Scene 8 - The Scot's Castle

[King BG music]

Our knights ride yet again, only this time in search for the C00l Thing! Many, many miles they traverse, over rocky terrain and high paths! Through night and mist, and great fields of heather! Finally, they see a castle in the distance, and approach!

BG: Halt!





MCFINNIGAN: Hallo! Who is it?

BG: It is King BG, and these are my Knights of the Coffee Table. Whose castle is this?

MCFINNIGAN:This's th' castle a' ma master, Guy McPhearsom.

BG: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the C00l Thing.

MCFINNIGAN: Well, Ah'll havt'ask'im, but Ah dinnae think 'e'll be vera keen aboot it. Uh'e's alreade got one, y'ken.

BG: What?

DRAEGOS: He says they've already got one!

BG: Are you sure he's got one?

MCFINNIGAN: Oh, yes. It's vera fine thing, 'tis! (Ah told 'im we've alreade got one.)

GUARDS: [chuckling]

BG: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

MCFINNIGAN: 'A course not! Yuer'n Anglish bastard!!

BG: Well, what are you, then?

MCFINNIGAN: Ah'm Scottish! Why d'ya think Ah've got this ridiculous accent, ya silly king?!

CODE Wait a second, I thought we were Canadian, eh?

NUVAN: Aye, Take off ya friggin' hoser, I'm as Canadian as the day the doc slapped me upside the arse!

MCFINNIGAN: Wheesht, ye damned CoMmies, we're Scotsmen 'cause yuer Lord's a Scot!

NUVAN: 'ey! I'm KFH, eh!

DRAEGOS: What are you doing in England?

MCFINNIGAN: Mind yuer own business!

BG: If you will not show us the Thing, we shall take your castle by force!

MCFINNIGAN: Ya don't frighten us, ya Anglish pigs! Gae an' boil yer arse, ya stupid galoot's git. Ah blow ma nose at ye, so-called BG King, yeu an' aw yer Anglish Nichts!. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

DRAEGOS: What a strange person.

BG: Now look here, my good man--

MCFINNIGAN: Ah don' wante' talk ta ye no more, ye hauf-witted pussy-whipped tattie wha livens deid fools! Ah fart in yer general direction! Yeur mither wis a poodle an' yer faither smelt of elderberries!

DRAEGOS: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

MCFINNIGAN: No. Na, gae away, or Ah'll taunt ye a second time!

BG: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

MCFINNIGAN: (Aff th' coo intae th'auld Sassenachs.)

CODE: (Eh?)

MCFINNIGAN: (Aff th' coo intae th'auld Sassenachs!)


BG: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--


Suddenly from the castle flies a huge lowing badger! The sheer size it! And on top of all that, it sounds like a cow! Or was that an ominous crash of thunder...? At any rate-

BG: Miho Tohya!

<b>KNIGHTS</b>: MIHO! L33t 0n3! Yuki's Red Hot Mamma! Ah! Ohh!

[Badger slams into one of the poor squires and quite flattens him]

BG: Right! Charge!

<b>KNIGHTS</b>: Charge!

[mayhem] [with lots of tossed animals and sword-banging against the castle]

MCFINNIGAN: Aye, this one's fer yer mither! There ye gae!. [a squirrel is thrown]


MCFINNIGAN: An' this one's fer yer faither! [a pig is thrown]

BG: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!


SCOTS: [taunting]

Our fair heros regroup below a small hill.

LIGHTSIDER: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

BG: No, no. No, no.

PSIEYE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

Our brave knights push a giant wooden duck up to the castle front and run away! The castle's front door squeaks as the Scots tip-toe out (so it was more like stomping! So !)

SCOTS: [whispering] A' dook, maed a' coille!
Whit? A Gift? Aye, Aye!
Hurry. Whit? Let's gae. Oh.
Wan gaes there. Guid!
O'er here...

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
The Scots push the duck into the castle and close the door

BG: What happens now?

PSIEYE:Well, now, uh, LIGHTSIDER, DRAEGOS, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the duck, taking the Scots, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

BG: Who leaps out?

PSIEYE: U-- u-- uh, LIGHTSIDER, DRAEGOS, and I, uh, leap out of the duck, uh, and uh...

BG: Ohh.
PSIEYE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden hamster--


The duck comes flying back out of the castle at our heroes!

BG: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!


SCOTS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

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