Scene 5

Our camera swings in to another common village down through the street where venders are outs sellings their goods and people roam about doing their business. As we slide along the street, some monks walk past, holding some thin tomes and solemning chanting their songs. After every so many words, they smack their heads with the tomes in holy reverence and impeccable beat.

MONKS:
Pieiz best, yuca notbeat, wondroustas stine pieovping.
[bonk]
Pieiz best, yuca notbeat,...
[bonk]
...wondroustas stine pieovping.
[bonk]
Pieiz best, yuca notbeat,...
[bonk]
...wondroustas stine pieovping.

CROWD:
A blip! A blip!
[bonk]
A blip! A blip!

A large crowd rushes by the monks, incredibly excited for some reason, shoving everything and everyone in every way to get to the village's magistrate.

MONKS: [chanting] Pieiz best, yuca notbeat...

CROWD: A blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! We've found a blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! A blip! We've got a blip! A blip! A blip! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a blip! We've found a blip! A blip! A blip! A blip!

DURDEN: We have found a blip. May we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

They've thrown a ragged woman forwards, with all sorts of patches and pro-MC merchadise. None of them are for the same character. The Magistrate, PSIEYE, peers curiously at the her with his monocle.

PSIEYE: How do you know she is a blip?

DEUTSCH SNIPER: She looks like one.

CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

PSIEYE: Bring her forward.

ZETH: I'm not a blip. I'm not a blip.

PSIEYE: Ah, but you are dressed as one.

ZETH: They dressed me up like this!

CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

ZETH: And this isn't my patch. It's a false one.

PSIEYE: Well?

DURDEN: Well, we did do the Ed patch.

PSIEYE: The Ed patch?

DURDEN: And the Miho blanket, but she is a blip!

DEUTSCH: Yeah!

CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

PSIEYE: Did you dress her up like this?

DURDEN: No!

DEUTSCH and IZUKO: No. No.

DEUTSCH: No.

DURDEN: No.

DEUTSCH and IZUKO: No.

DURDEN: Yes.

DEUTSCH: Yes.

DURDEN: Yes. Yeah, a bit.

IZUKO: A bit.

DURDEN and DEUTSCH: A bit.

IZUKO: A bit.

DURDEN: She does want Largo and Erika dating.

RANDOM: [cough]

PSIEYE: What makes you think she is a blip?

IZUKO: She turned me into a girly were-cheetah!

PSIEYE: A girly were-cheetah?

[pause]

IZUKO: ...I got better.

DEUTSCH: Burn her anyway!

DURDEN: Burn!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

PSIEYE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a blip.

DURDEN: Are there?

DEUTSCH: Ah?

DURDEN: What are they?

CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...

PSIEYE: Tell me. What do you do with blips?

DEUTSCH: Burn!

DURDEN: Burn!

CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

PSIEYE: And what do you burn apart from blips?

DURDEN: More blips!

IZUKO: Shh!

DEUTSCH: Houses!

PSIEYE: So, why do blips burn?

[pause]

IZUKO: B--... 'cause they're made of... houses?

PSIEYE: Good! Heh heh.

CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh.

PSIEYE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of houses?

DURDEN: Build a strip mall out of her!

PSIEYE: Ah, but are not strip malls made out of stores?

DURDEN: Oh, yeah.

RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

PSIEYE: Do houses sink in water?

DURDEN: No, No.

IZUKO: Yes!

DURDEN: Yes?

DEUTSCH: Yes, yes, they do sink!

DURDEN: How about ships? They burn!

IZUKO: They must be houses!

PSIEYE: Close enough. Do ships sink in water?

DURDEN: No. No.

IZUKO: No, they float! They float!

DURDEN: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!

PSIEYE: What also floats in water?

DURDEN: Pie!

DEUTSCH: Spam!

IZUKO: Uh, very small rocks!

DURDEN: Chocolate!

DEUTSCH: Uh, gra-- gravy!

DURDEN: RAVERS!

DEUTSCH: Custard Grenades!

IZUKO: Uh, churches! Churches!

DEUTSCH: Lead! Hot lead!

BG: A duck!

CROWD: Oooh.

PSIEYE: Exactly. So, logically...

DURDEN: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of buildings.

PSIEYE: And therefore?

DEUTSCH: A blip!

DURDEN: A blip!

CROWD: A blip! A blip!...

MYXTHOL: Here is a duck. Use this duck.

[quack quack quack]

PSIEYE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the blip! Burn the blip! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

They all rush (somewhat slowly) over to a large set of golden scales that just happen to be about twenty feet away. Hoisting ZETH up, they place her on the right side and place the duck on the left.

PSIEYE: Right. Remove the supports!

[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]

...They balance...

CROWD: A blip! A blip! A blip!

ZETH: It's a fair cop.

IZUKO: Burn her!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...

The crowd rushes away with ZETH, already lighting torches and grabbing pitchforks! PSIEYE approaches BG with admiration.

PSIEYE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

BG: I am BG, King of the Arpiers.

PSIEYE: My liege!

BG: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Plot Limbo and join us at the Coffee Table? It has very good coffee!

PSIEYE: My liege! I would be honored.

BG: What is your name?

PSIEYE: 'PSIEYE', my liege.

BG: Then I dub you 'Sir PSIEYE, Knight of the Coffee Table'.

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