[King BG music]
[thud thud thud]
[King BG music stops]
BG: Old man!
COUNT ALPICOLA: Mouse!
BG: Mouse. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen.
BG: I-- what?
COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen. I'm not old.
BG: Well, I can't just call you 'Mouse'.
COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you could say 'Count Alpicola'.
BG: Well, I didn't know you were a Count.
COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
BG: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old man', but from a distance you looked--
COUNT ALPICOLA: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
BG: Well, I am King!
COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the 'wombicon! By 'anging on to outdated role-playing structures which perpetuate the imbalanced power and social differences in our clans! If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
AC DRAGONMASTER: Count, there's some lovely outfits down here. Oh! How d'you do?
BG: How do you do, good lady? I am BG, King of the Arpiers. Who's castle is that?
AC: King of the who?
BG: The Arpiers.
AC: Who are the Arpiers?
BG: Well, we all are. We are all Arpier, and I am your king.
AC: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
COUNT ALPICOLA: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the non-CoM classes-
AC: Oh, there you go bringing factions into it again.
COUNT ALPICOLA: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-
BG: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
AC: No one lives there.
BG: Then who is your Head of Plot Development?
AC: We don't have a Head of Plot Development.
COUNT ALPICOLA: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of Arpee starter for the thread,...
COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but all the decisions of that thread-starter have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly chat...
BG: Yes, I see.
COUNT ALPICOLA: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
BG: Be quiet!
COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
BG: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
AC: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
BG: I am your king!
AC: Well, I didn't vote for you.
BG: You don't vote for kings!
AC: Well, how did you become King, then?
BG: The Lady of the Darkness,...
...her hair woven with the purest shimmering ribbon, held aloft the Necrowombicon from the cave of the darkness signifying by Divine Providence that I, BG, was to carry the 'wombicon.
That is why I am your king!
COUNT ALPICOLA: Listen. Dead women sneaking about in dark caves distributing moldy books is no basis for a system of government. Supreme faction power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical necromantic ceremony.
BG: Be quiet!
COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme faction power just 'cause some psychotic deadie threw the book at you!
BG: Shut up!
COUNT ALPICOLA: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some decaying jailbait had lobbed a cookbook at me, they'd put me away!
BG: Shut up, will you? Shut up! [Begins beating Count]
COUNT ALPICOLA: Ahhh-! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
BG: Shut up!
COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
BG: Bloody n00b! [Begins riding away]
COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?