I did attribute Goldman/Morgenstern, what more do you want?
Oh, maybe a title. Heh... Well I could call it the "Princess Maker Bride", but...
Okay, on with the story.
(Dom looks through binoculars and sees the Man In Black leaving the arena)
Erika: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Dom: Shut up! Now I'm going to have to take the Princess all by myself. You stay here and make sure he doesn't come any further.
Erika: Okay, sure. But you're going to have to pay me more.
Dom: What? Are you...
(Erika narrows her eyes)
Dom: ... uh, yeah, fine, whatever. I'll just take it out of Largo's pay.
(exit Dom, Kimiko)
(enter Man In Black)
(Erika steps out from behind the rock where she was hiding and grabs The Man In Black's arm)
Erika: All right. Who are you and why are you following us?
MIB: You've kidnapped the Princess. It would be the duty of anyone in Megaflorin to rescue her.
Erika: And what business of yours is the Princess? You don't look like the kind of person who would care that much about the royal family, anyway. Are you even from Megaflorin?
MIB: I have my reasons.
Erika: You're in love with her.
(Erika lets go)
Erika: You are! You're in love with the Princess.
MIB: I, uh... I don't know what you're talking about.
Erika: Oh, come on. She's a looker. Every man in Megaflorin who isn't gay has a crush on her. You're just the only one with guts enough to do something about it.
MIB: Well you're the ones who kidnapped her.
Erika: Yeah, but that's just for the money. I'm also kinda hoping I can get a shot at assassinating Prince Ed.
MIB: So you're assassins too?
Erika: Just me, and only as a hobby. You?
MIB: Pirating, mostly.
Erika: Ah. So you must be the Dread Pirate Baka.
MIB: (sheepishly) Yeah.
Erika: Is that why you wear the mask?
MIB: I wear a mask so people won't have to look at my hideous face.
Erika: What, are you disfigured or something?
MIB: No, I'm just really ugly.
Erika: Can't be that bad. Lemme see...
(Erika lifts The Man In Black's mask)
Erika: You aren't ugly.
MIB: You're just saying that...
Erika: I mean it. You look fine to me, and I'm sure the Princess would agree.
(The Man In Black blushes)
Erika: You've really got to work on your self-image. Here, you've caught us kidnapping the Princess, chased us down, beaten our l33t-d00d at Quake... That's a lot to be proud of. And you still have a chance to rescue the Princess. Dom is heading towards the Megaflorin border. I'm sure the Princess will be very grateful for you rescuing her, if you know what I mean.
MIB: Uh... yeah. Thanks.
Erika: No problem.
(exit Man In Black)
Erika: Oh... wait! Damn. I guess this means I don't get paid.
[Cliffs of Insanity]
(Prince Ed examines the ground at the top of the cliff)
Ed: There was a Quake match here. The winner went north, away from Megaflorin. The loser went south, back to the forest.
Miho: We will go north then.
Ed: Yes. The Princess would have been taken by the one who was l33t, not the l4m3r.
(enter Man In Black)
(Dom is seated at a table with the Princess blindfolded next to him. There is a large box on the table.)
Dom: So, you have finally caught up with me and now you wish to fiendishly take what I have rightfully stolen. But I think I may have something that will change your mind.
MIB: I have only come for the Princess. Anything you may offer me is meaningless.
Dom: Oh, is it?
(Dom dumps the contents of the box out onto the table)
(The box was filled with games, movies, and doujinshi discs)
Dom: What have we here? Sentimental Graffiti, Tokimeki Memorial, Air, My Fair Angel... Quite a collection, I must say. And it could be yours.
(The Man In Black begins trembling and sweating)
Dom: Or you could leave it all behind and take the Princess. So what's it going to be? The Princess or Princess Maker? Make your choice. You have to decide. But you can't decide. There is no decision! It's impossible, either way you lose. You lose, I win! I win, you lose! MUAHAHAHAHAAA--
(Dom falls over dead)
(The Man In Black replaces the pistol in its holster)
(Kimiko struggles out of her bonds and removes the blindfold from her eyes)
Kimiko: You did it! You resisted the anime. How did you manage to...
(The Man In Black is hastily gathering all of the discs into his own bag)
MIB: Huh? You were saying?
Kimiko: Never mind.
[Valley below the Ridge]
Kimiko: I know who you are. You're the Dread Pirate Baka.
MIB: Very good.
Kimiko: Well I don't know what you have in store for me. But be sure that Prince Ed will not rest until he has found you and punished you.
MIB: I just rescued you from kidnappers, aren't you at least a little bit grateful?
Kimiko: Well... That may be. But you're a pirate, and pirates never do anything good. No one ever does anything good.
MIB: That's a dim view of life. You mean no one has ever been kind to you?
Kimiko: No, never. Except...
MIB: Go on.
Kimiko: Well... There was this one time. I needed to take the train but I didn't have enough money to buy a ticket. There I was, standing in this crowded station worrying about how I was going to get home, when suddenly a stranger held a ticket out in front of me. "Here," was all he said, and then he walked away. That was it, he didn't wait for a reply or anything. I didn't feel like it was proper to accept such a gift, but he didn't give me a choice, or even a chance to thank him. The crowd closed in around us and all I saw of him was the back of his head.
[Back at the top of the Ridge]
Ed: A man is dead. And look at this -- anime!
Miho: You think he was killed by anime?
Ed: No, he was killed *for* anime.
Miho: Oh great, an otaku.
Ed: But not just any otaku. He took many of the discs, but not all. These discs are all shonen. Not a single shoujo to be found. We're dealing with a shoujo otaku.
MIB: And what would you say to that man if you ever met him?
Kimiko: Oh, I don't know... I guess I'd thank him. And maybe pay him back. But what do you care? You're time is up. There is the Prince now.
(The Man In Black turns around to look at where Kimiko is pointing. Kimiko reaches out and pulls off his mask.)
Kimiko: *GASP* It's you!
(The Man In Black, aka Dread Pirate Baka, is indeed Piro. And I bet you never guessed
Piro: Your Highness.
Kimiko: This is horrible. Here I finally find the one kind person in all of Megaflorin and Prince Ed is going to kill him.
Piro: Not if we can escape him.
Kimiko: But where? He's right behind us.
Piro: In there. (points)
Kimiko: Oh no! Not there! Anywhere but....
Piro: Yes... The Ecchi Swamp!
(exit Piro, Kimiko)
(enter Ed, Miho)
Miho: Ah... He ran away.
Ed: Shall we follow them?
(Miho gives Ed a sidelong death-glance)
Ed: Of course. We will go around and catch them when they come out... assuming they ever do.
Miho: They will. This one is resourceful.