I'm Only Trying to Help
Apologies to Mitch Leigh and Joe Darion
Filk by NightStrife

[The prison]
[spoken]

LAGRANDE:
And what of those left behind; the
Friends of Largo? His surrogate daughter
who idolizes him (but is upset over his
leaving her) and his rival of many years
(who is worried at what may result from
the rampage) seek the advice of Largo's
Long-time friend, the local artist. And
Soon, there enters a man of cunning and
Professionalism, whose concern about the
Implications on his mission outweigh the rest.

[A store]
[singing]

PING:
I'm only trying to help,
I'm only trying to help,
Whatever things may come to pass,
I'm only trying to help.

But my program, it was made,
So my systems are for aid,
I'm only hoping that I can try to help him.

I've been told that he has run off
Seeking zombies and undead,
And I fear that if he finds them
Something might cut off his head!

Oh I love my Largo-sama,
But he has rejected me,
And I'd like to (with a street pole)
Split his skull for all to see!

But if I do, but if he dies,
I'll remind you that my mantra still applies:

PING: / PIRO:
I'm only trying to help, / I know you are, my friend.
I'm only trying to help, / It is okay, my friend.
I'm only hoping that / It will
I can try to help him. / Work out.

MIHO:
I'm only trying to help,
I'm only trying to help,
Whatever things may come to pass,
I'm only trying to help.

Oh, my morals are, you see,
Pure as one could hope to be,
I'm only hoping that I can try to help him.

Oh, I fear that he's spent too long
Playing all those action games,
And should he be found there might be
Certain people who he maims.

For I hear he seeks an evil
He will vanquish in a fight,
Should he think that it may be me
He might kill me in the night!

But if he does, but should he try,
I will try to show him reason as I cry:

MIHO: / PIRO: / PING:
I'm only trying to help, / I know you are, my friend. / Woe, woe, woe!
I'm only trying to help, / It is okay, my friend. / Woe, woe, woe!
I'm only hoping that / It will / Woe, woe!
I can try to help him. / Work out. / Woe, woe!

MIHO:
Woe!

PING:
Woe!

PIRO: / MIHO,PING:
They're only trying to help, / Woe, woe, woe!
They're only trying to help, / Woe, woe, woe!
How sweetly does their friendship hold, / Woe, woe, woe!
They're only trying to help. / Woe, woe, woe!

It is telling, to be sure, / Woe, woe, woe!
That his friends have thoughts so pure, / Woe, woe, woe!
That they are hoping that / Woe, woe!
They can try to help him. / Woe, woe!
We're Only Trying to Help (I'm Only Trying to Help reprise)
Apologies to Mitch Leigh and Joe Darion
Filk by NightStrife

[spoken]
[DOM enters]

PING:
Dom!

PIRO:
Have you heard?

DOM:
I saw the results with my own eyes on my way here.
Ping, your 'Largo-sama' has earned the ire of every
Police force in the city! Piro, what do you know of this?

PIRO:
Only that Largo has been carried away by the latest
Zombie-killing game.

DOM:
Largo has snapped and is going on a drunken rampage!

PIRO:
There's a difference?

DOM:
Not with Largo, I suppose.

PING:
What can we do? We have to find Largo-sama!

DOM:
I'm more worried about what will happen if the authorities
Follow his trail back here! You could get killed!

PIRO:
Come now, Dom, the police wouldn't -

DOM:
I don't want little plastic pieces in my hands!

MIHO:
People always assume the worst about what others have done.
In some cases, there just isn't time to check facts
Thoroughly.

PIRO:
What facts? Largo just interprets events differently.

DOM:
And is causing massive amounts of property damage
In the process!

PING:
Please, Dom, don't be upset! Largo was planning to give
You everything! All the equipment, beer, your own ninj4...

PIRO:
True, Dom. Largo was even going to give you a certain
Couple of photographs. Afterall, they'd be safest in your
Possession.

DOM [hand on Sig Sauer 9mm]:
Is that a threat? Are you a friend or not?

PIRO:
What I meant was, consider it another part of your mission.

DOM:
How so?

PIRO:
Think of the bonus you would receive for stopping this
Rampage. Not only monetary, but in favors and an ease
In completing the rest of your mission.

DOM:
Hmmm, that would be worthwhile...

PIRO:
Impossible?

DOM:
He can't be too far.

PIRO:
Just follow the screams.

DOM:
Get ready, Piro, we're going after him!

[singing]

But ere we go, before we fly,
I would like to tell you all here why we try:

PIRO:
It seems to me, that as we go,
There is but one thought that they all will try to show:

DOM: / PIRO,PING,MIHO:
I'm only trying to help, / He's only trying to help,
I'm only trying to help, / He's only trying to help,
Whatever things may come to pass,
I'm only trying to help. / He's only trying to help.

Screw my mission, it is clear,
Largo is a friend more dear,
I'm only hoping that / He's only hoping that
I can try to help him. / He can try to help him.

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