"Some Scotsman I've turned out to be," thought Smurd*, still sitting under his tree as watched the crowd and felt his gorge rising. "Maybe it was a mistake to mix Langevulin and Black & White, or maybe I should've passed on the sheep's milk Feta. Whatever, I'm in for it now." He downed his last Jägermeister mini to control the nausea, and it dawned on him -- maybe it wasn't the cheese or the Scotch… He lurched for his pencil as another wave of nausea washed over him. "Maybe it's seeing too many…"

Guys in Skirts to the tune of "Girls On Film"

See them strutting peacock-proud across the fields at midday
Pipes skirling and the skirts swirling round are so gay
We're talking "gay" in the ancient sense, and never ever in the present tense
Present tense
'Cos a single look will tell you there's a Meeting of the Clans today:

Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts

Cheese and whiskey being served along with the beefcake
You'll need that booze for your nerves as the day progresses
Those hairy legs -- pretty hard to take, maybe coming out here was a really big mistake
Big mistake
And no matter what you think of kilts, for Heaven's sake don't call them "dresses"

Guys in skirts (don't call them dresses!)
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts (this isn't progress!)
Guys in skirts

Watch out, fella, duck or you're gonna get Farquhared:
All eyes bulging as the caber's thrown out oh so far
It's over with, or so you thought, until you reach the parking lot
Parking lot
And you notice to your horror that the fscking thing has hit your car

Guys in skirts (that ain't no sheila)
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts (next time it's tequila)
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts (you better beware)
Guys in skirts
Guys in skirts (way too much leg hair)
Guys in skirts

(Apologies to Duran Duran)

Girls On Film
See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight
Heads turning as the lights flashing out are so bright
And walk right out to the four line track, there's a camera rolling on her back
On her back
And I sense a rhythm humming in a frenzy all the way down her spine

Girls on film
Girls on film
Girls on film
Girls on film

Lipstick cherry all over the lens as she's falling
And miles of sharp blue water coming in where she lies
The diving man's coming up for air 'cause the crowd all love pulling Dolly by the hair
By the hair
And she wonders how she ever got here as she goes under again

Girls on film (Two minutes later)
Girls on film
Girls on film (Got your picture)
Girls on film

Wider, baby, smile and you've just made a million
Fuses pumping live heat twisting out on a wire
Take one last glimpse into the night, I'm touching close, I'm holding bright
Holding tight
Give me shudders in a whisper, take me up til I'm shooting a star

Girls on film (she's more than a lady)
Girls on film
Girls on film (Two minutes later)
Girls on film
Girls on film (see you together)
Girls on film
Girls on film (see you later)
Girls on film


- - -

* Smurd is in RL a Murdock, sept of Clan McPherson out of Inverness, and until recently had living relatives in Scotland, no crap!

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