Scene 11: Castle Anthrax

INTEGRAL: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Chat MT.

DRAEGOS: The Chat MT?

INTEGRAL: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every
need!

DRAEGOS: You are the keepers of the C00l Thing?

INTEGRAL: The what?

DRAEGOS: The Thing. It is here?

INTEGRAL: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Zeth! Earthstar!

ZETH and EARTHSTAR: Yes, O Kit?

INTEGRAL: Prepare a bed for our guest.

ZETH and EARTHSTAR: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

INTEGRAL: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

DRAEGOS: Well, look, I-- I, uh--

INTEGRAL: What is your name, handsome knight?

DRAEGOS: 'Sir Draegos... the Chaste'.

INTEGRAL: Mine is 'Int'. Just 'Int'. Oh, but come.

DRAEGOS: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Thing!

INTEGRAL: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

DRAEGOS: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

INTEGRAL: Sir Draegos! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

DRAEGOS: Well, I-- I, uh--

INTEGRAL: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this chat with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, undressing, dressing in chocolate, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

DRAEGOS: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.

INTEGRAL: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.

[clap clap]

NYI KEENE:Well, what seems to be the trouble?

DRAEGOS: They're doctors?!

INTEGRAL: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.

DRAEGOS: B-- but--

INTEGRAL: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Phy! Doctor WoK! Practice your art.

BEWILDERME: Try to relax.

DRAEGOS: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

NYI KEENE: We must examine you.

DRAEGOS: There's nothing wrong with that!

NYI KEENE: Please. We are doctors.

DRAEGOS: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

NYI KEENE: Back to your bed! At once!

DRAEGOS: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Thing!

NYI KEENE: There's no Thing here. Just Int's hole!

DRAEGOS: I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.

DRAEGOS: Oh.

GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

DRAEGOS: INTEGRAL!

KIT-CHAN: No, I am Integral's identical twin sister, Kit-Chan.

DRAEGOS: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

KIT-CHAN: Where are you going?

DRAEGOS: I seek the Thing! I have seen it, here in this castle!

KIT-CHAN: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Integral!

DRAEGOS: Well, what is it?

KIT-CHAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Integral! She has been setting alight to our bishie-altar, which, I have just remembered, is Thing-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

DRAEGOS: It's not the real Thing?

KIT-CHAN: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Integral! She is a bad person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Chat MT, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Thing-shaped altar: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

KIT-CHAN: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

ACDRAGONMASTER: And spank me.

AIS: And me.

TOHYA: And me.

KIT-CHAN: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

KIT-CHAN: And after the spanking, the sexy ravishing.

GIRLS: The ravishing! The ravishing!
DRAEGOS: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

LIGHTSIDER: Sir Draegos!

DRAEGOS: Oh, hello.

LIGHTSIDER: Quick!

DRAEGOS: What?

LIGHTSIDER: Quick!

DRAEGOS: Why?

LIGHTSIDER: You are in great peril!

KIT-CHAN: No, he isn't.

LIGHTSIDER: Silence, foul temptress!

DRAEGOS: You know, she's got a point.

LIGHTSIDER: Come on! We will cover your escape!

DRAEGOS: Look, I'm fine!

LIGHTSIDER: Come on!

GIRLS: Sir Draegos!

DRAEGOS: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

KIT-CHAN: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

LIGHTSIDER: No, Sir Draegos. Come on!

DRAEGOS: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

KIT-CHAN: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

LIGHTSIDER: No. Quick! Quick!

DRAEGOS: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

KIT-CHAN: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

[boom]

KIT-CHAN: Oh, crap.

LIGHTSIDER: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

DRAEGOS: I don't think I was.

LIGHTSIDER: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

DRAEGOS: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

LIGHTSIDER: No, it's too perilous.

DRAEGOS: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

LIGHTSIDER: No, we've got to find the C00l Thing. Come on!

DRAEGOS: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

LIGHTSIDER: No. It's unhealthy.

DRAEGOS: I bet you're gay.

LIGHTSIDER: No, I'm not.

DRAEGOS: Bishie.

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