Ka-san Gachou's MegaTokyo MicroRhymes after \"Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes\"

1. Poor, poor Piro,
Have you any chance,
Trapped here in Tokyo,
Threatened by romance?

Seeking after Kimiko,
Sought after by Yuki:
The outcome of this triangle
Is certain to be spooky!

* * *

2. Wh3re c4n Gr8 T34ch3r Largo b3?
Wh3re c4n Gr8 T34ch3r Largo b3?
Wh3re c4n Gr8 T34ch3r Largo b3?
Bu1lding h1s R0botz 0f Ph34r?

H3's try1ng to d3f3nd d4 c1ty fr0m Z0mb13z,
H3's try1ng to d3f3nd d4 c1ty fr0m Z0mb13z,
H3's try1ng to d3f3nd d4 c1ty fr0m Z0mb13z,
But n0w h3 h4s run 0ut 0f B33r!

* * *

3. A tiny Conscience has Piro --
She's like a brunette Cupid;
Seraphim is keeping him
From doing something stupid.

From lusting after teenage girls
To whining o'er his fate,
Thanks to Piro, Seraphim
Has plenty on her plate.

* * *

4. Kimiko, Kimiko, whence comest thou?
\"I tried for a voice role I know is lowbrow.\"
Kimiko, Kimiko, why are you sad?
\"I'm not sure they want me – they must think I'm bad.\"

* * *

5. Evil maid Miho
Is dressed all in black;
Evil maid Miho
Is poised to attack.
She prowling 'round Tokyo;
She's lurking online --
Says evil maid Miho,
\"Your soul shall be mine!\"

* * *

6. Let us all take the Shibuya subway
To see knockout Erika do her cosplay!
A figure to die for, a face that bewitches:
Hands to yourself, or you're sure to need stitches.

* * *

7. Sketches Yuki saw,
That Piro has been sketching;
He'll teach her to draw
When he quits his kvetching.

* * *

8. Dom, Dom, supplies the bombs,
And Ed supplies the lead;
And so, between them both, you'll see
They'll shoot all comers dead.

* * *

9. I've never fought this \"ninja dude,\"
I doubt I could defeat him;
But if Junpei was in my way,
I'd rather greet than beat him.

* * *

10. Himitsu desu,
Don't hide away:
It's plain by your eyes
That you've something to say.

Where's the pretty lass
Who sees nothing but greys?
In a world without color
Throughout all her days.

* * *

11. Ping, Ping, a Sony creation:
She's bright and fun and always young;
But all the guys who want to play
Play far too rough: to their dismay,
They'll find she'll play them like a drum,
And kick their butts to Kingdom Come.

(Apologies to Mother Goose, and a tip o' the hairpiece to Seraphim for her observations on the very excellent film Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi and fairy tales in general.)

- - -

Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes

[1.] Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir; yes, sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
And one for my dame.
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

- - -

[2.] 0h, d34r, wh4t c4n d4 m4tt3r b3?
0h, d34r, wh4t c4n d4 m4tt3r b3?
0h, d34r, wh4t c4n d4 m4tt3r b3?
J0hnny's s0 l0ng @ d4 f41r.

H3'd pr0mis3d t0 buy /m3 4 bunch 0f r3d r1bb0nz,
H3'd pr0mis3d t0 buy /m3 4 bunch 0f r3d r1bb0nz,
H3'd pr0mis3d t0 buy /m3 4 bunch 0f r3d r1bb0nz,
T0 t13 up my b0nn13 br0wn h41r.

- - -

[3.] Mary had a pretty bird,
Feathers bright and yellow,
Slender legs – upon my word
He was a pretty fellow.

The sweetest note he always sung,
Which much delighted Mary.
She often, where the cage was hung,
Sat hearing her canary.

- - -

[4.] Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the Queen.
Pussycat, pussycat, what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under her chair.

- - -

[5.] Hector Protector
Was dressed all in green;
Hector Protector
Was sent to the Queen.
The Queen did not like him,
No more did the King;
So Hector Protector
Was sent back again.

- - -

[6.] Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fair lady upon a white horse.
Rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes,
She shall have music wherever she goes.

- - -

[7.] Three grey geese,
In a field grazing;
Grey were the geese,
And green was the grazing.

- - -

[8.] Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean;
And so, betwist them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.

- - -

[9.] I've never seen a purple cow,
I hope I never see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one.

- - -

[10.] Little Boy Blue,
Come blow your horn!
The sheep's in the meadow,
The cow's in the corn.
Where's the little boy
Who looks after the sheep?
Under a haystack,
Fast asleep.

- - -

[11.] Tom, Tom, he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But all the tunes that he could play
Was "Over the hills and far away,
Over the hills and a great way off,
The wind shall blow my topknot off!"
Types: Filk, Erika, Humor
Miss Erika came
To ride on the train
At the end of a long working day,
When along came a groper
Who wanted to poke her -
The EMTs took him away.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.

**********
Squeek, squeek, hamster
Might your name be Boo?
Yes ma'am, Yes ma'am
Who are you?

My name is Seraphim
I'm your supervisor.
You'll look after Largo
Who won't be any wiser.

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
One for my dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives in the lane.
Inspector Sonoda, a Tokyo cop,
Lifted his gauntlet and then bellowed \"Stop!
Though I see that your permits are filled out with care,
In choosing this week for your fight did you err.
You're getting a ticket – and with it a fine.\"
And thus does Sonoda keep zombies in line.

* * *

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,
They lay in bed till the clock struck ten;
Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky,
"Oh, brother Richard, the sun's very high!
You go before, with the bottle and bag,
And I will come after on little Jack Nag."
Types: Filk, Yuki, Humor
Mami said "To lunch let's go;
"You are going to buy, you know,
"If you don't, then Asako
"Is going to make you scream!"

Yuki said "I like that girl,
"Believe me, though, that you're no pearl!"
Mami cried "I'm such a churl...
"But don't forget ice cream!"

***

Bobby Shaftoe went to sea,
Silver buckles on his knee.
He'll come back and marry me,
Pretty Bobby Shaftoe.

Bobby Shaftoe's fine and fair,
Combing down his auburn hair.
He's my friend for evermore,
Pretty Bobby Shaftoe.
Types: Filk, Erika, Humor
Crick Crack

This young girl, she broke one,
She did crick crack with my thumb,
With a crick crack, slap 'n smack,
Break another bone,
Erika goes dancing home.

This young girl, she broke two,
She did slip chip with my tooth,
With a slip chip, bloody lip,
Break another bone,
Erika goes waltzing home.

This young girl, she broke three,
She did kick trick on my knee,
With a kick trick, chicky click,
Break another bone,
Erika goes skipping home.

This young girl, she broke four,
She flipped me down to the floor,
With a quick flip, twirl and kick,
Break another bone,
Erika goes walking home.

This young girl, she broke five,
She did snap crack with my thigh,
With a snap crack, whacky rack,
Break another bone,
Erika goes laughing home.

This young girl, she broke six,
She did crack rack with my ribs,
With a crack rack, splinter smack,
Break another bone,
Erika goes twirling home.

This young girl, she broke seven,
She tossed me around and then,
With a back slam, wham and ram,
Break another bone,
Erika goes racing home.

This young girl, she broke eight,
She threw elbow in my face,
With a thud crunch, crack a bunch,
Break another bone,
Erika goes strolling home.

This young girl, she broke nine,
She did crick crack with my spine,
With a crick crack, rack a back,
Break another bone,
Erika goes flying home.
Types:
Shoot, Shoot, Shoot Your Gun

Shoot, Shoot, Shoot Your Gun
Blow away zombies,
Violently, violently, violently, violently,
We must save the cities.

Ph34r, ph34r, ph34r the b0ts,
Though they come to save the day!
Frightenedly, frightenedly, frightenedly, frightenedly,
3vil runs away!

Largo Had a Damn Cool Thing

Largo had a damn cool thing,
Damn cool thing,
Damn cool thing,
Largo had a damn cool thing,
But knew not what it does.

Then one day the zombies came,
Zombies came,
Zombies came,
Then one day the zombies came,
To cause death and woes.

Largo, you know, he fought real hard,
Fought real hard,
Fought real hard,
Largo, you know, he fought real hard,
But they weren't stoppable.

Then the cool thing summoned ph34rb0ts,
Summoned ph34rb0ts,
Summoned ph34rb0ts,
Then the cool thing summoned ph34rb0ts,
And now Largo knows.

Sing a Song of Yuki

Sing a Song of Yuki
Sad little girl,
When she found Piro's bag,
It set her head a whirl.
When the bag was opened,
A sketchbook she did find,
The coolness of the artwork,
It simply blew her mind!

She knew she had to give it back,
But she wanted to know,
"Are you a real Manga-ka,
And How'd you become so?
Can you teach me how to draw?
I promise I'll be good."
Piro didn't want to teach,
but Erika thought he should.

Row, Row, Row your Boat, Mary had a Little Lamb, Sing a Song of Sixpence
There was a MegaMerchant
Who sold MegaShoujo stuff.
He employed a MegaBeauty
Who was sometimes MegaRough.
He hired a MegaFanboy
Who was pretty MegaPoor,
And they all worked together
In the MegaGamers store.

***

There was a crooked man
Who walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence
Against a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat
Which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together
In a crooked little house.
Types:
Sing a song of Saké

Sing a song of Saké,
A pocket full of yen;
Single-cup Ozeki,
Always my best friend.
I can find Ozeki
At ev'ry vending stand:
Now, that's what I call service-
Isn't Tokyo just grand?

The Banker in his office suite
Counting others' bucks,
And the humble Worker
Busy loading trucks,
Share this wondrous knowledge
With all of Nihon's masses:
Just a little pocket change
Can knock them on their asses!

* * *

Sing a Song of Sixpence
Types:
Junpei was an L33t Ninja

Junpei was an l33t ninja,
An l33t ninja was he.
He bends up guns and brings Largo to school,
Though he does all his work for a fee.

He'd Just Bought a Rail Card

He'd just bought a rail card,
But what did he see?
A girl who had lost hers
And had places to be.

Since he was a fan-boy,
And a nice guy to boot,
He gave her his rail card,
Wouldn't let her refute.

He walked off and left it,
Before she could speak,
But without that rail card,
His outlook was bleak.

He walked all the way home,
When he got there Largo,
Was fixing a computer,
With no clothes down below.

Now cut to the girl,
Standing in front of the train,
She hadn't wanted to use it,
It caused her much pain.

But use it she did,
To try for a part,
She's better than she thinks,
Her voice acting cuts to the heart.

And several days later,
The two meet again,
She brings him spaghetti,
That was made by a friend.

But when the door opens,
What does she see?
And under-age girl,
Only wearing a tee.

He comes to the door,
And is instantly screwed,
Since there's a beautiful girl,
Who's brought him some food.

She gets the wrong impression,
But what can he do?
She hands him the dinners,
And says, "Too-da-loo."

Their friends drag them to dinner,
At a garden with b33r.
Combined with their low self-esteem,
That is something to ph34r.

She loses her temper,
And gives him back the card,
Another girl he likes;
Relationship's already FUBARed.

They got too drunk to move,
Slept the night away,
So we only can ask,
How'll they be screwed today?
Types:
What is the Cool Thing?

This thing is a ball that can really do it all
It's cool, and it's l33t, and it's awesome.
It can build a railgun, or quantum plasma ray.
And its folds up and fits in your pants pocket.

The thing is cool,
The perfect tool,
Can be used so many ways.
But the manual's written in Japanese
And I've no clue what it says.

We need L33t tools
To fight, you ph00ls;
Zombies are coming here.
Without this Cool Thing without a doubt,
There would be much to ph34r!

This thing is a ball that can really do it all
It's cool, and it's l33t, and it's awesome.
It can build a railgun, or quantum plasma ray.
And its folds up and fits in your pants pocket.

The thing is cool -- When I saw it sitting on the shelf in that freaky game store, I thought I was hallucinating or somethin'
The thing is l33t -- I had to max out my credit card to buy it, but what the hell, what's a little food and drink for a Cool Thing like this?
The thing is the perfect tool -- Using just this Cool Thing, a Playstation 2, and some cardboard boxes, I was able to build an army of Ph34r Bots in only three hours!
But even though it's really l33t, there's still one thing it lacks...

We need L33t guns,
To fight, you bums!
The evil must be stayed!
Cool Things are fine, but guns and knives
Are required to save the day.

The Evil Queen of the Undead has disguised herself as an innocent-looking schoolgirl.
The immense destruction that she will bring to this city will be like nothing else before;
Not godzilla, not rodan, not gamera.... Not even Hello Kitty!

This thing is a ball that can really do it all
It's cool, and it's l33t, and it's awesome.
It can build a railgun, or quantum plasma ray.
And its folds up and fits in your pants pocket.


Why Does the Sun Shine
They Might Be Giants

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas;
A gigantic nuclear furnace.
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

The sun is hot,
the sun is not
A place where we could live.
But here on earth there'd be no life
Without the light it gives.

We need its light,
We need its heat,
We need its energy.
Without the sun without a doubt
There'd be no you and me.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas;
A gigantic nuclear furnace.
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

The sun is hot -- The sun is so hot that everything on it is a gas: aluminum, copper, iron, and many others.
The sun is large -- If the sun was hollow a million Earths would fit inside; and yet it is only a medium-sized star.
The sun is far away -- It's about 93 million miles away and that's why it looks so small.
But even when it's out of sight the sun shines night and day.

We need its heat,
We need its light,
The sunlight that we see.
The sunlight comes from our own suns atomic energy.

Scientists have found that the sun is a huge atom smashing machine.
The heat and light of the sun are caused by the nuclear reaction between
hydrogen, nitrogen, carbon, and helium.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas;
A gigantic nuclear furnace.
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees
Cute Mother Meimi

Cute mother Meimi
Makes meals for her family
To keep them all healthy and straight,
Then in comes a monster
Who trashed out the harbor,
And kept her poor husband out late.

She made him a big lunch
To take up the slack
But a rampage sidetracked him
Before he got back.

She made Yuki breakfast
A few days before this,
But the girl couldn't eat,
Because of lovesickness.

Then a strong resolution
Gave her courage once more,
So she fought with her brother,
And ate like a horse!

"I'm glad," said her father,
"She's over her cold."
"Yes, it's hard," Meimi smiles,
"To get over love's throes."

"Um, Meimi-san, what, eh...
"What was that you said?"
Then his cell interrupted -
The rest you have read.

Cute mother Meimi
Takes care of her family,
(Pay heed to this whacked nursery rhyme!)
She's much more complex
Than her daughter suspects,
And she'll help her through difficult times.

***

Bit-crunch, Bit-crunch, little Ping,
How I wonder how you think.
How do structured microchips,
Bring such strange words to your lips?
Programmed, programmed, little Ping,
What made you more than a thing?

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Ootika-san works
At Anna Millers,
Brews the coffee,
Cooks the dinners.
When management said,
"Take Kimiko's pot!"
He said "I'll watch -
"This should be hot."

Not from a nursery rhyme, though it sounds like one. Anyway, just wanted to cover another obscure character.

***

Eency Weency hamster
Sits up by Largo's neck;
Eency Weency hamster
Is now a nervous wreck.
If you had poor Eency's job
What is it you would do?
Because the way that Largo acts,
I wouldn't have a clue.

Eencey Weencey spider
Climed up the water spout;
Down came the rain
And washed poor Eencey out;
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain;
And the Eencey Weencey spider
Climbed up the spout again.
We'll Stop You, 3vil Zombie Queen

We'll stop you, 3vil zombie queen,
You can be sure of that.
With crossbows, bombs and many guns,
If nothing else, a bat!
We'll end your reign of destruction,
You minions will go splat!
O tidings of violence and doom,
Violence and doom!
O tidings of violence and doom.
From the lands across the sea,
The l33t Master came,
He arrived in Megatokyo
And soon he grew in fame
So ph34r his l33t n3kkid skillz
And forget that he's insane,
O tidings of violence and doom,
Violence and doom!
O tidings of violence and doom.
Dom and Ed, they're warriors,
All challengers they shall take.
Though their record isn't very good,
Just recall the EdQuake.
Even so they work for good
(Or so they claim, those fakes.
O tidings of violence and doom,
Violence and doom!
O tidings of violence and doom.
Junpei is a ninja spy,
And a gamer to the end.
With a win at Mortal Kombat,
Back home Largo he'd send.
But Largo's the l33t Master,
With that you can't contend,
O tidings of violence and doom,
Violence and doom!
O tidings of violence and doom.
And so these great adventurers
They'll go to face the foe,
Doom is coming soon for us,
Next Tuesday, don't you know?
But at the depths of 3vils heart
These great men shall strike a blow.
O tidings of violence and doom,
Violence and doom!
O tidings of violence and doom...

God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman
"Ping-chan the Robot"

Ping-chan the Robot
was a genki happy soul
with a plastic smile and a tiny nose
and two eyes too big to roll

Ping-chan the Robot
Is a fairytale they say
She was made for show
But the gamers know
How she came to life one day

There must have been a virus
on that old hard drive they found
for when they placed it in her head
she began to dance around.

Ping-chan the Robot
Was alive as she could be
And the gamers say
She could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

Ping-chan the Robot
Knew her power wouldn't last
So she said let's play
'cause we've got all day
before my time is past

In MegaTokyo
With a lamp-post in her hand
She went here and there
All around in Square
Saying "Largo, hidoi desu!"

She led them down the streets of town
Right to the cata[clysm] cop
And she only paused a moment when
She heard him holler stop

Ping-chan the Robot
Had to hurry on her way
But she waved goodbye
Saying don't you cry
I'll be back again some day

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Ping-chan go

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow

- _Quinn
Types: Filk, Junpei, Humor
Junpei, Junpei, fights the hard way,
How do you cope with those guns?
With crunch and creak and snap and piku!
Instinct, so sorry, but fun!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row.


***

Bears, games, fanboy looks,
Music CDs, manga books;
Other miscellaneous stock,
Three girls in a shop.
One was sharp,
And one was sweet,
And one went running down the street.

Vintery, mintery, cutery, corn,
Apple seed and apple thorn;
Wire, briar, limber lock,
Three geese in a flock.
One flew east,
And one flew west,
And one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Origin: Silent Night
To the tune of Silent Night:

Silent snipe, holy snipe
All is quiet till they strike
'Round yon crackshot Piroko and sidekick
Piro's av'tar so vicious a chick
Spawn at your own risk
Spawn at your own risk
(for Largo and Piro)

Over the ocean and through drunk haze
To see Megatokyo!
The L33t know the way
To get through Junpei;
For new games to play, we go!
Over temptation we cannot win;
Our money will quickly fly;
But w00t for the fun!
(Are the ph3arbots done?)
And w00t for the cuteypies!

(Dom and Ed's verse)

Over the ocean and through black ops,
To 'fix' us a bot we go.
(pointing at each other)
He'll never admit he's here on a hit,
(pointing at everyone else)
And they have no need to know.
(Ed sings)
Over the city and through the glass
(Dom sings)
The bot really ownzed poor Ed!
(Ed sings)
When concrete blows, it stings the nose!
(Dom sings)
You're lucky to have a head.

(everyone)

Over the counter and through the streets,
We're meeting each other here.
Time's at the gate, and changes won't wait
To be asked in for a b33r.
Over the ocean and through drunk haze
For fate and sad girls in snow!
So laugh and cheer
(The cute ones, ph3ar)
And thank Megatokyo!
As promised, to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:

You know DWC and BG and
Aeonus and Derian
WoK and Squee and
Phaedrus and Garran

But do you recall...
The most famous fangirl of all?

Meagen, the Largo Fangirl
Had a very caring heart
And if you're ever wounded
She would always do her part

All of the other fanboys
used to make her life a trauma
They never respected Meagan's
United Fangirls of Largo-sama

Then one bloody Fanboy War
Largo came to say:
"Meagen with your heart so bright
Won't you heal these boys tonight?"

Then all the fanboys loved her
As they shouted out with glee
Meagen the Largo Fangirl
You'll go down in history!
Origin: Let It Snow
Let It Snow (Sad Girl version)

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But sad girls are so delightful
Ganbatte ne, Kimiko
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

The zombies don't show signs of stopping
Largo brought some guns for popping
Abunai Miho
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

When Erika says goodnight
How I'll hate leaving the MegaGamers store!
But if Tom and Saeko turn out alright
All the way home I'll have "Warmth"

Ping's battery is slowly dying
Seraphim is here for nagging
Yuki's reading her shoujo
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Piro's angst and self-doubt are frightful
And sad girls are still delightful
My happy place is MegaTokyo
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
All I w4n7 f0r Chr1s7m4s

[Lead in:]
Everybody stops
and flames me
My English is too
plain as you can see
I don't know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas is to learn leet speak,
To learn leet speak, to learn leet speak
Gee, if I could only learn leet speak,
Then I could wish you
"|/|3|2|2`/ (|-||2157|/|45"

It would be so fun if I could say,
"1 |20><0|23|) j00|2 80><0|25."
Gosh, oh gee, how happy I'd be
If I could only 0//||z j00.

All I want for Christmas is to learn leet speak,
To learn leet speak, to learn leet speak
Gee, if I could only learn leet speak,
Then I could wish you
"|/|3|2|2`/ (|-||2157|/|45"
Carol of the Neko

Neko neko wai
Hear the forum cry
Neko neko wai
Lots of replies

So kawaii, (nyao)
bringing genki, (nyao)
to n00b and old, (nyao)
lurker and bold, (nyao)

Ph34r the fanboys (nyao)
Too many replies (nyao)
With joyful posts (nyao)
Thread with the most (nyao)

One seems to hear
Words of good cheer
From ev'ry where
Crash the server

Oh how they pound,
raising the sound,
o'er forum page,
fans sure are strange

Gaily they shout
while people nyao
songs of good cheer,
nekos are here,

Neko neko neko neko neko wai,
Neko neko neko neko neko wai,
On on they send
on without end
they just won't stop 'till the thread is locked
G.T.L. is Coming to Town

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not camp,
You better not flame,
I'm telling you why:
G.T.L. is coming to town!

He's making a list,
He might be insane,
Gonna find out who's l33t and who's lame.
G.T.L. is coming to town!

He sees you when you login,
He knows when you're online.
He knows if you use cheating hacks,
So be good all of the time!

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not camp,
You better not flame,
I'm telling you why:
G.T.L. is coming to town!
"Do You See What I See?"

Said the DJ to the raver n00b:
do you see what I see?
Out on the dance floor, raver n00b:
do you see what I see?


Miho, Miho,
dancing with delight
in a dress the color of night
in a dress the color of night

Said the raver n00b to the zombie boi:
do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the dark, zombie boi:
do you hear what I hear?


Miho, Miho,
sings of victory
with a voice as sweet as your tea
with a voice as sweet as your tea


Said the zombie boi to the mighty queen:
do you know what I know?
In your dress so dark, mighty queen:
Do you know what I know?


Oh, Kimiko
shivers in the cold:
let us go out to claim her soul
let us go out to claim her soul

Said the queen to her zombie legion:
listen to what I say!
Bide your time, zombie legion:
listen to what I say!


Miho, Miho,
dancing in the night:
she will bring us darkness so right;
she will bring us darkness so right.

- _Quinn
Fill the Cons (sung to "Deck the Halls")

Fill the Cons with girls in fuku,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!
'Cause it pleases the otaku,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!

Don we now our cosplay outfits,
Wai wai wai, wai wai wai, wai wai wai!
Wear the neko hats and paw-prints,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!

Piro sketching for the fans there,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!
Snowy girls on scraps of paper,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!

Pack the MT panel con-room,
Wai wai wai, wai wai wai, wai wai wai!
Naze Nani style they'll greet you,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!

Shirt Guy Dom in heart-print boxers,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!
A million Maximos to r0x0r,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!

Drink the beers and shots of whiskey,
Wai wai wai, wai wai wai, wai wai wai!
For we'll all get pretty blitzey,
Wai wai wai wai wai, wai wai wai wai!
It's the All-Star Megatokyo Christmas Special!

With....

Bing Crosby as 'Piro'!

I'm dreaming of a serafuku,
Like in the games I always play.
Where the girls are genki,
The choices plenty,
And save points will help me on the way.

I'm dreaming of a serafuku,
With floppy socks and ribbons too.
Where the girls are gentle and shy,
And they all wear fukus kawaii.


And featuring, playing the part of 'Largo', Mel Torme!

Ph34rb0ts camping on a spawning point.
Rail-gun stashed under a chair.
I've scouted the halls and doors, so I won't
Be pinned down by an ambush here.

Everybody knows a medpack and some power-mods
Help to make you 0wnz the game.
L4m3r kidz who try to grab the quad
Will die three times before they spawn again.

They try to frag me, but I'm too fast.
I'm strafing, jumping, then I'll nail you with a plasma blast.
And when you respawn, I'll be there too.
To put you down again and mutter, "I 0wnz3r j00."

And so I'm warning every llama here,
With pings from nine to forty-two.
You may think you're hot; well I'll show you're you're not.
I'm the L33t 0n3. I'm the L33t 0n3... and I 0wnz j00.



(ugh... I've gotta do something about this egg-to-nog ratio)
Dark Mistress after "White Christmas"

I'm dreaming of a dark mistress,
who's not like ones I've had before:
O!, her eyes of fire feed my desire
to say \"It's you that I adore\"…

I'm dreaming of a dark mistress,
Through restless days I wait for night:
Then at last, can I take delight
In the girl whose eyes make darkness bright.

(Apologies to Irving Berlin)
Away in MegaGamer's

Away in MegaGamer's, in a costume too fine,
The amazing Hayasaka-san is simply divine.
Anyone she is friends with you dare not to harm,
For the amazing Hayasaka-san would then break your arm.

Kimiko is her roommate and doesn't want a fuss
Made about her, but Hayasaka-san still must,
Make sure she is healthy, whatever she's said
Since Kimiko's diets tend to go to her head.

Piro's her coworker, he's what you'd call a loser,
A American otaku trapped on a foreign shore.
For some reason she likes him and would like to see,
Kimiko and Piro together and happy.

Away in a Manger
Types:
Piro, the Megatokyo Artist

You've heard of McConville, and Tycho, and Gabe, and Kurtz,
Poe, and Clevinger, (and this rhyming just hurts)
But do you recall
The most famous webcomic creator of all?

Piro the Megatokyo Artist,
Drew a comic that was free,
But the way people bitched,
Who would ever have believed?

Everytime he missed a comic,
Ungrateful fans would whine and moan!
They never let poor Piro,
Have any time of his own!

Then a couple days before Halloween,
His employers came to say,
"Piro with our budget so tight,
We're afraid we have to let youu go tonight."

Things now looked bad for Megatokyo,
But Piro soon made a tough choice,
He's working on the comic full time!
Now all MT fans can rejoice!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
"The First Fanboy War"

The First Fanboy War, a vet'ran did say,
Was Over disputements of kwainess that day
Draegos made a pic
as to counter a lack
For sightings of Yuki 'came harder to track

Refrain: Fanboys, fanboy, fanboys, fanboys. So easily pro-voked to loosing their poise.

They looked up, and saw a girl
In such a fashion did The Church unfurl
Darkly Cute, Queen of Raves, titles she did claim,
as they flocked to her banner like moths to a flame

(Refrain)

Sabers rattled, 'Forcers flashed--Thus the two groups did clash
Each wanting to clear out the heretic trash
With the slightest of nudge, by a Kimiko Fan:
Such was the manner that this War began.

(Refrain)
(All)
We three girls of Orient shop
bearing bags we travel non-stop
stores and merchants, we go searching
to find the perfect top.
(All)

(Chorus)
O, Top of wonder, Top of might,
Top with genki cuteness bright,
Yuki's leading, still proceeding,
guide us to thee, perfect sight.
(/Chorus)

(Asako)
So kawaii and never plain,
Yen I bring to make my gain:
Top forever, ceasing never,
over all skirts to reign.
(/Asako)

(Chorus)

(Mami)
This Top I see, this Top I spy,
this the Top that we should buy:
quickly claim it Yuki-chan, for
here comes Tohya-sempai.
(/Mami)

(Chorus)

(Yuki)
It is mine, I've better perfume
than that girl of gathering gloom:
sorrowing, sighing, falling, dying,
losing to Largo sealed her doom.
(/Yuki)

(Chorus)

(All)
So glorious the top we've found
cute and pretty all around:
"Alleluia, Alleluia!"
We three girls of Orient crowned.
(/All)

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

- _Quinn
"L33t Muse"

L33t muse,
you don't have to drink down the red wine
those days are over
you don't have to leave the poesie to the vine

L33t muse,
you don't have to write that mess tonight
chalk the streets for money
don't you care to make it rhyme just right?

L33t muse,
you don't have to drink down the red wine

I loved you since I knew you
I wouldn't talk down to you
I have to tell you just how I feel
I won't share you with another boy
I'm sure about what I think
So don't take another drink
Told you once I won't tell you again
b33r is b3tt3r

L33t muse,
you don't have to drink down the red wine
L33t muse,
you don't have to drink down the red wine

- _Quinn
O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
You like to draw stick figures.
O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
You like to draw stick figures.
When Piro's sick, you take the floor,
now we don't want our eyes any more.
O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
You like to draw stick figures.

O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
We still like your humor.
O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
We still like your humor.
Not with a mouse, that's too good for you,
just a trackball is all you use.
O Shirt Guy Dom, O Shirt Guy Dom,
We still like your humor.
Winter Purgatory-land

When it snows, it's distressing,
Winter Light*, it's depressing:
It's melancholy for me to be me, in this winter purgatory-land.

Fleeing south is the redbird
So he won't be a dead bird;
The birds that do stay are all clad in grey in this winter purgatory-land.

The park is full of people with the day off;
They will see me piled up with snow;
They'll say: "Aren't you freezing?" I'll say: "Buzz off!
Yes, I'm cold, and when I want, I'll go!"

But I know, as it gets dark
I'll be here, in this same park
To wait in the snow -- to wait for Godot! -- in this winter purgatory-land.

The park is full of kids upon their sledges,
Sliding down the slopes with youthful glee,
Or they're building snow-forts in the hedges --
Everyone is having fun but me!

Now it's late, and I'm sneezing,
And my butt goes on freezing:
The mission I'm on: "Survive until dawn in this winter purgatory-land."

---

* A film by Ingmar Bergman, about loss of faith. Talk about yer date movies! (Don't laugh -- I actually did see a Bergman double-bill of Persona and Face to Face on a date.)
Drawings of a Gaijin Otaku

Flip a page, so amazing,
Yuki's brain, can't stop praising,
These amazing drawings make her want to sing; the drawings of a gaijin otaku...

Later on, at Piro's workplace,
With a blush upon her face,
She says, "Teach me to draw, for I'm just in awe of your drawings mister gaijin otaku!"

For some reaon he doesn't want to teach her,
He says he's only in Japan a little while,
Then Erika says, "You really shouldn't defer,
You need money so you should just show your style."

And so now, Yuki day dreams,
Of chalk and flowers, while her eyes stream,
"Please don't go away, I need you to stay, I can't live without you, oh my sensei otaku!"
Raving in a Zombie's Evil Cave

Underground, 'neath the city
In a vault, dim and gritty,
We'll make our own hells at high decibels, raving in a Zombie's Evil Cave.

Clad in black, we'll all gyrate
While upstairs, they're all irate
As we rave away until crack o' day raving in a Zombie's Evil Cave.

Every now and then we'll see some poor stray
Who has gotten lost in Ginza town
He'll say: "Can I join you?" We'll say: "No way!
But if your soul's for sale, come on down!"

Later on we'll conspire
As we dream about fire
To face unafraid the foes that we made raving in a Zombie's Evil Cave.

Now and then we'll have a different deejay
Who will play a new exciting groove;
He'll say: "Is it too loud?" We'll say: "No way,
There's nothing that high volume can't improve!"

Put an edge to your badness
'Midst the deafening madness:
It's hellishly loud, but we dance unbowed, raving in a Zombie's Evil Cave.
I'm dreaming of a dark Christmas
just like the ones from down below
may your raves be techno and stark
and may all your Christmases be dark.
Flouncing in a Robot's Special Way

Ear blades ring, are you listening?
Plastic hair, see it glistening?
A beautiful sight, she's genki tonight, flouncing in a robot's special way.

Prototype, made by Sony,
But at heart, she's no phony:
Her feelings are real beneath stainless steel, flouncing in a robot's special way.

Superhuman powers she will betray
If you find a bus that's broken down:
You'll say: "How to move it?" She'll say: "This way,"
And fling it to the other side of town!

Now you know she's a charmer
(Don't you dare try to harm her):
All sweetness and light if you play her right, flouncing in a robot's special way.

Her amazing recall she will display
When she mentions details from your past:
You'll say: "How d'you know that?" She'll say: "This way..."
You'll hear your credit history, aghast!

So treat her nice, or you'll be toast
(She'll be back. With a lamppost!):
A charming machine (if you keep things clean), flouncing in a robot's special way.
Origin: Let It Snow
Let Her Rave

Oh the state of her soul is frightful,
But her presence, so delightful
As we dance in this evil Cave:
Let her rave! Let her rave! Let her rave!

She doesn't show signs of stopping --
I can feel my hip joints popping:
But I'm her adoring slave:
Let her rave! Let her rave! Let her rave!

When I saw her across the room,
I found myself rendered mute;
I could sense that dark evil loomed,
But evil was never this cute!

My free will's dissipating
While we are still gyrating;
Her attention is all I crave:
Let her rave! Let her rave! Let her rave!
Teaching in a High School in Japan

School-bells ring, are you skipping?
In your class, kids are listening!
Their silence is hushed
As you stand up front,
Teaching in a high school in Japan.

Gone away is good English,
Here to stay is l33t Engrish,
That Canadian bloke
Was just a bad joke,
Teaching in a high school in Japan.

In the arcade you can show them l33t skillz,
Let's hope the PTA does not find out,
But if they do, just tell them "j00 must ph33r not,
"For I will teach them well without a doubt!"

"Beet-downuzu suksoru,"
Is the wisdom you gave to
Your students, and then
You got paid some yen,
Teaching in a high school in Japan.

In the arcade you may duel with Miho,
But if you do you better watch your butt,
For if you don't that c|-|ixor's gonna spank you
In front of all your students, which will suck!

Later on you'll go drinking,
And review in your thinking,
How you faced unafraid
The challenge you made,
Teaching in a high school in Japan.
The "_Quinn variations" make me sound like a chess master. *chuckles* Well done, Shoka.

Come to think of it:

In the forums did Shoka-san
a spiffy parody decree:
his verse, a silly series, ran
for stanzas measureless to man
throughout the UBB.
So twice five threads so fertile found
with parody themselves girdled round:
and there were verses bright with sibilant trills
where grew so many a metaphor-laden tree;
and here were verses fit to give a man chills,
enfolding the stretches of finery.

- _Quinn
Dom and Ed Are Coming to Town

You better not fight, you better not run,
You better give up, you're under the gun:
Dom and Ed are coming to town!
They've got a hit-list, and plenty of heat,
They're gonna make you a slab o' dead meat:
Dom and Ed are coming to town!
They'll know if you're escaping,
They'll find out whence you've fled,
So what if you've been bad or good?
If you're on their list -- you're dead!
So, you better not flee, just stay in your room,
You better face facts, you're meeting your doom:
Dom and Ed are coming to town!
Here We Come A-Swaggering: Another Yuletide Ode to Dom & Ed

Here we come a-swaggering
And spoiling for a fight
(Except for Ed, a-staggering
Beneath his wrappings tight):

(Chorus:)
"Love and joy" come to you,
And the horse that brought you, too:
And we'll find you and promise you a violent New Year,
Yes, we'll give you a lead-filled New Year.


We are true professionals
Who quite enjoy our work,
(Except for Dom who loves his bombs
And tends to run berserk):

(chorus)

We do prefer to travel light,
We never carry much
(Except heavy armaments,
And bullets, bombs, and such):

(chorus)

We fear no woman and no man
With all, a fight we'll pick
(Except this Sony prototype,
A pigtailed robot chick):

(chorus)
All Your Friends are Coming to Town

Oh, Piro!

You might want to run, you might want to hide,
You'd be better off buried underneath a landslide,
All your friends are coming to town!

First we have Dom, armed to the teeth,
And Ed flying through buildings with gaslines beneath,
All your friends are coming to town!

Largo disturbs you when he's sleeping,
And annoys you while awake
Raving 'bout zombies and b33r,
And lauching flying stakes.

So you might want to give up, you might want to ph34r,
Soon all the rest can afford to fly here!
All your friends are coming
GTL is coming
Dom and Ed are coming
All your friends are coming
To tooooowwwwwn!

Edit: Alternate third verse
Largo causes trouble,
Can't cope with reality,
But you better hope that next Tuesday
He can save the whole city!
Murdock's Muse

Smurd is a poet
Yeah, I've read his verses posted on-line,
But lately he's been scribin' 'em a dozen at a time -
Smurd's got himself a muse and I wanna make her mine.

And she's charmin' him with her song,
And she's pourin' words into him, I just know it,
And he's scribblin' like mad between beer runs,

You know I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
Where can I find inspiration like that?

I'm poundin' on my keyboard,
But can't seem to get in the groove,
You know I get so jealous when they're singing a new tune,
I wanna add some verses but I haven't got the muse.

'Cause she's drinkin at the fountains of poetry,
And she's pourin' words into his beer-soaked brain,
And it makes his hair fall out, but it's worth it,

You know I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
Where can I find inspiration like that?

Like Murdock's muse!
I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
Where can I find those songs?
Where can I find inspiration like that?

And I'm editing my verses all the time,
Wonderin' where the magic oughta be,
I've been funny, and I've been clever with my rhymes,
Ain't that the way poetry's supposed to be?

Tell me,
Where can I find inspiration like that?

You know I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
I wish that I had Murdock's muse!
I want Murdock's muse!
Where can I find inspiration like that?
Like Murdock's muse!

apologies to Rick Springfield
Miho the Raver

Miho the Raver
Was a mysterious girl
With deep dark eyes and a cunning smile
And two ribbons black as coal.

Miho the Raver
Is a urban legend they say
But the ravers know
That in the black light glow
She came to dance one day.

There must have been some magic
In those ribbons that she wore,
Cause every eye was turned to her
As she stepped onto the floor.

Miho the Raver
Was darkly cute as she could be
And the ravers say
She could dance and sway
Far better than you or me.

Miho the raver
Vanished back into the dark
The ravers seached all night
Of her they caught no sight,
And the girl had left her mark.


After Frosty the Snowman

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