Sometimes the most memorable holidays are the ones you didn't plan for. It's weird to think that this will be the fourth Christmas we've had Piney Flats to kick around. (The "Piney Flats Cycle," and the significance of slivovitz, Pat's, mohair hats, etc., has been with us for a bit. Explanations upon request.)

Note: this is 100X more fun when sung aloud with several friends after finishing a few bottles of you-know-what.

My Tire Blew Out (a Piney Flats Christmas carol) to the tune of "I Saw Three Ships"

Cue instrumental accompanyment here.

My tire blew out in Piney Flats,
A small town that's in Tennessee;
My tire blew out in Piney Flats,
One Christmas Eve, in the morning.

I swore and cursed my rotten luck,
That I was stuck in Piney Flats;
I swore and cursed my rotten luck,
That Christmas Eve, in the morning.

And as I pondered with a frown,
The whole damn town of Piney Flats,
And as I pondered with a frown,
The whole town came out, that morning.

They helped push my car to the shop
(The only shop in Piney Flats),
They helped push my car to the shop
In Piney Flats, in the morning.

The shop said it would take a day
("No f---ing way! To fix a TIRE?!")
The shop said it would take a day
In Piney Flats, 'til next morning.

I went to Pat's to get some joe
And drown my woes, and pass the time;
I went to Pat's to get some joe
In Piney Flats, in the morning.

And Pat said "Please give this a try,
O won't you try our slivovitz?";
Yes, Pat said "Please give this a try,
Some slivovitz, this cold morning."

And I said "Sure, I'm here all day,"
What else to say, on Christmas Eve?
And I said "Sure, I'm here all day,
In Piney Flats, 'til the morning."

They brought it in a tiny glass,
The slivovitz of Piney Flats;
They brought it in a tiny glass,
In Piney Flats that cold morning.

And though fireplace was stoked,
It steamed and smoked, this slivovitz;
And though fireplace was stoked,
It steamed and smoked, that cold morning.

I closed my eyes and drank it down,
I drank it down, the slivovitz;
I closed my eyes and drank it down,
In Piney Flats that cold morning.

My eyes bulged out like bocce balls,
Like bocce balls, in some cartoon;
My eyes bulged out like bocce balls,
From slivovitz in the morning.

And then I felt my lips go numb,
My voice voice go dumb, from slivovitz;
And then I felt my lips go numb,
In Piney Flats that cold morning.

So Pat brought me another glass,
And like an ass, I drank it too;
So Pat brought me another glass
Of slivovitz that cold morning.

And then I felt quite fine inside,
A warm riptide, from slivovitz;
And then I felt quite fine inside,
In Piney Flats that cold morning.

I said, "This is a lovely drink,
That's what I think, this slivovitz";
I said, "This is a lovely drink,
Do you have more, this fine morning?"

So Pat rolled out a mighty keg,
So honkin' big, on tractor treads!;
So Pat rolled out a mighty keg
Of slivovitz that fine morning.

And so I whiled the day away,
So far away in Piney Flats;
And so I whiled the day away,
All Christmas Eve into evening.

And as the evening darkness fell --
Hey! What the hell?! Those spiny BATS!!
And as the evening darkness fell
I saw those bats all that evening!

I leapt about and swung my arms
To stave off harm from spiny bats;
I leapt about and swung my arms
To stave off harm all that evening.

'Twas then I think my coat caught fire,
As I leapt higher to find escape,
'Twas then I think my coat caught fire,
To find escape all that evening;

As I began to twist and shout,
And writhe about, the townsfolk watched;
As I began to twist and shout
The townsfolk watched all that evening.

The flame, it grew from one small spark,
And lit the dark of Piney Flats,
The flame, it grew from one small spark
And lit the dark of that evening.

The townsfolk watched in silent awe,
And hanging jaws, to see my dance;
The townsfolk watched in silent awe
In Piney Flats all that evening.

They thought my dance a wondrous thing,
So they did sing, that Christmas Eve;
They thought my dance a wondrous thing,
So they did sing, that wild evening.

And that is all I can recall
Before my fall into Pat's vat;
And that is all I can recall
Before my fall, that wild evening.

As I regained my consciousness,
I was hairless, and smelt of smoke;
As I regained my consciousness
I was hairless, Christmas morning.

The town's menfolk had donned their spats
And mohair hats, their Sunday best;
The town's menfolk had donned their spats
And mohair hats, Christmas morning.

I almost laughed to see this sight,
Oh so contrite, they peered at me;
I almost laughed to see this sight,
To see these guys, Christmas morning.

They said, "We're sorry that you fell,
But, oh Hell's bells, you were such fun!"
They said, "We're sorry that you fell,
"But you were fun, that wild evening!

"But tell us all that we can do,
So you won't sue, we meant no harm;
But tell us all that we can do,
To make up for that wild evening."

I told them there was no harm done,
That I'd had fun in Piney Flats;
I told them there was no harm done,
That I'd had fun that wild evening.

And so I stayed in Piney Flats
To dine on sprats that Christmas Day;
And so I stayed in Piney Flats
To dine, and listen to Jolson.

And if you still are reading this,
I'd ask you this, just one small thing:
And if you still are reading this,
I'd ask for one thing this Christmas:

To raise a glass to Piney Flats,
The small town that's in Tennessee;
To raise a glass to Piney Flats,
Of slivovitz, Christmas morning.

(Apologies to the talented, prolific, and ever-popular Anonymous, to say nothing of the subjects of this lovely song. A joyous Christmas unto thee, kind reader.)

I Saw Three Ships

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

And what was in those ships all three,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day?
And what was in those ships all three,
On Christmas Day in the morning?

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

Pray, wither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
Pray, wither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas Day in the morning?

O they sailed into Bethlehem,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
O they sailed into Bethlehem,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

And all the bells on earth shall ring,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
And all the bells on earth shall ring,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

And all the Angels in Heaven shall sing,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
And all the Angels in Heaven shall sing,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

And all the souls on earth shall sing,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
And all the souls on earth shall sing,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

Then let us all rejoice again,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
Then let us all rejoice again,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

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