This is a pseudofilk, as in it is very difficult to write anything that conforms to Alanis Morissette's timing for her song 'I was hoping'
I tried to capture a similar mood for Erika, it's very difficult to sing this along; trust me, I tried. What I suggest you do is read the FILK lyrics with "I was hoping" as the backing music, rather than trying to match the two up. That way lies the dark side...
Broken Woman[PseudoFILK of 'I was Hoping' by Alanis Morissette]
for Erika Hayasaka
And now it seems my past has returned
behind well-mannered words of someone I hardly know,
my life had settled down so calmly into quiet shadow,
but now everything's jagged,
rubbing once again against my senses.
I've been holding all these thoughts in for so long that now it is
instinctual, so difficult to let myself feel again,
years of self-imposed silence; it is all starting to cave in around me.
time to face my fears, time to grow...
And I know I haven't been dealing very well with this these days -
I should have realised that this time would come,
But I can forgive myself for hoping I was safe with who I was -
I was hoping, I was hoping I could gain my freedom,
I was hoping, I was hoping I had learned some wisdom.
Looking back to who I was, not so very long ago,
I'm still horrified to think about my groundless trust and senseless naivete,
and I shudder at the things I did, the mistakes I made through lack of clarity.
I still wonder how I could have been like that,
all pigtails and curls,
but then came the day when it all became too much
and dark thoughts and fears came to me and have yet to leave me -
I, too, have learned that life is unfair.
I was hoping, I was hoping to deny this regression,
I was hoping, I was hoping to earn compassion.
I have now learned that to grow strong one must be traumatised,
and I too have learned that life is cruel,
it's a cycle of hurt, compounded by foolish expectations,
I'm labelled insensitive, but that's just not true, I feel too deeply, but
emotionally I hide it, hold it out from me at arms length, and yes,
I know I have my baggage too, each day it's there,
so I try to do the very best I can for those I love, but I cannot save them
from making the same mistakes I made, despite my guidance.
I know that overprotecting them just hurts them,
and it does more harm than possible good -
I have to watch myself for fear of hurting those I love.
I was hoping, I was hoping to hide forever,
I was hoping, I was hoping to be safe forever.
Alanis Morissette - I Was Hoping
As we were talking outside it was cold
we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles
please don't tell her or anyone
but I need to talk to somebody
you said " wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was
five minutes before I'd died I'd be filled with such regret
before I took my last breath and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die anytime soon"
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said
yes but you've been wearing leather
and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain and yes you're still a fine woman
and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
We left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said
"goodbye sir thankyou for your business sir you're successful and established sir
and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir
and your money"
and when i walked by they said "thank you too dear"
I was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when I would've said something like
"hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you
I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard and I said do you belive we are
and you said yes
I said I don't believe in revenge
in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room
bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head
I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together