[Other side of the Ecchi Swamp]
(Piro and Kimiko stumble out of the forest. Dirty, exhausted, and their clothes torn in revealing ways. Kimiko is as red as a tomato)
Piro: Well, that was an adventure.
Piro: We managed to avoid the Lemon Spurts, escaped from the Quick-Bondage, wrestled our way past the T.O.U.S.'s, and all none the worse for wear. Plus, it'll make for some wonderful bedtime stories to tell our kids.
(This finally gets Kimiko to stop muttering as she levels a very meaningful stare at Piro)
Piro: Right... probably not the best time to mention children.
(enter Ed, Miho, soldiers)
Piro: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
Miho: (chuckles) I told you he was brave... and a fool.
Ed: One more chance. Surrender now!
Piro: Death first!
Kimiko: Promise not to hurt him!
Kimiko: I'll return with you if you promise to let this man go free. He wasn't the one who kidnapped me, he actually rescued me.
(Ed looks at Miho who raises her eyebrow)
Ed: In that case, you can go. Come Princess, we must plan for our wedding. (to Piro) My men will escort you out of Megaflorin.
(exit Ed, Kimiko)
(Miho approaches Piro)
Miho: Come on now. Let's get you out of here.
Piro: There's no need to pretend, I know I'm your prisoner.
Miho: Very well. (to a soldier) Tie him up.
(Piro is staring at Miho's hands)
Miho: What is it?
Piro: You have three thumbs. Someone was looking for you.
Piro: Yeah, he thinks you're a man too.
[Cave of Evil]
Piro: (groans) Where am I?
Tsubasa: (cheerfully) Good morning! Welcome to the Cave of Evil.
Piro: Cute name. I guess you're going to torture me.
Tsubasa: Oh, yes. Miho-sama has just the thing for you.
Piro: Okay, I can handle torture.
Tsubasa: Oh no... You made it through the Ecchi Swamp, so you're obviously very strong. But no one survives...
Tsubasa: The Machine!
(In the corner is an ominous-looking contraption draped in black)
(Erika is reading the announcement of Ed and Kimiko's wedding)
Erika: I guess the poor boy never made it. Too bad.
(She begins walking through the forest)
Erika: I shouldn't have helped him. I don't know why I did, and it cost me a paycheck. Not like I would've gotten paid for that job anyway. More likely would've ended up in the castle dungeon.
(Around her, soldiers are rounding up people and hauling them away)
Erika: But then I would've gotten a chance to fight Ed, that would've been nice.
(A man jumps out onto the trail in front of her. Two soldiers grab him and drag him away.)
Erika: Looks like the Prince is really cleaning house for his wedding. So much work to do, so much to plan... It can be so distracting. Too distracting to notice a single little assassination attempt.
(A soldier approaches)
Soldier: Hey! You! No one is allowed in the-- AUGGH!
(Erika breaks both his legs)
Erika: But I'll need help...
[Cave of Evil]
(Piro is strapped in the machine)
(Miho observes him from behind a table)
Miho: Hmm... quite impressive. Let's try the next level.
Piro: NNNNN.... NNNNNNN.... NNNNNNNNNN.....
Miho: Now, now. Try not to over-exert yourself. You're on your way to a high score.
(We finally get to see the machine in all it's horrific glory -- It's a DDR machine)
Piro: *pant* Must... *pant* keep... *pant* going.... *pant* Must... *pant* Must... *pant* Not..... *pant* much.... *pant* longer.....
Miho: Yes.... Very nice.
(She smiles and takes a sip of her tea)
(Largo is leaning against a wall, obviously drunk. A large, ogre-faced brute with a frightening axe is standing over him)
Largo: NO! j00 h4v3 n0 h0n0r!!
Brute: Why you...
Erika: Oi! What's going on here?
Brute: Eh? Who the hell are you?
(Erika taps him on the shoulder and sends him sprawling)
Largo: Oh, it's you. Yer just in time to see one helluva ass-whuping.
(He stumbles to his feet)
Brute: All right, that's it!
(The Brute charges. Erika kicks him in the thigh and splinters his femur.)
Largo: Check out my l33t ninja moves...
(The Brute swings his axe. Erika catches it, then twists.)
Erika: Come on, I haven't got all day.
Largo: Yeah, now you know what happens when you fux0r with me.
(exit Erika, Largo)
Erika: So that's it, that's my assassination plan. Are you in?
(Largo doesn't understand a word of Erika's Japanese)
Largo: beer... I really need some beer...
Erika: Oh. Right.
Largo: So what's this all about anyway? I thought we were through; heard Dom was dead or something.
(Erika thinks for a moment, then remembers one of the words she knows Largo will understand.)
Largo: What? Where?! The evil must be stopped.
Erika: Good. Let's get going.
Piro: (off screen) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erika: That voice. It's him! That's the Man In Black. He's alive -- or just barely -- and nearby. We should find him.
[Outside Cave of Evil]
Erika: That scream came from somewhere around here.
Largo: I sense.... a presence.
Erika: The entry to the Prince's torture chamber is rumored to be around here somewhere.
Largo: There is evil nearby.
(Largo stumbles around the clearing, coming to a stop in front of a large, gnarled tree.)
Erika: What are you doing? You're head is as thick as that wood.
Largo: The evil.... the evil is here!
(Erika smacks him on the back of his head. He stumbles and grabs onto a large knot. The knot opens the secret passageway which Largo falls into.)
Erika: Well, that almost makes it worth bringing him along.
[Cave of Evil]
(enter Largo, Erika)
Largo: Whoah! This place is cool!
Erika: How... drab. Look, there he is.
Largo: Check out those boxes! This is so l33t.
(Largo begins looking over the DDR machine)
Erika: He doesn't look so good. My god, I think he may be dead. This is not good. I feel a kinship with this man. I don't know how or why, but I believe we are allies in some great endeavor. Whether it be for love or for vengeance, our paths all lead to Prince Ed -- and not even death can keep us from it.
Largo: YES! I am the MASTER!!!!
(Largo has just completed the highest level of DDR)
Erika: Can we go now?
[Miracle Worker's Hut]
(Erika knocks on the door)
Miracle Worker: Who is it? We're not home!
(Erika looks at Largo. Largo shrugs. She knocks again)
Miracle Worker: I told you, we're not home. Go away!
Erika: But we need a miracle.
Miracle Worker: Sorry, I don't do that anymore.
Erika: The sign on the door says "Miracle Worker."
Miracle Worker: Misprint. It should say, uh.... "Social Worker."
Erika: Look, we only have a few hours before Prince Ed's wedding. There's a lot to be done if I want to get in there and break up the wedding, unite this guy with his one true love, assassinate Prince Ed, and let this bozo do whatever it is he's supposed to do, And not the least of it is to bring this guy back from the dead. So are you open for business, or am I gonna have to find another miracle worker?
Miracle Worker: So you're gonna break up Prince Ed's wedding? Really piss him off, maybe kill him in the process?
Erika: Yes, yes, and yes.
Miracle Worker: Well why didn't you say so in the first place. Come on in. Nice sum-up, by the way.
Erika: Thank you.
(The door opens and it is revealed that the Miracle Worker is Seraphim)
Seraphim: So what's the problem? You said this fella was dead? Let me have a look at him.
Erika: Can you help him.
Seraphim: It depends on just how dead he really is. Hand me that, will you?
Erika: Here... What is that? Can you revive him with it?
Seraphim: It's called a cigarette lighter.
Seraphim: Okay, now I can get to work. Hmm... Just as I suspected, your friend here wasn't killed, but merely kick-banned.
Erika: That's good news, then. Right?
Seraphim: Yeah, sorta. It means he can be revived, but he has to want to come back. What was his part in this whole thing again?
Erika: Well, he loves Princess Kimiko. I think he really means it, too. And from the rumors I've heard, the Princess is in love with someone other than the Prince; it must be him.
Seraphim: You know, that's some pretty specious reasoning to be hoping on a miracle with.
Erika: Hey, what do you want from me? I've got a drunk who doesn't understand me for a sidekick, whole chunks of the story have been cut out, I'm supposed to be a 500 pound man, and this part of the parody is being written at 1 am. You want believable dialog, pay me.
Seraphim: Okay, fine. I guess I'll just have to make-do. Let's see...
(Seraphim places a megaphone in front of his mouth and presses on his chest)
Piro: True...... Love......
Erika: There! See... He said "True love." He wants to return for Princess Kimiko.
Seraphim: You may be right.
Piro: ... Stories.
Seraphim: Or not.
Erika: Goddamn otaku.
Largo: Look, I don't know exactly what's going on but I do know we have to get to the castle before dark. So can we hurry up with the magic stuff here? Just shoot him full of caffeine and let's get going.
Seraphim: It's not that simple. He has to really want to come back to life. I can start his heart and maybe get him moving, but his soul would have already left. He'd be like.... a zombie.
Largo: That ain't happening.
(He grabs Piro's hair and holds his head up in front of his face.)
Largo: j0, buddy. You give a damn about the Princess or don't you? Now we're gonna raid the castle and stop this wedding whether you're coming with us or not. So what's it gonna be, you in?
(He lets go, but Piro remains sitting up)
Erika: Rigor mortis already.
Seraphim: No, wait.
(Piro's head nods forward)
(Piro's head swings backward)
(Piro collapses on the table)
Erika: (quietly) My God.
Seraphim: That's a "yes" if I've ever seen one. Let's bring this man back to life!