties it to an arrow, and shoots it out the window.

Scene 15 – Message for you, Sir!

Our hero LIGHTSIDER rides through the forest with his squire. They comes to a river, and jump it perfectly.


PYROMANIAC: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

LIGHTSIDER: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, PYROMANIAC!

Thwonk! [An arrow hits PYROMANIAC in the chest]

PYROMANIAC: Message for you, sir.

Fwump! [he falls over]

LIGHTSIDER: PYROMANIAC! PYROMANIAC! Speak to me! Hm… 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my Mother, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Rock Castle.'

At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave PYROMANIAC, you shall not have died in vain!

PYROMANIAC: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.

LIGHTSIDER: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

PYROMANIAC: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.


PYROMANIAC: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir—

LIGHTSIDER: No, no, sweet PYROMANIAC! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]

PYROMANIAC: Idiom, sir?


PYROMANIAC: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.


PYROMANIAC: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.

Scene 16 – Hurry Sir Lightsider, Hurry!

Inside the castle, a light, happy attitude reigns. People bustle about cheerfully, running errands and setting up decorations. In the court-yard, Princess Shadowdancer and her bride's maids giggle and prepare for the big day.

PRINCESS SHADOW and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]

Outside the castle, two lowly guards are doing their duty, guarding the castle from unwelcomed guests. But their part is more to welcome the guests who are welcome, unlike the unwelcomed guests- those they don't welcome. Strangely enough, while they're unwelcomed guests, they're not unwelcomed. At any rate-







In the distance, a lone figure runs. He's so far away, all they can make out is a blurry form.

SENTRY DAMIEN: What the devil is that?

SENTRY LUCI: Who, don't you mean?

SENTRY DAMIEN: Well, it could be a what…

The figure runs closer and closer, and soon they can see a human-like shape.

SENTRY LUCI: See, it's a man!

SENTRY DAMIEN: Could be an overgrown monkey.

SENTRY LUCI: No it couldn't! They haven't the proper bone structure to run upright like that!

SENTRY DAMIEN: It seems to be stooping a bit.

The figure comes even closer, running very fast and definitely not stooping.


SENTRY DAMIEN: Okay, now it isn't stooping. But it could have evolved while we were waiting for it to get closer!


SENTRY DAMIEN: [to sky] Hey, just because you started it all doesn't mean it's finished!

SENTRY LUCI: Right, so now do you admit it's a man?

SENTRY DAMIEN: Could be a woman.

SENTRY LUCI: [in frustration] AAAR-

"I'll have you rascals know,
I trust you as far as I throw!
If you'll take a minute,
You'll find out what's in it,
The pie that had your face to go."

SENTRY LUCI: See? See?! That was clearly a man's vo- SPLAT! SPLAT!

SENTRY DAMIEN: I'M HIT! We're under attack!

SENTRY LUCI: Oh, God, my eyes! The lemon meringue, my eyes! God, why did I have to ask for a bigger part?!

Our hero LIGHTSIDER suddenly drops from the sky, and is confronted with the two pie-covered guards.

LIGHTSIDER: Godzooks! Pie Monsters! HAVE AT THEE! Ha ha! Hiyya!


LIGHTSIDER: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.

Our heroic knight leaves the two dead guards and rushes into the castle! Inside, he finds thousands of enemies!

PRINCESS SHADOW and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]


GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah!

LIGHTSIDER: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...

He rushes up the stairs, into the tallest room of the tallest tower of the castle!

GUARD SABYR: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!

LIGHTSIDER: O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir LIGHTSIDER of Arpe. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

BLISS: You got my note!

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.

BLISS: You've come to rescue me!

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't—

BLISS: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...



BLISS: ...there must be... someone...

MEAGEN: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

BLISS: I'm your son!

MEAGEN: No, not you.


BLISS: He's come to rescue me, Mother!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

MEAGEN: Did you kill all those guards?

LIGHTSIDER: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.

MEAGEN: They cost fifty pounds each!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

BLISS: Don't be afraid of him, Sir LIGHTSIDER. I've got a rope all ready.

MEAGEN: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

MEAGEN: I can understand that.

BLISS: Hurry, Sir LIGHTSIDER! Hurry! [He ties a rope of bedsheets and tosses it out the window]

MEAGEN: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I really didn't mean to...

MEAGEN: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!

LIGHTSIDER: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

MEAGEN: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Arpe, when I got this note, you see—

MEAGEN: Arpe? Are you from, uh, Arpe?

BLISS: Hurry, Sir LIGHTSIDER! [He climbs out the window onto the rope]

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, I am a Knight of King BG, sir.

MEAGEN: Very nice castle, Arpe. Uh, very good pig country.


BLISS: Hurry! I'm ready!

MEAGEN: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

LIGHTSIDER: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...

BLISS: I am ready!

LIGHTSIDER:, I mean to be so understanding. [MEAGEN walks over to the window and cuts the bedsheets.]


BLISS: Oooh!

LIGHTSIDER: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

MEAGEN: Oh, don't worry about that.

BLISS: Oooh!


Scene 17 – The Dead Prince

GUESTS: [crying]

MEAGEN: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.

GUEST MAMI: There he is!

MEAGEN: Oh, bloody hell. [exciting music]

[LIGHTSIDER rushes forward with his blades!]

LIGHTSIDER: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!

MEAGEN: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!

LIGHTSIDER: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.

GUEST MAMI: He's killed the best man!

GUESTS: [yelling]

MEAGEN: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir LIGHTSIDER from the Court of Arpe, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.


GUEST MAMI: He killed my auntie!

GUESTS: [yelling]

MEAGEN: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son [bBLISS[/b], has just fallen to his death.

GUESTS: Oh! Oh, no!

MEAGEN: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!

[clap clap clap]

For, since the tragic death of her father—

GUEST ASUKI: He's not quite dead!

MEAGEN: Since the near fatal wounding of her father—

GUEST ASUKI He's getting better!

MEAGEN: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upo-

LIGHTSIDER: Great Caesar's ghost, it's my master's evil twin! [whips out a blade][/b]


BG: Uugh!

GUEST ASUKI: Oh, he's died!

MEAGEN: [eyeing appreciatively] I… see you've got quite a way with your sword.

LIGHTSIDER: [innocently unaware] Oh, it's really quite simple once you've figured out how much thrust to use.

MEAGEN: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old mum, in a very real and legally binding sense.

[clap clap clap]

And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir LIGHTSIDER of Arpe—


GUEST ASUKI: Look! The dead Prince!

GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Prince!

PYROMANIAC: He's not quite dead.

BLISS: No, I feel much better.

MEAGEN: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

BLISS: No, I was saved at the last minute.


BLISS: Well, I'll tell you. [music]

MEAGEN: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut uuup!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Not like that!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

PYROMANIAC: Quickly, sir!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

PYROMANIAC: Come this way!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

LIGHTSIDER: No! It's not right for my idiom!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...

LIGHTSIDER: I must escape more... [sigh]

GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...

PYROMANIAC: Dramatically, sir?

LIGHTSIDER: Dramatically!

GUESTS: [singing] But he's here with us today...

LIGHTSIDER: [Leaping onto a rope hanging usefully from the ceiling]
Heee! Hoa!

GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!

LIGHTSIDER: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
Scene 18

[King BG music]
[clop clop clop]
[rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! Rewr!]

A cat dashes by King BG as he and his knights ride into a poor town. Our hero spots a stooped-over old woman in rags.

BG: Old crone!
[music stops]

Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy... [dramatic chord] a b33r garden?

TERRI-SAN: Who sent you?

BG: The Knights Who Say 'L33t'.

TERRI: Aggh! No! Never! We have no b33r gardens here.

BG: If you do not tell us where we can buy a b33r garden, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'l33t'.

TERRI: Agh! Do your worst!

BG: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... l33t!

TERRI: No! Never! No b33r gardens!

BG: L33t!

TERRI: [cough]

PSIEYE: l00t!

BG: No, no, no, no, 33--

PSIEYE: l00t!

BG: No, it's not that. It's 'l33t'.

PSIEYE: l00t!

BG: No, no. 'L33t'. You're not doing it properly. No.


BG and PSIEYE: L33t!

BG: That's it. That's it. You've got it.

BG and PSIEYE: L33t!



BG: L33t!



BG: L33t!


BG: L33t!


ERIKA: Are you saying 'l33t' to that old woman?

BG: Erm,... yes.

ERIKA: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'l33t' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design b33r gardens are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

BG: Did you say 'b33r gardens'?

ERIKA: Yes. B33r gardens are my trade. I am a b33r-m4st3r. My name is 'Erika teh b33r-m4st3r'. I arrange, design, and sell b33r gardens.


BG: No! No, no, no! No!
Types: Fanfic
Scene 19: The knights who no longer say 'l33t'

BG: O Knights of L33t, we have brought you your b33r garden. May we go now?

LARGO: It is a good b33r garden. I like the pints particularly,... but there is one small problem.

BG: What is that?

LARGO: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'L33t'.

KNIGHTS OF L33T: L33t! Shh!

LARGO: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Bam-bam-bam-pikang-w00t!-BOOM-r0xx0r-j00-0wnzed-LOL'.


LARGO: Therefore, we must give you a test.

BG: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'l33t'?

LARGO: Firstly, you must find... another b33r garden!

[dramatic chord]

BG: Not another b33r garden!


LARGO: Then, when you have found the b33r garden, you must place it here beside this b33r garden, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a keg running b33r down a path in the middle.

KNIGHTS WHO TILL RECENTLY SAID L33T: A keg! A k3g! A k3g! L33t! Shh! L33t! L33t! L33t! Shh! Shh!...

LARGO: Then, when you have found the b33r garden, you must boot the slowest b0x in the forest... with... Win2k!

[dramatic chord]

KWTRSL: A Win2k! (L33t!)

BG: We shall do no such thing!

LARGO: Oh, please! It's only a 286!

BG: Run Win2k on a 286? Why, it can't be done!

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

LARGO: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.

BG: What word?

LARGO: I cannot say wai, for it is one of the words the Knights of L33t cannot hear!

BG: But you just said why!

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh!

RANDOM: (He did! He did say wai!)

LARGO: You said it again!

BG: What, 'it'?

KWTRSL: Agh! No, not 'it'.

LARGO: No, not 'it'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'it'. Why, imagine trying to say 'bit' or 'unfit'!"

KWTRSL: No, not 'it'. Not 'it'.

PSIEYE: My liege, it's Sir William!

MINSTREL: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

BG: Sir William!

WILLIAM: My liege! Why are you here?

LARGO: Now he's said the word!

BG: Looking for the C00l Thing. Surely you've not given up your quest for it?

MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--

WILLIAM: [beating] Shut up, shut up! Why won't you just shut up?! [to BG] No, no. No. Far from it.

LARGO: He said the word again!

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh!

WILLIAM: Why, I was looking for it right here!

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh!

WILLIAM: Uh, here-- here in this forest.

BG: No, it is far from this place. We were just trying to find out where, and nobody will tell us, or why.

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh!

LARGO: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...

BG: Oh, stop it!

LARGO: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said wai again!

BG: Patsy!

LARGO: Wait! I said it! I said wai!

[King BG leaves with his knights]

Ooh! I said it again! Why? And there again! That's three 'wai's! Ohh!

KWTRSL: Aaaaugh!...

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