Piney Flats, Tennessee, is a real place. It sits on a straight stretch o' freeway between Bristol and Johnson City. I have been driving past this tiny town for over a decade and thinking up amusing rhymes from the town's name (hence many of the set-pieces; I distinctly remember driving past once and thinking, "Spiny bats... heh heh."). This is the product of years of suffering from chronic word-association-football syndrome.

For the sake of the town and its no doubt sober and upstanding population, I must say that I alone am responsible for this travesty. If word of this doggerel ever gets out, then the next time I visit Asheville, North Carolina – the reason I've been driving past Piney Flats all these years -- they'll probably be lining the highway to greet me… with antitank weapons.

The Slivovitz of Piney Flats

The Tennessee town of Piney Flats!
Its citizenry sits with zany zits:
Sits and sweats and swats at gnats,
Drinking homemade slivovitz.

No cars stop at Piney Flats!
As traffic 'twixt the cities flits:
They speed up to avoid those gnats
And want no homemade slivovitz,

What's all that's made in Piney Flats!
Once they made fine oven mitts
And mohair hats and stickball bats,
And had no need for slivovitz.

Now, woebegone is Piney Flats!
It has to do with zany zits,
What has to do with clouds of gnats
What has to do with slivovitz.

Those ghastly gnats in Piney Flats!
They're there because of fatty bits
That float within the briny vats
Wherein is made the slivovitz.

There's wildlife there in Piney Flats!
There's tiny rats that live in pits
Around which prowl the whiny cats
Amongst the vats of slivovitz.

(There's rumors about Piney Flats!…
It's said they get those fatty bits
From tiny rats and whiny cats
That fall into their slivovitz.)

No need to slander Piney Flats!
Despite the gnats and zany zits
The menfolk dress in suits and spats
And gladly share their slivovitz.

There's things to see in Piney Flats!
Just chug yourself a jug and it's
A cinch you'll see THE SPINY BATS!!!
(Yeow!, that's what I call slivovitz!)

So won't you stop at Piney Flats?
PEET stops the gnats; ignore the zits;
Put on your suit and don your spats,
And drink some homemade slivovitz.

------------
My heartfelt apologies to the town of Piney Flats, and to slivovitz drinkers everywhere.

[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
The technocrats of Piney Flats!
They have one Christmas wish, and it's
To kick this "Smurd" guy in the slats
And poach his ass in slivovitz.

[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
Please, won't you add to "Piney Flats"?
Just add a few more silly bits
'Bout zits and cats and nits and rats
And something about slivovitz.
Alas to see my Piney Flats.
Our technocrats thrown into pits
by giant rats in stolen spats
who've drunk up all our slivovitz

[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: Falan ]
The slivovitz of Piney Flats,
it often causes zany zits,
they drink it out of mohair hats,
which filter out the fatty bits.

The citizens of Piney Flats
are often making mohair mitts
to help to catch the whiny cats
which often eat the fatty bits.

-_Quinn
Yeah, c'mon! Beats the pants off of "99 Bottles of Beer"!

There's one café in Piney Flats!
"Pat's" it's called, and in Pat's sits
The vastest vats, and you know that's
Whence comes the finest slivovitz.

It's breakfast time in Piney Flats!
Just stop on by for eggs and grits
And green-eyed gravy, served at Pat's
With coffee laced with slivovitz.

It's quittin' time in Piney Flats!
They cease to stir the fatty bits
And draw vast tarps across the vats
Which hold the mash for slivovitz.

[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
It's Friday night in Piney Flats!
All night, puttin' on the Ritz!
Hellazapoppin' down at Pat's --
Like water flows the slivovitz!
The Tennessee town of Piney Flats!
It gives the Tennessee gum'mint fits,
'Cos they know without the rats
And cats there'd be no slivovitz.
There's no "fat cats" in Piney Flats!
'Cept those that make it o'er the pits
And catch the gnat-fed bat-fed rats
That aren't too drunk on slivovitz.
The politics of Piney Flats!
They slug it out with mohair mitts,
Republicans and Democrats;
Then chug a jug of slivovitz.

[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
It's Thanksgiving in Piney Flats!
They play "Al Jolson's Greatest Hits"
And dine on fat imported sprats
Steeped overnight in slivovitz.
On weekend days, in Piney Flats
They use their extra slivovitz
To oil things, like baseball bats
And thus avoid new zany zits

I'll add more later. This is fun!
School is over in Piney Flats!
Done are the last minute fits
which plague the zany zitted cats
in that wild and wacky U of Flats,
the number one consumer of slivovitz!

WOOOOOT!!!
Another Piney Flats holiday:

July the Fourth in Piney Flats!
Whose residents with many zits
shoot fireworks to scare the rats,
they fill 'em up with slivovitz.

A barbecue in Piney Flats
Is always filled with spicy bits.
To keep away those pesky gnats,
the folks out there use bug-spray kits.

Now in the town of Piney Flats,
exists a game called "Home-Run Hits."
The players use the stickball bats,
you're out when balls fly into mitts.

But summer's far from Piney Flats,
It's more like winter--it's the pits.
They dream of days spent killing gnats,
and brewing up some slivovitz.

I wish it were summer--obvious, isn't it?
Right, that's the spirit! This can be like that song that never ends!

O Holidays of Piney Flats!
The serve up roasted bats on spits
And wear their kilts and mohair hats
While flows the precious slivovitz.

The schoolchildren of Piney Flats! --
They entertain with clever skits
And do a dance with stickball bats,
But are too young for slivovitz.

[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
The street musician, Randy Fratz,
Has churned out numerous musical hits
Recording the melodic splats
Of tossing things in slivovitz

Beside the vats at Pat's he sat
And tossed in knicks and knacks and bits
He tossed his shoes - oh, what a splash!
He sprinkled cans of sparkly glitz

He tossed in chinese finger traps
He tossed in little plates of grits
And woe to any whiney cat
Who wandered near where he would sit

He tossed in all his flavoured hats
(His favourite kind, with cherry pits!)
He nearly tossed the neighbors' brats -
They bribed him with their model kits

At last, the council of Piney Flats,
Which every other Sat'day sits,
Discussed the facts of Randy Fratz
And his effects on slivovitz.

"The man's a menace - here are stats
Which show he makes the stuff unfit!"
Many had had their mitts or mats
Tossed in in his artistic fits

But what was to be done, they asked?
And thoughtfully sipped their slivovitz,
Drummed fingers on their table mats...
And at last they knew just what would fit

Those who remember Randy Fratz
Say that his brain was on the fritz -
"We're glad he's gone and that's a fact,
But he sure went well in slivovitz."
Though no-one stops in Piney Flats,
The city solons used their wits
And burned the midnight oil at Pat's
While drinking jugs of slivovitz:

These clever sons of Piney Flats! --
They conjured up a marketing blitz,
and bought a fleet of trucks with flats
To sell the world their slivovitz!

Success has come to Piney Flats!
Yet penury in its eye still spits:
Their land's tied up in tiny plats
For vats to make more slivovitz.

[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
quote:Originally posted by Falan:
School is over in Piney Flats!
Done are the last minute fits
which plague the zany zitted cats
in that wild and wacky U of Flats,
the number one consumer of slivovitz!

Oo, I can tell that came from the heart.

There's engineers in Piney Flats!,
They've come to modernize the pits.
Proud graduates of the U. of Flats,
They owe success to slivovitz.
If e'er you go to Piney Flats,
You'll find me putting on the Ritz,
In suit and tie and brand new spats,
Chugging jugs of slivovitz!
The girls of Piney Flats wear plats
In flaxen hair and wax their lips*;
With giggles, winks and eyelash-bats,
They're better than the slivovitz


*I've no real concept of make-up, or whether anything desirable can come from waxing one's lips, but you can't fault my alliteration.
There's poets there in Piney Flats!
They're having fits amongst the pits:
"Please save me from these spiny bats!"
The bane of too much slivovitz!

[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
There's grumbling down in Piney Flats:
"Whence came all these M.T. gits?
Why make us look a bunch of prats,
And joke about our slivovitz?"
Muttering, "The drink in Piney Flats
we sip all night (as time permits),
with dinner, breakfast, midday chats:
it's not a joke, our slivovitz!"

(Pretend this post is one earlier, okay? ^^)

[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: cola ]
The internet came to Piney Flats
and across the MT forums they did click,
in shock and anger they spat
spraying their screens with slivovitz!

"Smurd's head on a pike!" went the call
"Teach him to mock our slivovitz!
Trace his packets, trace them all!
Find him through all the IP bits!"

The town was as angry as wet cats.
They marched and called smurd a twit,
they marched and waved their bats,
they marched and drank slivovitz.

The anger did rise in Piney Flats,
but it can't outlive the slivovitz.
Back they headed to the vats
only to find empty, empty pits.

The rats did drink all the slivovitz!
The town had to quickly fix the vats,
they had no time to waste on twits
so smurd was spared the wrath of Piney Flats!

(My apologies to English majors everywhere...)
There is in the town of Piney Flats,
a ledgend fit to give you fits,
of vam'pire tiny, spiney bats,
that seek not blood, but Slivovitz!

[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: J Random Lurker ]
There are exams in Piney Flats
The students there with zany zits
Are tested on, by barmy bats
The brewing of good slivovitz

The vats they boil, the little things
They pour into the slivovitz
Are papers, books, and even rings
For some, not healthy, also nits

For those who fail the brewing test
And cannot make good slivovitz
They are exiled, and sent off West
Or even worse, they join the Brits

For those who pass, the praise abounds
A party thrown, inside the Ritz
The students, now all wearing gowns
Pass out their new-brewed slivovitz

They've graduated, joined the ranks
Of a town containing many twits
In ceremony, they give thanks
For a drink as great as slivovitz

Apologies to anybody English. We really should set up more 'random verse' threads like this one. Oh yes, just got back from LotR - go see it, everybody! It's great!
The it's cold down there in Piney Flats!
The kids all wear their wollen mitts
And toques (the famous pom-pom hats),
But nothing warms like slivovitz!

[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Divinewind ]
Before more verse on Piney Flats,
I pause, because, it's Friday; it's
The time for one more chore, and that's
To buy myself some slivovitz.

Not slivovitz from Piney Flats?!
Won't Piney Flats convulse with fits?
And tear their kilts? Take up their bats,
Because I've spurned their slivovitz?

I bear no ill towards Piney Flats!
I cannot make my booze from kits --
Montgom'ry County Liquors: that's
Whence I must go for slivovitz.

Thinking now of Piney Flats,
I strain the chunks through homemade slits
And find I miss the spiny bats;
I drink inferior slivovitz.

[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
The citizens of Piney Flats,
They sit upon their bums,
Gaze idly at their suits and spats,
And drink brandy made from plums.

Whilst drinking their beloved slivovitz,
They ponder things absurd,
Like silly cures for zany zits,
And the many deaths of Smurd.

The citizens of Piney Flats
We mock an awful lot.
But, people who can vanquish spiney bats
Be trifled with should not.

The citizens of Piney Flats,
With valor great indeed,
Run screaming from the spiney bats,
At full and frightened speed.

So much for the folks of Piney Flats
Escaping all our mocking jibes.
But, they don't care, since the spiney bats
Are starting to form tribes!
***

I can't believe it took me this long to discover this thread. I love it. ^_^ Great work, everybody! Especially you, Smurd.


PS- "Beloved" is three syllables in this verse.

[ December 23, 2001: Message edited by: Gen ]
Some visitors to Piney Flats:
The learned Rabbis Bruskowicz!*
They're making sure it's kosher: that's
The way it is with slivovitz.**

The good rabbis at Piney Flats:
Each takes a sip, and swirls, and spits.
"Gentlemen, we doff our hats!
You make a sterling slivovitz!"

* Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
** Yes, slivovitz has to be kosher, or it ain't slivovitz. In all deference, the principles of kosher (and the very similar Muslim halal) are ancient forms of quality control and are not to be taken lightly.

[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
Today I'm visiting relatives in Waynesboro, Virginia, a little town in the Shenandoah Valley that's like... like Piney Flats; they have their pits, and fatty bits, and they have folks what sits and spits; and no, they don't have slivovitz. Oh, O.K., no spiny bats either, although they do have tiny bats.

I'll not be going by Piney Flats
This Yuletide season. Home I sits;
I've mothballed my suit and spats;
I'm stuck with third-rate slivovitz.

But... Season's best to Piney Flats!
And to all my fellow M.T. twits; *
Such riotous verse! I think that that's
Much finer than fine slivovitz!

* Poetic license. For all those contributing verse of any kind, be they brand new to this or old experienced hands, there are truly no twits amongst us. Thanks to everyone who's contributed or left comments, thanks very much, I enjoy it all, more than you realize.

Creating something from nothing, using the basic tool of language, is a good thing. It keeps one's brain buff and one's soul supple. Speaking personally, it gets me through life's weird patches even better than the slivovitz.

To all the poets and poet-wannabees, all the forum readers, Fred, Rodney, ladies and gentlemen: Have a wonderful holiday.


[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: smurd ]
Happy holidays to Piney Flats,
That noble little town
With folks bedecked in suits and spats,
To festive meals a-sittin' down.

Season's best to Piney Flats
All aglow with winter cheer.
Drink and be merry, Piney Flats,
Slivovitz kicks the arse of beer.

When Santa comes to Piney Flats
He hands out toys, and treats, and kits
He gives the children stocking hats
And gives their parents slivovitz.

Or else, in years less full of cheer
He storms into the drug markets (sorry)
Ignores the milk and juice and beer
And raids the stores of slivovitz!

To everyone in Piney Flats,
Old, young, and wise, and on the fritz,
I wish you this, and tip my hat:
Have comfort, joy, and slivovitz!
(and now the nonYuletide batch)

Composers live in Piney Flats!
They pine away in aural fits
With piney sharps and piney flats,
Inspired by their slivovitz.

You may play ball in Piney Flats,
Or watch those munchkins play with mitts,
And chase their friends with wooden bats,
And share their parent's slivovitz!

Young couples there in Piney Flats
Will get eachother into snits,
But soon forget their little spats,
And make up over slivovitz.

Soon churchbells ring in Piney Flats;
Announce impending wedded bliss!
The wedding party wear silk hats,
And mix champaigne and slivovitz.

[ December 25, 2001: Message edited by: Masa ]
[!It's_A_Wonderful_Life]

Not Bedford Falls, but Piney Flats;
Not factories, but vats and pits.
Not ZuZu's petals -- spiny bats;
Not Martinis -- slivovitz!

[/!It's_A_Wonderful_Life]
When visiting fair Piney Flats,
About you you must keep your wits;
It's hard to do, I know, but that's
The price for drinking slivovitz!
In far Piney Flats, they grow lucious poTAHtoes
which fermented, produce a fine alcohol.
Combined with imported russian toMAHtoes,
to make bloody slivovitz drinks for us all.
Oops, it's not vodka they make in that town
the finest of plums they grow there with care.
Fermented, distilled to a brandy renowned:
the infamous slivovitz they produce there.

Stolichnaya's not slivovitz; what was I thinking,
to make jest in a previous ill-thought out verse?
Perhaps I can blame on holiday drinking,
the bane of all poets (and Piney Flat's curse).
On holiday in Piney Flats
they sits and drinks and lose their wits
and sets their watches back, and that's
another day of slivovitz!

(On Piney Flats Day Piney Flats
they celebrates in warm outfits
and shouts in clouds of steam, and claps
"It's Piney Day with slivovitz!")
A belfry stands in Piney Flats,
A roost of Spiny Bats there sits
And looks out through the tiny slats
'Tween which a Spine-Bat snugly fits.

From up on high the Spiny Bats
All watch betwixt the tiny slits
And cast about for men in spatz
Who check the vats for fatty bits.

"The coast is clear!" proclaim the bats,
And out their number duly flits
To sup from the unguarded vats
Of sweet, beguiling Slivovitz.

[!verse] Congrats Smurd and everyone - another splendid thread... [/!verse]

[ December 28, 2001: Message edited by: JamBoy ]
With "auld acquaintance" long forgot
And never brought to mind
We'll tak' a jug 'o slivovitz,
And leave our wits behind!

...
"The day after" in Piney Flats:
The citizens are on the fritz
(They're hiding from the spiny bats)
And everything smells of slivovitz...

[!Piney_Flats]
A sincere, heartfelt, and noncynical wish for a wonderful New Year, everyone, especially those who participate in and read the poetry posts. You do This Olde Farte a great favor. Kyou ga shin nen!
[/!Piney_Flats]

[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: smurd ]
The inspiration for this comes from the byplay in this thread.</pre>
Return again to Piney Flats,
The little town of fatty bits,
ghastly gnats and natty spats,
that brews the very best slivovitz!

Hard times have come to Piney Flats:
No more mockery from the MT gits.
No free publicity, and so
falling sales of slivovitz.

Yet now Fate smiles on Piney Flats!
Dom admonishes Smurd as lacking wits.
Smurd replies with verses smooth,
and C-kun reminds MT of slivovitz!

"Oh, look at these rhymes of Piney Flats!
How cleverly they played with words!
What fun to wake the thread anew,
and make verses about slivovitz!"

The townsfolk of Piney Flats,
wait now by the briny vats.
Will the MT gits make new rhymes
that will help them sell their slivovitz?

So on behalf of Piney Flats,
I appeal to you, fellow MT gits.
Exercise now your clever wits,
and advertise the slivovitz!
They all come back to Piney Flats
The MT gits, the crowd at Pete's
The street musician, Randy Fratz
They can't stay off the slivovitz

With all respect to Piney Flats,
It's not that they'd not try to split
They just could not depart the gates
And leave behind the slivovitz

Once you have come to Piney Flats
You can check out of Hotel Pete's
But you can't leave the cloud of gnats
That hangs above the slivovitz

You can't escape from Piney Flats
Just like in one of Eagles' hits
(Instead of eagles make that bats
And for champagne have slivovitz)

So come on down to Piney Flats
Pack all your rhymes and most your wits
But throw your sense into the vats
Wherein they brew the slivovitz
There's been good times in Piney Flats!
With cats and gnats and gits and zits
And the funny kilts and hats and spats
And don't forget the Slivovitz!

Time has passed for Piney Flats.
It has been long since poetic wits
Have written rhymes about their vats
Of thick homebrewed slivovitz.

But now newbies come to Piney Flats!
Attracted by wandering fits,
They surf the boards while in our flats
And find the vats of slivovitz.

What fun we have in Piney Flats!
And though the towns folk think us gits
They don't mind us rhyming prats,
As long as we drink their slivovitz!
An urban tale in Piney Flats
Told to give the children fits:
'bout a kill with hockey mask
WHo drowned victims in slivovitz.

Same night came a monster to the Flats
Its intent: to tear the town to bits
But it was found by Spiny Bats
And chased into the slivovitz.

Next the the owners of the vats
Came to look and take some sips,
Then said "Gentlemen, take off your hats
'Cause that's some damn fine slivovitz!"

[meta]
C-kun wandered Piney Flats
Grinning 'til his face could split
Said, "Let's keep this up 'til Shoka's back,
So he can have some slivovitz!"
[/meta]
The gits read on 'bout Piney Flats
and all its vats and mitts and zits
and 'specially of the Spiney bats
and their role in making slivovits

So Piney Flats sees MT gits
return to watch their funny fits
Of comedy and most of all
to drink a mug of slivovitz

the poets l337 return and glance
at madmens' tries to comically fit
a very strange rhyme from long ago time
and ending all with "slivovitz"

Now smurd we see's in giggling fits
at people's love of Piney Flats
despite its age of a year and a half
Due to its ex'lent slivovits

Now some would say that they like schnapps
and some would say that wine is it
But true men go to Piney Flats
to indulge in heavenly slivovits

Now time's near up, I have to go
Though torture 'tis to leave these bits
of powerful rhyme and wonderful prose
and of course, that good old slivovitz


(my own meager contribution. smurd, you're a freaking genius. Let's all hope that this thing never dies.)
And too, the monster's mother came,
but, truth be told, she was a ditz.
Tumbleweed within her brain,
she fell into the slivovitz.

And then a problem was set forth -
for none had yet (of course) seen fit
to set down (right) the recipe
for making of fine slivovitz.

But then a prophet from afar
with monkey's fur upon his mits,
came striding through the emerald fog
that hearkened to the slivovitz.

"Hooray" did cry the townsfolk then,
(those namby-pamby common gits)
"For surely here has to us come
one who can channel the slilovitz!"

<meta>
A scotsman wearing plaid and kilt
did wander in through wisps of mist
to contribute some random thoughts
about the treasured slivovitz!</meta>
O, shall we sing of Piney Flats,
The town beloved of world-class wits?
Will all please stand? Remove your hats
And raise a glass of slivovitz:

O tiny town of Piney Flats,
We pledge our loyalty:
We hide our zits with fuzzy hats
As now we drink to Thee!

We love Thy precious Slivovitz,
We hear Thy whiny Cats;
We love the Fruits of Thy fair Pits,
We fear Thy Spiny Bats!
In the town streets of Piney Flats
You see a lot of faces with zits
Each one can tell you his story at
Pete's over some slivovitz

On the west side of Piney Flats
There lives a man named Gerhard Spitz
He lives there with a bunch of cats
And a barrel filled with slivovitz

When he first came to Piney Flats
He was a boy named Gerhard Spitz
He quickly grew to love the states
Not un-because of slivovitz

Unlike they do in Piney Falts
In his home town of Düsselspitz
They like to drink the blood of rats
Instead of drinking slivovitz

But drinking blood of furry rats
Felt our Mr. Gerhard Spitz
Fit only rare bloodsucking bats
Who'd better off drink slivovitz

So then he came to Piney Flats
And here he for years now sits
He says he doesn't mind the gnats
As long as he's got slivovitz
The simple folk of Piney Flats,
While masters of their craft, the twits
Did not tend well the Plum tree that's
The source of all their slivovitz

Alas, for shame, poor Piney Flats!
The plums went rotten to the pits!
And thus was lost a full years batch
Of wondrous homemade slivovitz.

The next year's batch, in Piney Flats,
Was splendid, thanks to garden kits
That saved the plums from gnasty gnats
And made them prime for slivovitz!

The citizens of Piney Flats,
Now revelling in slivovitz
Were unaware that their new batch
Was prone to give the running sh!tz!

So now, today in Piney Flats,
When e'er they brew the slivovitz,
They make sure it's fully passed
The checkpoints on their slivo-list!

The adults carry little bags,
Brimming with black licorice,
They're carried round, in Piney Flats,
And eaten well with slivovitz

The children, though, of Piney Flats,
(Never servile little kids),
Became quite docile... no more brats,
When giv'n a sip of slivovitz
[Blasphemous_Dr_Seuss_divertimento]
To the Tennessee hamlet of Piney Flats
Came the Cat in the Hat to challenge his wits.
The Cat in the Hat was the smartest of cats;
But discovered the pleasures of slivovitz
When he made the mistake of calling at Pat's.
So thoroughly, blissfully ripped to the mammaries,
The Cat and his Hat tumbled into Pat's vats;
They fished him right out, along with the bits
That were all that was left of the poor Cat's hats
(The one on his head, and the spares in his kits),
So off in a snit left the Cat sans his hats
And he never drank any more slivovitz.
[/Blasphemous_Dr_Seuss_divertimento]
A stormy day in Piney Flats.
The rain comes down in spats and spitz,
Sending the townsfolk to the vats,
To cover the precious slivovitz.

The hail comes down in Piney Flats,
About the size of old peach pits.
This is why they wear mohair hats,
While brewing up their slivovitz!

The wind doth blow in Piney Flats,
And the spiny bats can no more flit.
The wind rattles the window slats,
As townfolks drink up the slivovitz.

Although the weather is foul in Piney Flats,
'Tis here alone these folk will sit,
For they love their town of Piney Flats,
and brewing up their slivovitz!
Peerless plums near Piney Flats,
(Fermented 'til the juices rich
Dribble down in drips and splats),
Go into making slivovitz.

But woe! A drought in Piney Flats
Has withered peerless plums to pits,
And nowhere can they find the fat
And juicy fruits for slivovitz!

Now hardship rules in Piney Flats,
The town must issue ration chits
To all the folk, in order that
They have their share of slivovitz.

And Donald Trump in Piney Flats
Had turned to counterfeiting chits,
That he might buy up all the casks
Remaining of that slivovitz.

The tragedy in Piney Flats
Has struck poor Mr Gerhard Spitz,
Who must go back to sucking rats
Instead of drinking slivovitz.

All around in Piney Flats
The vagrants beg for extra chits,
A brand new southern underclass,
Deprived of drinking slivovitz.

"What shall we do in Piney Flats?"
The people cry in starts and fits,
"We're overplagued with spiny bats,
"And Trump has all our slivovitz!"

And then there came to Piney Flats
A Piper Pied (not "pie-d" you nits!),
Who led a thundering herd of cats
Into the Land of Slivovitz.

"I'll help the folk of Piney Flats
"To once again drink slivovitz!"
Above the mews of hungry cats
The Piper Pied had shouted this!

So now the cats of Piney Flats
Rolled giant furballs through their midst,
That choked the swarms of spiny bats
That plagued the place of slivovitz.

They gamboled then through Piney Flats,
Across the roofs they leapt and flipped,
And cornered Donald Trump at last
Among his casks of slivovitz.

"Oh spare me, folk of Piney Flats,"
The brandy mogul cried and kicked,
As he was stalked by angry cats,
And hid behind the slivovitz.

"If from the folk of Piney Flats
"You wish for mercy, then do this:"
The Piper Pied said matter-of-fact,
"Return those casks of slivovitz!"

"Take them back to Piney Flats!"
Said Trump with an unhappy hiss,
"I truly rue the ill-day that
"I ever heard of slivovitz!"

The Piper Pied said "Not so fast!
"Some peerless plums from Limerick
"You must import to Piney Flats,
"So they may make their slivovitz!"

The citizens of Piney Flats
Then went into ecstatic fits,
For now they could at long, long last
Make more of their good slivovitz!

And in the town of Piney Flats
The now redeemed and happy Spitz
Wept tears of joy that no more rats
Must he incur, but slivovitz!

And Mr Trump in Piney Flats
Is now revered a little bit,
For bringing peerless plums in sacks,
They toast him with their slivovitz!

[meta]
The 'hamster this thread did revive
And folk like C-kun kept alive
These very verses I prefered
First started by the peerless smurd!
[/meta]
Spring has come to Piney Flats,
And has addled the young men's wits.
Their minds are on girls and love,
Not on brewing slivovitz.

The Belle of the Ball in Piney Flats,
Her name is Miss Mandy Kratz.
Desire for her sends the boys into fits,
And they toast her over slivovitz.

"Let's toast the charms of Miss Mandy Kratz!
Those eyes, those smiles, those lucious [CENSORED]!"
That's the gist of the barroom chats,
when the boys are tipsy from slivovitz!

[Meta]
Now I could continue the story of Miss Mandy Kratz,
and how she dazzles the boys of Piney Flats.
But as a challenge for clever wits,
I make a proposal o'er slivovitz.

Let us all write the story of Miss Mandy Kratz.
Who will woo her and who will win her?
Who will father her squalling brats?
And who will toast their health with slivovitz?
[/Meta]
In reply to:<hr/>
Let us all write the story of Miss Mandy Kratz.

<hr/>
Miss Mandy Kratz of Piney Flats
Is awfully cute, the guys admit,
While sitting near the barroom taps
From which they draw draft slivovitz.

Hair silkier than angora cats,
Animé eyes so brightly lit,
She walks the streets of Piney Flats,
With lips the shade of slivovitz.

On promenade in Piney Flats
Her sultry gait the men afflicts
Who watch her gently swaying [CENSORED],
And sigh, and sip their slivovitz!
The first suitor of Miss Mandy Kratz
Was the very macho Johnny Schmitz.
A defensive end at the U of Flats,
He was too fond of slivovitz.

A frat man down at the U of Flats,
Johnny never lacked for chits*.
So he went to woo Miss Mandy Kratz,
Well fortified with slivovitz.

At the door of Miss Mandy Kratz,
Smug Johnny did make his pitch,
A remark so vile, so utterly crass,
She hit him with a bottle of slivovitz!

When courting Miss Mandy Kratz,
You'd be wise to keep your wits.
She dislikes the approach crass,
And will drench you with the slivovitz!</pre>For the benefit of those unfamilar with American slang:
*Chit: n. 1. An insignificant person; a rude, vulgar, audacious, or obnoxious person; -- always a young person. {From the Dictionary of American Slang, Second Supplemented Edition}
Types: Verse, Parody, Humor
[!slivovitz]I could not top Smurd's Blasphemous_Dr_Seuss_divertimento, but I just had to this after I've heard that hilariously great version of "Green Eggs and Ham" (which you will have to download since they only do it in shows) by Moxy Fruvous (the U is supposed to be umlauted). [/slivovitz]

[Dr_Seuss_Ripoffofisimo]

It's me, Fritz
Fritz me it's

That "Fritz-me-it's"
That "Fritz-me-it's"
I do not like that "Fritz-me-It's"

Would you like some slivovitz?

I would not like some, "Fritz-me-It's"
I would not drink that slivovitz

Would you drink with ice or straight?

I would not drink with ice or straight
I would not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

Would you like it by the vats?
Would you like it with the cats?

I would not like it by the vats
I would not like it with the cats
I would not drink with ice or straight
I would not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

Would you drink the fatty bits?
Would you have the drink at Pete's?

No fatty bits
No drink at Pete's
Not by the vats
Not with the cats
I would not drink with ice or straight
I would not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

Would you? Could you, for the bats?
Drink it! Drink for Piney Flats!

I would not, could not, for the bats

You may like it,
It may just fit
You may like it,
With the kits

I would not, could not, with the kits
Not for the bats! Have you lost your wits?
I would not like it by the vats
I would not like it with the cats
I would not like the MT gits
See me drink that slivovitz
I would not drink with ice or straight
I would not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

The spats! The Spats!
The spats! The Spats!
Could you, would you,
Wearing spats?

Not wearing spats! Not with the kits!
Not for the bats! You lost your wits!
I would not, could not, by the vats
I could not, would not, with the cats
I will not drink the fatty bits
I will not have the drink at Pete's
I will not drink with ice or straight
I will not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

Say! With some Scots?
Here with these Scots!
Would you, could you, with some Scots?

I would not, could not, with some Scots

Would you, could you, drink in shots?

I would not, could not, drink in shots
Not with some scots. Not wearing spats.
Not for the bats. Not with the kits.
I do not like it, Fritz, you twit!
Not by the vats. No fatty bits.
Not with the cats. No drink at Pete's.
I will not drink with ice or straight
I will not drink it any way!

You do not like that slivovitz?

I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

Could you, would you, by the yachts?

I would not, could not, by the yachts!

Would you, could you, drink from pots?

I could not, would not, drink from pots
I will not, will not, by the yachts
I will not drink it down in shots
I will not drink it with the Scots
Not wearing spats! Not with the kits!
Not for the bats! You lost your wits!
I would not like the fatty bits
I would not like the drink at Pete's
I will not have the MT gits
See me drink this slivovitz
I would not drink with ice or straight
I would not drink it any way
I do not like that slivovitz!
I do not like it, "Fritz-me-it's"

You do not like it, so you say
Try it! Try it and you may!
Try them and you may, I say

Fritz!
If you will gather up your wits
I will try it, though it will not fit.

----

Say! I like this slivovitz!
I do! I like it, "Fritz-me-it's"
And I would drink it by the yachts
And I would even drink from pots
And I will drink it down in shots
And wearing spats. And with the Scots
And for the bats. And with the Kits
It's just so good; so good it fits!
So I will drink the fatty bit
And I will have the drink at Pete's
And I will drink it with the cats
And all the men of Piney Flats
And I will drink with ice and straight
Say! I will drink it any way!

I do so like that slivovitz!
Thank you!
Thank you, "Fritz-me-it's!"

[/Dr_Seuss_Ripoffofisimo]
Miss Mandy Kratz of Piney Flats
Has never lacked a date.
At her door, in a long line suitors wait,
While other girls fume with jealousy and hate.

But Miss Mandy Kratz is having frantic fits-
She suffers from a huge surplus of pervy twits!
So many suitors, with not a decent man in sight;
It's enough to give the boldest heart a fright!

How, oh how, to be rid of every single churl?
Luckily, Mandy Kratz is a very clever girl.
Late into the night, a clock ticks and tocks,
While Miss Mandy Kratz hatches fiendish plots.

She's had enough of all their [CENSORED],
The buck will stop right here.
In Piney Flats, each lust-sick twit
Should begin to ph33r.
----:-}

It's funny- I was just thinking about this thread a couple hours ago. Imagine how happy I was to find it revived. ^_^
It bears mentioning, in Piney Flats,
That home of spiney bats and crazy cats,
Of hairy mits and zany zits,
And slivovitz at Pat's,

The decent lads are awful shy,
While boorish louts on attention do get high.
No one knows wherefore or why;
Their elders shake their heads and sigh.

But Mandy the girlie dandy,
Plaqued with young men randy,
Finds this fact quite handy;
The weakness of the band-y.
@>---

Gai! Supa! BOOT-BUMP! ^_~
Types: Filk, Parody, Humor
Well, I'm speechless, E-monk. You must be as bad with your spare time as I am with mine. Of course, you realize this opens up a whole new area of literary abuse; personally I've been itching to do a parody of Theo LeSieg's Ten Apples Up On Top.

[inevitable_backwoods_comparison]In acknowledgement of your hard work, and in a further attempt to exorcise childhood media-induced demons, may I offer this ripe bit o' tripe. (For those of you who aren't familiar with the original, you may never know how lucky you are.)

The "Piney Flats" Theme to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" opening theme


Cue banjo music. No, not "Duelling Banjos." Jaded urbanites...


Come and listen to a tale 'bout a Tennessee town,
On th' road to Johnson City is where it can still be found;
Th' tiny town o' Piney Flats may look like it's th' pits,
But Piney Flats is where one gits th' best o' slivovitz!

Schnapps, that is. Kosher-style. Made from plums.

Well, th' town of Piney Flats has got a heap o' piney vats,
With a heap o' purple plums fermentin' 'twixt th' slimy slats;
They pour it into bags o' felt ta filter out th' bits
Then they stick it in containers and they call it "slivovitz."

Well, they pack it up in Piney Flats and ship it worldly-wide
Fer drinkin', an' fer bathin' in, an' fer insecticide;
No matter who yer askin', folks from all around admits,
"Ya kin always buy a bitter, not a better, slivovitz!"

Well, th' fruits they use in Piney Flats is somethin' t' behold
'Cos they soak 'em all in batter fer t' keep from gettin' old;
Th' fruit without the batter is so bitter it's th' pits,
But th' batter's never bitter, an' makes better slivovitz.

Well, th' first thing ya notice is th' town has lots o' gnats,
Th' gnats that feed th' bats that feed th' rats that feed th' cats;
'Twixt th' chasin' and th' chawin' it's enough t' give ya fits,
But that's th' price ya pay t' make a better slivovitz.

Well, th' gnats that don't get et up swarm around th' town at night,
Ya kin get some really nasty zits th' way them bastards bite.
But I reckon that th' townsfolk, they don't care about th' zits --
They's ripped to th' **** 'cos they're sippin' slivovitz!

Mammaries, that is. Done before. Cain't help it, limited rhymin' scheme.

Won'tcha come on down t' Piney Flats an' visit fer a spell,
Th' friendly folks who live here sure would think yer mighty swell
Fer puttin' up in Piney Flats instead o' at th' Ritz,
An' fer passin' up th' bubbly fer a jug o' slivovtz!

(Apologies to Paul Henning [well, maybe not -- he *did* give us "Green Acres"], Earl Scruggs and Lester Flats)

The Opeing Theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin' at some food,
And up through the ground came a bubblin' crude.

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire,
Kinfolk said "Jed, move away from there!"
Said "Californy is the place you ought to be,"
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, movie stars.


[/inevitable_backwoods_comparison]
Wedding bells in Piney Flats
for Mandy and beau Bobbie Fritz.
Guest don their nattiest spats
and bring out well-aged slivovitz.

But wait, who's that behind those vats?
It's the jealous Johnny Schmitz!
About the wedding he will be a rat,
having drunk too much slivovitz!

"She's my girl, is Mandy Kratz,
and Bobbie will feel my fists."
So says Johnny, hefting baseball bats,
and drinking yet more slivovitz!


[Meta]
Will the wedding be spoiled by a drunken prat?
Only you, clever MT gits, can save the day with clever wits!
Stop jealous Johnny from the frat,
And toast the couple with slivovitz!

[/Meta]

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