The Claymore Dance

Smurd was feeling truly sorry for himself: sick as a dog and trapped on the grounds after his car was smashed by a stray caber, he was now witness to the spectacle of hundreds of drunken, skirt-wearing males carrying yards of naked steel, bandying them about like so many badminton racquets. Smurd knew that when the hangover passed -- if it ever passed -- he would forever remember that constant swoosh of huge blades. "Oh well," he thought, fumbling for his pencil, "might as well make hay while the sun shines."

The Claymore Dance to the tune of "The Safety Dance"

Claymore-Dance!

Oh you can dress how you want to, you can even wear a skirt
But I must request that if you cross-dress
That you at least wear a shirt
I say, you can say what you want to, and you'll find I'll surely agree
'Cos with a blade that big and dressed in that rig
It's either that, or flee
and you can dance

You can dance if you want to, but mind that cutlery
'Cos your friends all drink and if they don't think
Then we're gonna need surgery
I say, you can dance how you want to and say what you want to say
'Cos I can't ignore that you've got a claymore
Oh I wish I was miles away
sure, you can dance.

"Farquhar!"

I think, Can't I leave when I want to? the place is outta control
Where guys dress like chicks and toss giant sticks --
They're as big as telephone poles...
I say you can act how you want to with a switchblade that immense
Hey, you can pick your nose and even wear hose
Before I would take offence

I say you can dance, you can dance (everything's outta control)
You can dance, you can dance (oh please I wanna stay whole)
You can dance, you can dance (everybody say good-bye)
You can dance, you can dance (everybody's going to die)
Claymore dance
Oh no, the claymore dance
Look out, the claymore dance
Claymore dance

Yeah, I'll dance if I have to, if you'll let me keep my head
If you're gonna swing it make sure you don't fling it
Or everyone'll wind up dead
I say, you can laugh if you want to, if you want I'll be your friend
'Cos my life's at stake, I'll do what it takes
So I won't get julienned

I say you can dance, you can dance (everything's outta control)
You can dance, you can dance (oh please I wanna stay whole)
You can dance, you can dance (everybody say good-bye)
You can dance, you can dance (everybody's going to die)
Oh no the claymore dance
Oh no the claymore dance
Look out, the claymore dance
Look out, the claymore dance
Oh no the claymore dance
Oh the claymore dance yeah
Run, it's the claymore dance
It's the claymore dance
Well it's the claymore dance
*thump* it's the claymore dance
"Aiee!" it's the claymore dance
*crash* it's the claymore dance
"urk" it's the claymore dance

(Apologies to Men Without Hats)

The Safety Dance

Safety-Dance!

Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to, A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind,
and we can dance

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to a place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
and we can dance.

Francois!

Ah we can go when we want to the night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
and surprise 'em with the victory cry
I say we can act if want to if we don't nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile

I say we can dance, we can dance everything outta control
We can dance, we can dance we're doing it wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance everybody takin' the chance

Safety dance
Oh well the safety dance
Ah yes the safety dance

Safety-Dance

We can dance if we want to, we've got all your life and mine
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything'll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're are no friends of mine

I say we can dance, we can dance everything out control
We can dance, we can dance we're doing it wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance everybody's takin' the chance
Oh Well the safety dance
ah yes the safety dance
Oh well the safety dance
Oh well the safety dance
Oh yes the safety dance
Oh the safety dance yeah
Oh it's the safety dance
It's the safety dance
Well it's the safety dance
Oh it's the safety dance
Oh it's the safety dance
Oh it's the safety dance
Oh it's the safety dance