Ph34r & Loathing at the Sea of Light
- Long Cool Woman (in a Fuku)
- Fanart: Inside | Outside

Sometime in the wee morning hours the rooftop got chilly, though no one but me seemed to notice. The rest of the staff had fled hours ago, but I'd stuck around to tend bar. Why the hell not? The long cool woman in the Clannad fuku who was throwing this bash was a good tipper, and she got better the more she drank.

Right now she was leg-wrestling some no-neck ninja dude with a uni-brow in the center of the floor. Half of the tables were pushed over to the sides of the beer garden to give them room; the other half had been thrown over the railing when the cops showed up. It looked like an even match, but my money was on the chick. No one else was paying the bout any attention though, except for the guy with whom I'd made the bet. He wore a Food-Mart bag over his head, and sipped his beer through a straw. Possibly the young girl with the sketch-pad who was hiding among the potted ginkos, scribbling furiously, was also watching the match; but then, she appeared to be watching everything.

The party was for a chick who had just landed her first big role as a seiyuu. She was currently doing a slow, sensuous dance on top of the bar. Her eyes were half-lidded, and her movements were catlike in their sinuosity. She was being watched by some half-drunk fanboy in a Sanrio hat, who was making semi-coherent pleas for the chick to get down. When she turned him a half-shy, half-ardent smile, he couldn't seem to decide whether to have a stroke or a heart-attack. Indecision was probably all that was keeping him alive.

The fanboy's skinny friend with the big hair and a monstrous capacity for beer had earlier joined in mortal combat with his chair. The chair had been too quick for him, and now he lay pinned beneath it, snoring loudly. The goth chick (who'd been cheering the chair on) had taken his shoes off, and was currently painting little smiley faces on all of his toes with purple nail-polish.

The goth chick's friend with the long hair and huge earrings sat nearby, staring vacantly into space. Her slender fingers absently braided pieces of the iron-tube railing that had formerly lined the roof parapet into an elaborate macrame. Wires trailed from her earrings to an AMD mini-tower; the monitor displayed the words "Rei Toei: Fractal Meth: Track 4" in Old High German script.

Bag-man looked thoughtfully into his empty beer-mug, then at me. "Hey buddy, do me a favor. Look up there and tell me what you see," he said, pointing at a potted spider-plant hanging from the frame of the canopy that protected the bar. "I see a hamster, watching a pint-sized demon, who appears to be losing to a tiny angel in a game of strip poker," I said. He nodded. "That's what I thought," he said, sliding his mug over to me. "Hit me again." I filled his mug and passed it back to him, with a fresh straw.

An off-key duet sprang up from the street below, and I looked over what was left of the railing. Below me, a giant turtle with a huge bottle of saké lay couched among the remains of police cruisers and a couple of patlabors. Sitting on his shoulder was a police officer holding a normal-sized bottle of saké, singing the tenor part of some sad variation of the "Londonderry Air." The turtle was attempting to grunt a bass harmony.

A nondescript looking guy in a SEGA jacket took a seat at the bar. "Ed," he said.

"Dom," answered the bag-guy.

"What are you doing here? We got work to do."

"I'm on break. Get back to me next week."

"Ed..."

"What's your poison, mac," I broke in at this point.

The SEGA guy gave me a cold stare. "I don't drink."

"This is a private party," I told him. "If you ain't buyin', hit the road."

He looked at me for a long moment, then reached under his jacket, exposing a shoulder holster holding the worn butt of a Sig, the hilt of a Japanese sword, and various arcane objects I didn't recognize, and that shouldn't have fit under his jacket. When he brought his hand out, he was holding a small, silver flask.

"You first," he said.

I shrugged and put a glass on the bar. Sometimes the best way to handle the hard-cases was to accept their challenges. "Is it any good?" I asked.

His lips twitched as he uncapped the flask. "Beats any 'poison' you got here," he said, pouring an evil-looking green liquid into my glass. As he lifted the flask, a drop fell on the bar and began to melt the plastic faux-wood finish.

Well, I grew up on bathtub potato whiskey. I picked up the glass and knocked it back. "Not bad," I said judiciously. I poured out a glass of Tullamore Dew and slid it across the bar toward him. "Your turn." He stared at me, shrugged, and gulped down the whiskey in one go. After that he loosened up a bit, and presently the three of us fell to singing...
Long Cool Woman (in a Fuku)
- Ph34r & Loathing at the Sea of Light

Saturday night I was downtown,
Drinkin' at the Sea of Light,
Sittin' with a couple of bad men,
Empty beer mugs piling high.

Beer garden high above the city
Full of people ready to play,
Just about to call for the next round
When I saw that woman comin' my way.

A pair of steely eyes made me tumble inside,
My temperature started to rise,
She was a long cool woman in a fuku,
Just a 5'10, beautiful tall!
Stronger than whiskey when she sees you,
Yeah that long cool woman had it all!

I saw her headin' toward the bar then
Her movements were a flickering dance,
The Sega-guy said "Better get ready,
"'Cos I'm tellin' you I've seen that stance!"
Suddenly she stood before me,
He look was pure smoldering cool,
I managed to ask her for her order
Feelin' like a stutterin' fool.

Well she took hold of my left hand,
Then she took hold of my right,
And she told me, "Don't you fear
"Just come on over here,"
And my spirit took a flight,
'Cos I got to spend a night
Dancin' with a long cool woman in a fuku,
Just a 5'10, beautiful tall!
Stronger than whiskey when she leads you,
Yeah that long cool woman had it all!

(apologies to A. Clarke - R. Cook - R. Greenaway)
==============================================
Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress)
The Hollies


Saturday night I was downtown
Working for the FBI
Sitting in a nest of bad men
Whisky bottles piling high

Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the DA man
When I heard this woman singing a song

A pair of 45's made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9, beautiful tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that long cool woman had it all

I saw her headin' to the table
Well a tall walking big black cat
When Charlie said I hope that you're able boy
Well I'm telling you she knows where it's at
Well suddenly we heard the sirens
And everybody started to run
A jumping out of doors and tables
Well I heard somebody shooting a gun

Well the DA was pumping my left hand
And then she was a-holding my right
Well I told her don't get scared
'Cos you're gonna be spared
Well I've gotta be forgiven
If I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9 beautiful tall
Well, with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that long cool woman had it all

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