Samuel Taylor Coleridge did not
write this obvious rip-off.THE RIME OF THE ANCYENT BEER-DRINKERE,
IN THREE PARTS
But maybe if he was here, he would wish that he had. JANAI!
Surely thou knowest that I be pullin' yer pegleg, har har!
ARGUMENT. How this bibulous Fella made his way across the Great Pacific Ocean to Japan; and of the beautiful and mysterious young Female, named Miho, under whose special Spell this Fella fell; and in what Manner the Ancyent Beer-Drinkere very, very reluctantly came back to his own Country.
IN THREE PARTS.
====THE FIRST PART.
It is an ancyent Beer-Drinkere,
And he sloppeth one of three:
"By thy hairless Heade and single eye-browe,
Dude, whatchoo want with me?
"The Bridegroom's kegs are fresh un-bung'd
With heady brews and fine;
The pumps are pump'd, the glasses placed,—
Of thirst I'm surely dyin'!"
But still he holds the wedding-guest—
"There was this chick," quoth he—
"Nay, if thou'st got a lovelorn tale,
Beer-Drinkere! come with me."
He holds him with his trembling hand,
Quoth he, "There was this chick—"
"Now get thee hence, hairless Buffoon!
Or my boot will stop thee quick!"
He fix'd him with his wobbly eye—
The guest, he did obey;
Despite the Drinkere's fearsome Breath
He stood, but did not sway!
The guest sat still as one transfixed,
His eyes commenced to glisten:
His face did pale from lack of ale,
But still he must needs listen!
"I flew to far Japan last year—
So did my boss command me:
Beyond my home, beyond the coast,
Beyond the deep blue sea.
"The Sun, he plummeted below
My no-frills airline window;
Then sprang up behind us as we flew,
A clever @#$!ing fellow!
"Our booze supply, it soon ran dry, at
The International Dateline— "
The guest right here prick'd up his ear:
He heard the deejay's bass line!
The Bride hath lurch'd into the Hall,
Drunk as a skunk is she;
She's swaying to the pounding sound
Of the Raving Deejays Three!
The wedding-guest then doff'd his vest,
He has no choice, it's clear,
And bade speak on, that strange old Man,
That cross-eyed Beer-Drinkere.
"Imagine, Stranger! Tokyo Town,
Its fishy smells so strong!
For days and weeks we sushi freaks
Like Hoovers trolled along.
"On televisions could be seen
Bright animated creatures:
Homunculi, with limpid eyes,
And most attractive features!
"Listen, Stranger! Ginza's streets,
With all their neon flashy,
Were filled with dark-eyed maidens fair,
And none to me seemed trashy.
"The girls, the girls were everywhere,
In fetching raiment dressed,
They giggled, gossiped, window-shopped;
It made me feel… depressed.
"I saw a someone on the street
Not noteworthy at first;
She seemed like other pretty girls,
No better and no worst;
She look'd at me, and in those eyes
I saw certain... thirst?
"Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her hair with ribbons bound:
Her eyes were dark like darkest Night,
Yet smoldered with mysterious Light;
Her footfall made no sound!
"Those eyes, they burned with beautiful fire
As she saunter'd o'er towards me;
I could not dodge our meeting now!
I could not try to flee!
"My gaze was firmly fix'd upon
Her ebon eyes severe:
I felt my legs were made of oak,
But summoned breath enough to croak,
'Hullo, d'you live round here?'
"She stood within a foot of me,
Of my lapels she took hold;
She look'd right through my very soul!,
Through male pretence bold!
"The Ginza's neon lights did dance
Upon her lovely pallor;
I threw all caution to the winds—
All manliness, all valor—
"It sounded innocent, as I spake 'Ohayo gozaimasu!'
She looked at me with half a smile,
A look that said, Yes, you'll do.
"The other Drinkeres went their way
And mocked my taste in women;
Poor drunken joes, they could not know
The fix this chick's got me in!
"For sending me upon this trip,
I cursed my distant boss;
I'd come at last to Tokyo Town— And found my Albatross!
====THE END OF THE FIRST PART.
====STAY TUNED FOR THE SECOND PART!
(Apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge. The original "The Rime of the Ancyent Mariner"
is too long to quote here; in deference to Mr. Coleridge's fine work, please give it a look.)