Jes' fer a bit o' down home fun...
We were tryin' to crash the gate at E3,
Both my fanboy buddy Piro, and me,
'Cuz this was a show that neither of us wanted to miss.
At the gate they said "Boys, we can't let you pass",
And I said "Then you can kiss my drunk ass",
And I dropped my pants right there, and showed them where to kiss.
Well, I don't remember too much more of that night,
'Cuz to tell you the truth I was higher than a kite,
The way I can get on a jerry-can of beer or so,
But when I woke up I knew somethin' wasn't right
When I found I was sittin' on a JAL flight,
Headin' for Japan, and some place they call MegaTokyo.
I looked over at Piro, and said "Hey bud,
"Can you tell me what we're doing in this flying tub,
"'Cuz I haven't got a clue myself, I gotta confess."
And he said, "You got bitchy and drunk at the con,
"So I asked you if you'd like to fly over to Nihon,
"And when you threw up, I decided that meant 'yes'."
Well, after a while they got me back in my seat,
And loosened up the phone-cord so Piro could breathe,
Which wasn't easy, the way I'd knotted it around his neck,
And when I'd cooled down, I decided not to shout
'Cuz killin' the damn fool would get me talked about,
But on the next dozen beer runs, I'd make sure he got the check.
The airline attendant was pretty damn cute,
But I'd broken way too many of her rules,
So I figured for the rest of the flight I'd better lay low,
But as fate would have it I couldn't keep still,
'Cuz when some l33t d00d needed his pi11z
She asked for someone to translate, and I said j0.
Now things were looking up when we finally landed
'Til we got to customs where the uniforms demanded
To see my passport, which of course I didn't have there.
This one guy said, "Son, you'll have to go back"
"Unless you beat our boy Junpei in mortal combat,"
Then they trotted out this big dude with no neck and spikey hair.
When I looked at all that muscle I kinda got sick,
And I couldn't figure out how I'd manage this trick,
When I noticed that the field of combat was a video game.
Then I knew this contest was gonna be a cinch,
'Cuz there's no one l33t3r than me in the pinch,
And I sent that spike-haired ninja crashing down in flames.
So me and Piro went down to the city
Where I got me this cool thing, shiny and pretty,
And I started thinkin' this trip really wasn't so bad,
But I guess I shoulda known that my luck wouldn't last
'Cuz when we tried to get our tickets our cards were maxed,
And it looked like we weren't soon gonna be gettin' back.
Well it happened that way several weeks ago
And we haven't yet found a way back, you know,
So I just sort of sit here, dreamin' about my next b33r;
And sometimes I teach at a Japanese high
All the l33t techniques kids need to survive,
And show zombies and turtles and cops 'bout the meaning of ph34r.
If you've come this far I hope you're payin' attention,
And fergodsweetsakes have learned a l33t lesson,
'Cuz there aren't too many more dangerous ways to go,
Than to get yourself a friend with fanboy leanings
Who'll hijack your butt when you've done a little drinkin',
And strand you in that place that some call Megatokyo.
(apologies to Charlie Daniels)
The Uneasy Rider
The Charlie Daniels Band
I was takin' a trip out to L.A.
Toolin' along in my Chevrolet
Tokin' on a number and diggin' on the radi-o ...
Just as I crossed the Mississippi line
I heard that highway start to whine
And I knew that left rear tire was about to go.
Well, the spare was flat and I got uptight
'Cause there wasn't a fillin' station in sight
So I just limped on down the shoulder on the rim
I went as far as I could and when I stopped the car
It was right in front of this little bar
Kind of redneck lookin' joint, called the Dew Drop Inn.
Well, I stuffed my hair up under my hat
And told the bartender that I had a flat
And would he be kind enough to give me change for a one
There was one thing I was sure proud to see
There wasn't a soul in the place, 'cept for him and me
And he just looked disgusted and pointed toward the telephone.
I called up the station down the road a ways
And he said he wasn't very busy today
And he could have somebody there in just 'bout ten minutes or so
He said now you just stay right where you're at
And I didn't bother tellin' the durn fool that
I sure as hell didn't have anyplace else to go.
I just ordered up a beer and sat down at the bar
When some guy walked in and said; "Who owns this car?
With the peace sign, the mag wheels and four on the floor?"
Well, he looked at me and I damn near died
And I decided that I'd just wait outside
So I layed a dollar on the bar and headed for the door.
Just when I thought I'd get outta there with my skin
These five big dudes come strollin' in
With this one old drunk chick and some fella with green teeth
And I was almost to the door when the biggest one
Said; "You tip your hat to this lady, son."
And when I did all that hair fell out from underneath.
Now the last thing I wanted was to get into a fight
In Jackson, Mississippi on a Saturday night
'Specially when there was three of them and only one of me
They all started laughin' and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I'd better think of somethin' pretty quick
So I just reached out and kicked old green-teeth right in the knee.
He let out a yell that'd curl your hair
But before he could move, I grabbed me a chair
And said; "Watch him folks, 'cause he's a thouroughly dangerous man."
"Well, you may not know it, but this man's a spy
He's an undercover agent for the FBI
And he's been sent down here to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan."
He was still bent over, holdin' on to his knee
But everyone else was lookin' and listenin' to me
And I layed it on thicker and heavier as I went
I said; "Would you beleive this man has gone as far
As tearin' Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars
And he voted for George McGovern for president."
"He's a friend of them long-haired, hippie type, pinko fags
I betcha he's even got a Commie flag
Tacked up on the wall, inside of his garage
He's a snake in the grass, I tell ya guys
He may look dumb, but that's just a disguise
He's a mastermind in the ways of espionage."
They all started lookin' real suspicious at him
And he jumped up an' said; "Now, just wait a minute, Jim
You know he's lyin' I've been livin' here all of my life."
"I'm a faithfull follower of Brother John Birch
And I belong to the Antioch Baptist Church
And I ain't even got a garage, you can call home and ask my wife."
Then he started sayin' somethin' 'bout the way I was dressed
But I didn't wait around to hear the rest
I was too busy movin' and hopin' I didn't run outta luck
And when I hit the ground, I was makin' tracks
And they were just takin' my car down off the jacks
So I threw the man a twenty an' jumped in an' fired that mother up.
Mario Andretti woulda sure been proud
Of the way I was movin' when I passed that crowd
Comin' out the door and headin' toward me in a trot
And I guess I should-a gone ahead and run
But somehow I couldn't resist the fun
Of chasin' them all just once around the parkin' lot.
Well, they're headin' for their car, but I hit the gas
And spun around and headed them off at the pass
I was slingin' gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air
Ha Ha, well, I had 'em all out there steppin' and fetchin'
Like their heads were on fire and their asses was catchin'
But I figured I oughta go ahead an split before the cops got there.
When I hit the road I was really wheelin'
Had gravel flyin' and rubber squeelin'
And I didn't slow down 'til I was almost to Arkansas
Well, I think I'm gonna re-route my trip
I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped
If I went to L.A. - via Omaha.