I watch the western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying south
It sets me thinking
It's been at least ten years now, since I left Megatokyo. I've gone everywhere in the world, traveling aimlessly from place to place. Still, there is something about the sunsets here that made me stay. The scenery is so utterly different from Megatokyo, but the colors are the same somehow. I have never found another place with these colors...
I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher
That is what I had always thought: whatever I live through will only make me stronger, make me tougher. Oh, how foolish I was back then. I was so convinced I needed no one to survive. I had no use for sentimental feelings and such displays were weaknesses in myself. They had to be, since they were the same emotions I used to manipulate others. It took me years to realize how wrong I was.
I feel the winter come
His icy sinews
Now in the firelight
The case continues
Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial
And the sun makes her final decent in one last display of grand color. I stay out to watch the dying light longer than I should. It's getting cold and there's a fire waiting for me inside. While the fire wards of the chill, it doesn't protect me from the shadows, from my own thoughts. I stare into the fire, trying to ignore the shadows that play on the edge of my vision. Finally though, they draw me out of my reverie...
The shadows close me round like jury members
I look for answers in the fire's embers
What was I missing then? That whole December?
I give my usual lie: I don't remember.
I can almost see their faces in the shadows. Almost. Largo is there, Piro as well. So many other nameless faces from the streets of Megatokyo stare back at me, all of their looks disapproving. I don't care. They are just shadows, they can't touch me. They are just ghosts, they aren't real... As I turn to gaze back into the fire, one shadow changes suddenly...and there she is, smiling as sweetly as always: Ping.
Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep
"<Oh, Ping. You haven't changed a bit, you are exactly as I remember.>"
I catch myself then as realization hits me. Of course she is exactly the same as I remembered; she's just a memory. That's all she is now, shadows and my own haunted memories. The fact that she's been gone for ten years now doesn't mean anything. For a moment, she was alive again, and I lost her all over again. The pain is still there, I don't think I ever let it heal... And, so for the next hour or so, I let my grief out, in my solitude where no one but the shadows can see me.
And all these differences
I cloak, I borrow,
We kept our distances
Why should it follow?
We had been so irrevocably different, that's why I had stopped things before they could ever start. I was a human girl, she was a playstation accessory. I told myself back then that nothing good would ever be able to come of it. I think, for a while, I actually believed that...
I must have loved you...
But, just because you tell yourself not to feel something, doesn't mean you can actually control your emotions. I learned that the hard way. My brain told me I didn't, couldn't care about her. My heart, though, told me differently. Slowly, so slowly, we became friends. She was my first true friend...She has this uncanny ability to understand me in ways no one else could. I reasoned it was just excellent programming on her part, but my feelings told me it was because she really cared about me. No one had before...
And so, out of that friendship grew something else. Love. I loved her, truly loved her. When I realized this, it scared me, shook me to the core. That's why I ran and kept running. I couldn't love...especially not her...
What is the force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide?
I never could find a place to hide
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run...?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail
I was so afraid, so cowardly. I ran away from the only good thing I had ever found. I had always forced myself not to care about others as a means to protect myself and she tore my walls down without even realizing she had done it. There was nothing left to protect myself with, nowhere to hide from the emotions that refused to be ignored. So I ran...I had nowhere to hide in Megatokyo, so I would find somewhere else, somewhere far away, somewhere I could be safe again...
The moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking
Another day begins and now I'm thinking
That this indifference was my invention
When everything I did sought your attention
And, that's what lead me here, to a lonely cabin in the backwoods. I'm miles from my nearest neighbor. Alone, utterly alone. At least, that's what I had thought. The shadows didn't appear at first, but slowly, they crept in. With them came the realization I had never escaped. When I had finally admitted this to myself, a vague hope grew within me. A hope that is the only thing keeping me alive now.
You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map of buried treasure
It's foolish, I know that. But, I was incredibly foolish in my past and lost something dearer to me than my own life. I can afford to be foolish again since I have nothing left to lose. Because, maybe, just maybe she's still out there, looking for me. That's why I haven't left the cabin in years. If I move, she might come here right after I leave. I can't afford to move around again...It'd only waste more time...
I've already wasted so much.
If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confessed
Morning is already streaming in through the windows. For once though, I don't want it to come. I used to cherish the dawn because it would banish the shadows for another day. But...today, I am lonely, and the shadows are all I have. Slowly, each of them fade, the faces of my past all return to my memories for another day...
One remains though. She's always the last to go. I can't help but smile as we get to share the dawn. Just the two of us. I turn my back to the daylight and stare at her face, locking it forever in my heart. I can almost touch her as she fades away...
I must have loved you...
"<I love you, Ping.>"