Scene 3

[thud]
[King BG music]
[thud thud thud]
[King BG music stops]

BG: Old man!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Mouse!

BG: Mouse. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen.

BG: I-- what?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I'm nineteen. I'm not old.

BG: Well, I can't just call you 'Mouse'.

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you could say 'Count Alpicola'.

BG: Well, I didn't know you were a Count.

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

BG: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old man', but from a distance you looked--

COUNT ALPICOLA: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

BG: Well, I am King!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the 'wombicon! By 'anging on to outdated role-playing structures which perpetuate the imbalanced power and social differences in our clans! If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

AC DRAGONMASTER: Count, there's some lovely outfits down here. Oh! How d'you do?

BG: How do you do, good lady? I am BG, King of the Arpiers. Who's castle is that?

AC: King of the who?

BG: The Arpiers.

AC: Who are the Arpiers?

BG: Well, we all are. We are all Arpier, and I am your king.

AC: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

COUNT ALPICOLA: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the non-CoM classes-

AC: Oh, there you go bringing factions into it again.

COUNT ALPICOLA: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-

BG: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

AC: No one lives there.

BG: Then who is your Head of Plot Development?

AC: We don't have a Head of Plot Development.

BG: What?

COUNT ALPICOLA: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of Arpee starter for the thread,...

BG: Yes.

COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but all the decisions of that thread-starter have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly chat...

BG: Yes, I see.

COUNT ALPICOLA: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

BG: Be quiet!

COUNT ALPICOLA: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

BG: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

AC: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

BG: I am your king!

AC: Well, I didn't vote for you.

BG: You don't vote for kings!

AC: Well, how did you become King, then?

BG: The Lady of the Darkness,...

[angels sing]
...her hair woven with the purest shimmering ribbon, held aloft the Necrowombicon from the cave of the darkness signifying by Divine Providence that I, BG, was to carry the 'wombicon.
[/angels sing]

That
is why I am your king!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Listen. Dead women sneaking about in dark caves distributing moldy books is no basis for a system of government. Supreme faction power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical necromantic ceremony.

BG: Be quiet!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme faction power just 'cause some psychotic deadie threw the book at you!

BG: Shut up!

COUNT ALPICOLA: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some decaying jailbait had lobbed a cookbook at me, they'd put me away!

BG: Shut up, will you? Shut up! [Begins beating Count]

COUNT ALPICOLA: Ahhh-! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

BG: Shut up!

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

BG: Bloody n00b! [Begins riding away]

COUNT ALPICOLA: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

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