Hold on, folks, it's a long one!

NOTE: The ecchi is all in your brain. Control your corrupted mind!

Scene 14 – Make sure he doesn't leave!

ASIMOV: The Tale of Sir LIGHTSIDER.

MEAGEN: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE BLISS: What, the curtains?

MEAGEN: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

BLISS: But Father—

MEAGEN: Mother, lad. Mother.

BLISS: B-- b-- but Mother, I don't want any of that.

MEAGEN: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

BLISS: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather—

MEAGEN: Rather what?!

BLISS: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing!

MEAGEN: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

BLISS: B-- but I don't want land.

MEAGEN: Listen, Alice,--

BLISS: BLISS.

MEAGEN: Bliss. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

BLISS: But-- but I don't like her.

MEAGEN: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

BLISS: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something!

MEAGEN: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Shadow, so you'd better get used to the idea!
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

GUARD SABYR: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD SABYR: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

MEAGEN: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

MEAGEN: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD SABYR: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff]

MEAGEN: All right?

GUARD SABYR: Right.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

MEAGEN: Yes? What is it?

GUARD SABYR: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh—

MEAGEN: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD SABYR: Uh...

MEAGEN: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: Right.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

MEAGEN: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he—

GUARD SABYR: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him—

MEAGEN: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here—

GUARD SABYR: Until you or anyone else—

MEAGEN: No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD SABYR: Just you.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: Get back.

GUARD SABYR: Get back.

MEAGEN: All right?

GUARD SABYR: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: What?

MEAGEN: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: The Prince?

MEAGEN: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, yes, of course.

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

GUARD SABYR: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

MEAGEN: Is that clear?

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

GUARD SABYR: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

MEAGEN: Right. Where are you going?

GUARD SABYR: We're coming with you.

MEAGEN: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD SABYR: Oh, I see. Right.

BLISS: But Mother!

MEAGEN: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
[music]
And no singing!

GUARD HANATOKO: Hic!

MEAGEN: What's with 'im?

GUARD SABYR: Oh, he just got into the Iced Tea again.

While MEAGEN and SABYR talk, the wily girly Prince BLISS quickly, stealthily, and quite obviously scribbles down a note, ties it to an arrow, and shoots it out the window.





Scene 15 – Message for you, Sir!

Our hero LIGHTSIDER rides through the forest with his squire. They comes to a river, and jump it perfectly.

LIGHTSIDER: Well taken, PYROMANIAC!

PYROMANIAC: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

LIGHTSIDER: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, PYROMANIAC!

Thwonk! [An arrow hits PYROMANIAC in the chest]

PYROMANIAC: Message for you, sir.

Fwump! [he falls over]

LIGHTSIDER: PYROMANIAC! PYROMANIAC! Speak to me! Hm… 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my Mother, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Rock Castle.'

At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave PYROMANIAC, you shall not have died in vain!

PYROMANIAC: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.

LIGHTSIDER: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

PYROMANIAC: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.

LIGHTSIDER: Oh, I see.

PYROMANIAC: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir—

LIGHTSIDER: No, no, sweet PYROMANIAC! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]

PYROMANIAC: Idiom, sir?

LIGHTSIDER: Idiom!

PYROMANIAC: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

LIGHTSIDER: Farewell, sweet PYROMANIAC!

PYROMANIAC: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.





Scene 16 – Hurry Sir Lightsider, Hurry!

Inside the castle, a light, happy attitude reigns. People bustle about cheerfully, running errands and setting up decorations. In the court-yard, Princess Shadowdancer and her bride's maids giggle and prepare for the big day.

PRINCESS SHADOW and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]

Outside the castle, two lowly guards are doing their duty, guarding the castle from unwelcomed guests. But their part is more to welcome the guests who are welcome, unlike the unwelcomed guests- those they don't welcome. Strangely enough, while they're unwelcomed guests, they're not unwelcomed. At any rate-

GUEST KIMIKO: 'Morning!

SENTRY DAMIEN: 'Morning.

SENTRY LUCI: Oooh.

SENTRY DAMIEN: What?

SENTRY LUCI: There!

SENTRY DAMIEN: Where?

In the distance, a lone figure runs. He's so far away, all they can make out is a blurry form.

SENTRY DAMIEN: What the devil is that?

SENTRY LUCI: Who, don't you mean?

SENTRY DAMIEN: Well, it could be a what…

The figure runs closer and closer, and soon they can see a human-like shape.

SENTRY LUCI: See, it's a man!

SENTRY DAMIEN: Could be an overgrown monkey.

SENTRY LUCI: No it couldn't! They haven't the proper bone structure to run upright like that!

SENTRY DAMIEN: It seems to be stooping a bit.

The figure comes even closer, running very fast and definitely not stooping.

SENTRY LUCI: See?!

SENTRY DAMIEN: Okay, now it isn't stooping. But it could have evolved while we were waiting for it to get closer!

BOOM!

SENTRY DAMIEN: [to sky] Hey, just because you started it all doesn't mean it's finished!

SENTRY LUCI: Right, so now do you admit it's a man?

SENTRY DAMIEN: Could be a woman.

SENTRY LUCI: [in frustration] AAAR-

"I'll have you rascals know,
I trust you as far as I throw!
If you'll take a minute,
You'll find out what's in it,
The pie that had your face to go."


SENTRY LUCI: See? See?! That was clearly a man's vo- SPLAT! SPLAT!

SENTRY DAMIEN: I'M HIT! We're under attack!

SENTRY LUCI: Oh, God, my eyes! The lemon meringue, my eyes! God, why did I have to ask for a bigger part?!

Our hero LIGHTSIDER suddenly drops from the sky, and is confronted with the two pie-covered guards.

LIGHTSIDER: Godzooks! Pie Monsters! HAVE AT THEE! Ha ha! Hiyya!

SENTRY DAMIEN: Wait, wha-AAUGH!

LIGHTSIDER: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.

Our heroic knight leaves the two dead guards and rushes into the castle! Inside, he finds thousands of enemies!

PRINCESS SHADOW and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]

LIGHTSIDER: Ha ha! Huy!

GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah!

LIGHTSIDER: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...

He rushes up the stairs, into the tallest room of the tallest tower of the castle!

GUARD SABYR: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!

LIGHTSIDER: O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir LIGHTSIDER of Arpe. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

BLISS: You got my note!

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.

BLISS: You've come to rescue me!

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't—

BLISS: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...

[music]

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I—

BLISS: ...there must be... someone...

MEAGEN: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

BLISS: I'm your son!

MEAGEN: No, not you.

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, I am Sir LIGHTSIDER, ma'am.

BLISS: He's come to rescue me, Mother!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

MEAGEN: Did you kill all those guards?

LIGHTSIDER: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.

MEAGEN: They cost fifty pounds each!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

BLISS: Don't be afraid of him, Sir LIGHTSIDER. I've got a rope all ready.

MEAGEN: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

MEAGEN: I can understand that.

BLISS: Hurry, Sir LIGHTSIDER! Hurry! [He ties a rope of bedsheets and tosses it out the window]

MEAGEN: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I really didn't mean to...

MEAGEN: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!

LIGHTSIDER: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

MEAGEN: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!

LIGHTSIDER: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Arpe, when I got this note, you see—

MEAGEN: Arpe? Are you from, uh, Arpe?

BLISS: Hurry, Sir LIGHTSIDER! [He climbs out the window onto the rope]

LIGHTSIDER: Uh, I am a Knight of King BG, sir.

MEAGEN: Very nice castle, Arpe. Uh, very good pig country.

LIGHTSIDER: Is it?

BLISS: Hurry! I'm ready!

MEAGEN: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

LIGHTSIDER: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...

BLISS: I am ready!

LIGHTSIDER: ...um, I mean to be so understanding. [MEAGEN walks over to the window and cuts the bedsheets.]

[thonk]
Um,...
[woosh]

BLISS: Oooh!

LIGHTSIDER: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

MEAGEN: Oh, don't worry about that.

BLISS: Oooh!

[splat]





Scene 17 – The Dead Prince

GUESTS: [crying]

MEAGEN: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.

GUEST MAMI: There he is!

MEAGEN: Oh, bloody hell. [exciting music]

[LIGHTSIDER rushes forward with his blades!]

LIGHTSIDER: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!

MEAGEN: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!

LIGHTSIDER: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.

GUEST MAMI: He's killed the best man!

GUESTS: [yelling]

MEAGEN: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir LIGHTSIDER from the Court of Arpe, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.

LIGHTSIDER: Hello.

GUEST MAMI: He killed my auntie!

GUESTS: [yelling]

MEAGEN: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son [bBLISS[/b], has just fallen to his death.

GUESTS: Oh! Oh, no!

MEAGEN: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!

[clap clap clap]

For, since the tragic death of her father—

GUEST ASUKI: He's not quite dead!

MEAGEN: Since the near fatal wounding of her father—

GUEST ASUKI He's getting better!

MEAGEN: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upo-

LIGHTSIDER: Great Caesar's ghost, it's my master's evil twin! [whips out a blade][/b]

Twip-whirlwhirl-thunk!


BG: Uugh!

GUEST ASUKI: Oh, he's died!

MEAGEN: [eyeing appreciatively] I… see you've got quite a way with your sword.

LIGHTSIDER: [innocently unaware] Oh, it's really quite simple once you've figured out how much thrust to use.

MEAGEN: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old mum, in a very real and legally binding sense.

[clap clap clap]

And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir LIGHTSIDER of Arpe—

LIGHTSIDER: What?

GUEST ASUKI: Look! The dead Prince!

GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Prince!

PYROMANIAC: He's not quite dead.

BLISS: No, I feel much better.

MEAGEN: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

BLISS: No, I was saved at the last minute.

MEAGEN: How?!

BLISS: Well, I'll tell you. [music]

MEAGEN: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut uuup!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

MEAGEN: Not like that!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

PYROMANIAC: Quickly, sir!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

PYROMANIAC: Come this way!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

LIGHTSIDER: No! It's not right for my idiom!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...

LIGHTSIDER: I must escape more... [sigh]

GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...

PYROMANIAC: Dramatically, sir?

LIGHTSIDER: Dramatically!

GUESTS: [singing] But he's here with us today...

LIGHTSIDER: [Leaping onto a rope hanging usefully from the ceiling]
Heee! Hoa!
[crash]
Hoo!

GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!

LIGHTSIDER: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?

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